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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
BonfiresOfInsanity · 07/12/2017 06:29

Hope you managed some sleep last night carrot. Get another set of keys cut today - practical things to keep yourself occupied.

DollyLlama · 07/12/2017 06:30

I’ve been reading this all yesterday and this morning. I really feel for you OP Flowers

I’ve not had exactly this happen to me, but very similar and my god I know it hurts but PLEASE do not respond to the text, at least yet. Don’t get angry as tempting as it is. Stay cool, calm and collected and keep your head held high.

This man is a piece of *hit IMO. He knew exactly what he was doing and he may well be at his mums but I imagine it’s weighing up who he wants to be with and you deserve so much more than that.

You would forever be wondering if he would do it again and for that, I would get rid now. That way you are back in control (not that it’s about that, but it would give you some satisfaction).

That screenshot made my blood boil for you... he might as well have said it’s not you, it’s me! It’s so classic.

candlefloozy · 07/12/2017 06:34

What did he say??

BanyanChristmasTree · 07/12/2017 06:38

Gone to mums, heads a mess, haven't taken my stuff just need a night or two, can't make you happy, so so sorry. Or something like that

Or

My ex called me up saying she still had feelings for me. I went running to her like a lap dog. When I got there and she saw me she said "oh I'm still not sure. I love both you and my boyfriend". Now I am at my mums waiting for her to decide if she wants me again. If she does't then I'll come back to you. In the meantime I need to keep you sweet and feeling sorry for me.

That's how I read it.

YBR · 07/12/2017 06:38

I think your only response to his text would be to ask for the keys back.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 07/12/2017 06:50

I had a boyfriend (who I was with for two brilliant years), who also had form for this. He'd left the mother of his child one day (twenty years or so before me), saying he was going to the newsagent and never returning. So I knew he was capable, but still didn't predict his disappearance for a couple of weeks at the end of our relationship. It was a 'wobble', he came back with heart in hands, but I couldn't accept that level of callousness, disrespect and lack of faith in us to communicate through whatever he felt he was going through, so it was over. He'd broken my trust and nothing he could say would ever be able to fix it.

Not too long after this, I was living with a woman whose husband (and otherwise terrifically nice father of their children) also did a bunk when things got difficult in his head. He would just disappear for however long - weeks or even months. She didn't know if he was alive or dead, if today would be the day he'd return, how she was suppose to react.. the uncertainty and agony she faced for the time he just removed himself from their lives were a painful reminder for me, too - and I was relieved to have made the decision I did. I couldn't have accepted that as part of a relationship, although she did, and obviously they got through it together afterwards and made it work.

Please do not reply to any messages he may send today. I am the complete opposite of a fan of any 'game playing', but he does not deserve any control at this point. Make him wonder. Make yourself inaccessible. Make him work if he wants to get anything out of you. You hold the power now, and I hope you can hold onto it and know your worth. Because you've handled it all so far with dignity and thoughtfulness. Wishing you well whatever you face today - but in full faith that, given you got through yesterday, you've got this today.

Whoyagonna · 07/12/2017 06:55

It's a new day Carrot. A new day for you. Not for that shitebag.

You really dodged a bullet. I don't know of any man who goes running to his mother's house. How old is the feckin eejit? Ten?

Any more word from SIL as to what's going on? Although, his twin will probably be totally on his side, so don't expect too much loyalty from them in the long run.

DollyLlama · 07/12/2017 07:00

I second banyan

BackInTheRoom · 07/12/2017 07:07

It'll be a matter of time before she ditches him again OP then he'll be running back saying 'poor me' and you won't give a damn. I agree with Banyan too.

Bobbins43 · 07/12/2017 07:10

Hope you managed to get some sleep, OP x

Animation86 · 07/12/2017 07:21

What a complete muppet he is, a fool!!! I’m so disappointed for you OP.

Mix56 · 07/12/2017 07:28

the irony of course is that his ex cheated on him & screwed him up. He suffered. Now he has effectively done the same thing.
I hope but doubt he can see how his behaviour is despicable. & after screwing up & not going home, he may think he "can't make you happy" as he has monumentally fucked up.
Unfortunately He may just let himself in & remove his things when you are out.
I suppose you might say, "leave the keys on your way out".

Animation86 · 07/12/2017 07:30

He won’t bank on you having a holiday day though so he will no doubt slip in the house thinking you are at work

shoeaddict83 · 07/12/2017 07:38

Op I hope you managed some skeep? My bet is he tries to sneak back today to get his stuff thinking you’re at work. Whilst you wait to change locks I’d either keep chain on or your sons keys in the lock inside so he has no way of getting in with his set. If he tries tell him to leave and you’ll dump his stuff outside the building for him to collect. Don’t let him in to try to ‘explain’ himself. It’s clear he’s stringing you along whilst the ex makes her decision

ElephantsandTigers · 07/12/2017 07:43

If he's not over his ex then he's better off leaving you but of course, he should have been an adult and talked to you.

Don't text him. Accept it is over. You're not waiting for him to let you know if you're still his girlfriend, you need to make him explain and try and win you back tell him to fuck off

ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 07/12/2017 07:51

How are you this morning OP? Hope you managed some sleep.

Keep being strong, you are doing great. xxx

Bluelonerose · 07/12/2017 08:04

I started reading last night and only just finished. I'm so sorry for you carrot I can't believe how some people behave.

Imo I think he's just started grieving for his relationship with her hence the "my heads a mess I can't make you happy"
His behaviour is completly unacceptable going nc all day and if you want to continue in the relationship you need to talk to him about not doing if again.
Good luck I hope you managed to get some sleep Flowers

diddl · 07/12/2017 08:12

Hope that ypu managed to get some rest, Op.

By now I think that I would be past caring where he was or why.

The initial "FFS" with no apology followed by nothing all day would be enough.

Get the lock(s) changed so that he can't get in when you're not there.

MiniTheMinx · 07/12/2017 08:25

I think Banyan is correct. I expect his head is a mess, the ex is cooking it. He stands to end up with no one. I don't think you are dealing with a nasty bastard, I think you're dealing with a confused idiot. Doesn't make it better though. He's not so committed or in love with you that he knows without doubt he wants you. That alone is enough knowledge for you to walk away, you deserve more. I think he's the real looser here, not you Carrot.

SonicBoomBoom · 07/12/2017 08:55

But if he's willing to throw happiness with the OP away (or risk damaging the relationship by introducing insecurity) for someone who cheated on him, then he deserves the headfuck. OP doesn't though.

diddl · 07/12/2017 08:58

If he left his ex because she cheated, there's no reason for his head to be a mess, is there?

There was no reason to go see her or get involved at all.

SammySays · 07/12/2017 09:00

How are you feeling today OP?

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 07/12/2017 09:08

Morning all. Well I slept. Although my resolve is not so strong this morning.

I have not replied. However I still feel he's leaving me hanging with regards to might come home might not and this is pissing me off.

I know I need to make the choice for him and hopefully today il feel strong enough at some point to pack up his shit. But right this second all my energy is going into not bloody texting him. Eurgh.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 07/12/2017 09:15

Good morning, Carrotgirl. Sorry it's actually a bit crap.
Do remember he wasn't going to let you know he was going out at all.

There's no need for you to contact him. If he wants to apologise he can contact you.
If he wants to make it all about him he can contact you then too, and you'll know what he's really like.

Annelind · 07/12/2017 09:16

Hi OP. Your resolve isn't as strong because the worry has gone - you know he's ok physically - not dead in a ditch somewhere!
I hope you won't text him. He showed zero regard for you yesterday, running away with no contact, wherever he actually went, and whatever the circumstances. And he changed his pic from a couples pic with you to a pic of him only. A sign, perhaps?