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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 06/12/2017 23:01

He's full of shit. He's been to see her.

I would chuck all his shit out onto the sidewalk, take a photo and message it to him. Then block his number and change the locks.

He's a liar and scumbag and doesn't deserve you or your son.

Sassenach85 · 06/12/2017 23:01

Jeez.... hats off to you OP I've been reading every page and you have nerves of steel. You are stronger than you think. Hope u get some sleep Flowers

wizzler · 06/12/2017 23:01

You know he is safe, and you dont need to make any decisions tonight. Turn your phone off.
I imagine your head will be spinning.. make a list of things you need to consider tomorrow and then get some sleep.

thegrinchreaper · 06/12/2017 23:05

I didn't want to say earlier, and glad I didn't, but I thought his behaviour was looking like a mental health crisis.
I'd have been so worried.
But it looks like you were right all along- and what an utter, utter bastard he is to have put you through this. Don't give him a response, not yet anyway. He is going to realise his ex has just been toying with him, and that he's weak. Please let him learn his lesson the hard way, that he's left with no one.
You've been through worse and come out the other side, you can do this. Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 06/12/2017 23:09

The best answer is most definitely no answer. Nothing you can say will piss him off more than silence and it allows tug totally to retain all the dignity. Don't feed his drama.

happyinherts · 06/12/2017 23:14

His behaviour was calculated..... Mental health issues are not such.

He changed his profile pic to a single one. Why? Because he wanted to - to give out a message.

He swore at OP when he learnt she was coming home. Why? Because it conflicted with his plans.

He went out in new best clothes. Why? Calculated behaviour. Wanted to look good or impress.

All of the above with knowing OP didn't have key and yet no intention of explaining until hours later.

It's not ringing true, he's omitting to tell the full story, but he's well aware of what he's doing and being upfront and honest isn't it.

Whoyagonna · 06/12/2017 23:17

Not that it's particularly relevant possibly, but how old is this man?

Whoyagonna · 06/12/2017 23:18

Btw - if my partner swore at me on the phone, he'd have the litany of the devil rain down on him from me.

Whoyagonna · 06/12/2017 23:19

That said, putting me and dignified is a little laughable.

You certainly have more patience and strength than you realise op.

UserShmuser · 06/12/2017 23:28

I love my DH, but when we had been together for a couple of years before we were married he was an absolute twat.

He basically lied to me about stuff leading up to an event and then told me that he didn't want me there and left the night before claiming he needed space. He didn't reply to any texts or calls the next day and I was a mess. It was literally the worst day of my life. It was honestly more painful than the miscarriage I'd had earlier that year. I felt humiliated, stupid, angry, confused, upset and scared that I was going to be alone. I cried so much that day that my eyes were chapped and I had to put Vaseline on them for work the following Monday.

I forgave him and we stayed together and things worked out. But I think if I had had the support of Mumsnet behind me his bags would have been thrown from the balcony of our flat.

I hope he is man enough to face you and tell you the truth. I'm so sorry that you've had such a shit day.

4men1lady · 06/12/2017 23:48

Sorry op, what a shit bag.

My response would be “you don’t get to fuck around with my life like this so I’ll make this very fucking simple, I’ll have your things packed up and you can arrange someone to collect them. I’ll have the locks changed tomorrow”.

Twitchingdog · 06/12/2017 23:50

Why pick this day to do this drama . Or he jealous of his twin . Twin is having a op . Mummy worried . Can't have that ! Letsturn up on doorstep and say I broken up with girl friend.

Goodasgoldilox · 07/12/2017 00:06

Twitchingdog - I don't suppose he picked out his new clothes to go home to cry on his mother's shoulder.

He might well be jealous of his twin but I imagine that he spent the day seeing his ex. (Hence dressing up and changing his status to 'single')

hmmmmm · 07/12/2017 00:08

I have just read your thread. What a shitty day. You must be drained..

Good for you not replying. He isn't worth your time.

Am so glad you've recieved support from most Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/12/2017 00:10

He said he needs a day or two. Oh, so he assumes he can just waltz back into your home whenever he chooses?

I wouldn't respond tonight.

Or even tomorrow morning

When responding I'd say that you will need more than a day or two to decide how you feel about all this so he'd better collect enough stuff for at least a couple of weeks elsewhere.

dingdongdigeridoo · 07/12/2017 00:14

I wonder if ex has dropped some sort of hint she might be wanting him back, so he’s stringing you along waiting for an answer? That might be why he’s waiting a couple of days, so he can decide whether to come back.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 07/12/2017 00:58

Similar thing was done to me. Was a massive shock. Was years ago now so I can be flippant about it but it’s torture. What a cruel thing to do. Thinking of you OP.

showmewhatyougot · 07/12/2017 01:04

You sound like you know what to do! Hope your in a better head space in the morning, sorry about being in this situation x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/12/2017 01:56

Bloody man!

I'd leave him hanging as well. Or if the temptation to respond gets too much for you, just reply with "ok". Nothing else.

I agree that it sounds like his ex has said she wishes they were still together - but she has another man, doesn't she, so she'd have to break her relationship up as well for them to get back together.

Leave him to it, and when he finally gets back to you, say that he's not the man you thought he was and you don't care how messed up his head was, he could have fucking well called to check you were ok and to let you know he wasn't fucking dead. And for THAT you have decided that you no longer want to be a part of his "mess" - so you're removing yourself from the equation.

Hope you're getting some sleep. xx

LoneParenting101 · 07/12/2017 02:00

Been there, the cruelest of cruel situations that unfortunately there is no coming back from. Not without losing all self respect and well...your mind.
He is basically sat (somewhere) deciding which of you he wants! Please please please do what I should've done and make the option of coming back to you TOTALLY out of the question. Dump him! Via text. Tell him you've got feelings for someone else if you're feeling like giving him a sample of what you're going through (childish but deserved!! Either way, PLEASE make it explicitly clear that he's lost you before he dumps you from a great height! Because believe me, it's a sickening, soul destroying feeling as you no doubt already feel it. Why should he walk away from this thinking to himself that it was HIM that made the choice and that he could come running back to you if he wanted to? Hell no!

itshappening · 07/12/2017 02:31

Hope you are asleep OP. I think his message makes it pretty clear that he is not really in this relationship, I am sorry. He isn't prioritising you at all. And no, if today is anything to go by he cannot make you happy! I know it is hard, but when it comes to moving on I think you will feel so much better about this if you take control and end things firmly before he does. Don't tell him to 'take care', he doesn't deserve your sympathy. Just be clear you are worth much much more than this and therefore he just isn't good enough for you.

IndieTara · 07/12/2017 02:41

Placemark. Hope you're ok OP

tralaaa · 07/12/2017 03:59

Stay strong - your been strong so far I admire you

PastaOfMuppets · 07/12/2017 04:21

Oh OP what a shit day you've had ... I hope you've been able to get some sleep. Flowers

ShotsFired · 07/12/2017 06:17

I've just RTFT @Carrotgirl999. I hope you were able to sleep and wake up today with renewed vigour and strength for whatever lies ahead.