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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
BinG0wings123 · 06/12/2017 22:21

So he put on his new clothes to go to his mums?
What a load of shit.
Pack up his stuff in black bags and leave it in the hallway.
Don’t even bother relying to him.

becotide · 06/12/2017 22:22

Take half a diazepam and switch your phone off, and go to bed. Things will look better in the morning

bluesu · 06/12/2017 22:22

I wouldn’t reply to it just yet. No rush, OP.

And yes there is still a screenshot, I can see it. Piss off troll hunters.

DiegoMadonna · 06/12/2017 22:22

Oh yeah, I agree about not replying now. Save all that for tomorrow at the earliest!

Franklyyes · 06/12/2017 22:22

... no-one want to mention her son? Who is most important here ... the bf of 6 months or her son .... 😳

Blackcatonthesofa · 06/12/2017 22:23

Op, I've been following your thread since this afternoon. I didn'tcomment at first because I was fuming about his behaviour. To be honest I'm still pretty mad that a guy would leave his partner and her child in front of a locked door to do some navel staring or whatever. A breakdown is no excuse, I once was planning my suicide (was saved by a colleague) and I still thought about my loved ones and the best way to leave them and my stuff. He is being massively disrespectful. You sound very level headed considering and a loving and trusting partner. Frankly you deserve to be treated much better. Flowers

Allabitmuchisntit · 06/12/2017 22:23

Definitely do not reply to him tonight. You're feeling in control right now. Breathe and think. That's all. Don't shift your focus from that, to whether or not he'll reply to any message you send him now. Leave him in the bloody dark for a bit. See how he likes it. Get your head straight.

DuncanDonut · 06/12/2017 22:23

Carrot, I've still got the screenshot cached on my phone. He says 'xxxx got me' - what's the first word you blanked out? A persons name? I'm trying to work out if he means his ex got to him; or someone else picked him up? So he didn't go to the exes?

I think if this were me my decision would very much be based on if he saw her this morning. A proper mental breakdown... I dunno. I might listen a bit longer.

Take care of yourself, you're doing great.

Tiredmumno1 · 06/12/2017 22:23

I hope you manage to get some sleep Carrot, it's been a long day for you Thanks

Whoyagonna · 06/12/2017 22:24

Utter silence back to him. Do not give him the gift of a response. He deserves nothing of the sort.

TheWickerWoman · 06/12/2017 22:24

I would message back ‘not interested’ and leave his stuff outside the flat for collection, I don’t think silence will make him sweat because he’s been too much of a coward to contact you until now so it’s probably making things easier for him not having the confrontation.

PinkFluff2 · 06/12/2017 22:24

Why can some people be so nasty on these threads?! Jeez.

Ignore all the idiots OP

Tiredmumno1 · 06/12/2017 22:24

Actually I think you'll find her ds has been thought about and spoken about.

Whoyagonna · 06/12/2017 22:25

He is not having a mental breakdown. He is being a selfish cruel bastard.

TheObserverOne · 06/12/2017 22:27

I hope you manage to get some sleep Flowers

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 22:28

Duncan, it was his brothers name (not the twin).

Frank. My son is fine, I promise you, he has no idea anything is wrong, as literally unbothered by adults as most 12 year olds. Asked where he was when he came in from school as he'd said he would be here, I said he was out, that's that.

Although my decision making skills have been clearly... questionable, Iv still ensured our home is safe, not at risk, we are close to my family, and that he is at risk of losing nothing other than the friend he's gotten to know over the last few months. Which is hard but he's a good kid. I work hard, he has always been provided for and always will be. That is a none issue. I promise you,

OP posts:
Allabitmuchisntit · 06/12/2017 22:28

He's absolutely 100% full of shit op.
There's a much much better man out there somewhere for you. But he can wait too!

Goodasgoldilox · 06/12/2017 22:28

He hasn't treated you fairly - leaving you to worry when a simple text could have put your mind at rest and would have cost him no particular effort. (Changing his photo on Whatsapp or selecting his best clothes seems like more trouble and suggest that he had time to plan and work things out. Running wasn't a desperate and unplanned act. It all seems calculating and uncaring ... and very very selfish.)

He has run away from his life before and it sounds as if he was slightly proud of the way he upped and left. Clearly, someone who can do this twice cannot be relied upon.

I think most would agree that trust is a vital element in a relationship but you really shouldn't give any to this man.

This was bad after 6 months. What would it be like after 8 years?

Think very carefully about trusting him with your feelings or with any other part of your life. Look after yourself and your son. You both deserve much better.

Put the chain on the door. Put him down to experience and don't look back.

MrsMozart · 06/12/2017 22:29

If you do text, something along the lines of "I hope you feel better soon."

I hope to manage to sleep lass.

Tiredmumno1 · 06/12/2017 22:29

You are doing fine Carrot, you do not need to explain yourself to anyone.

totallyliterally · 06/12/2017 22:29

Have been reading thread all day, so sorry you're going through this.

Few things after reading his message that strike me

  1. he wore his nice new clothes
  2. he knew he was going to spend the day with his ex and not tell you
  3. he is using the 'I can't make you happy line' it's a classic. What he means is 'I don't know how to break it off with you, so I will play that card instead and Male you angry so you finish it instead
  4. he is an utter coward for not coming home
  5. he is biding his time so you finish with him. And he can guilt free piss off back to his ex

Best advice is do nothing.

Don't reply.

Wait another 24 hours and see if he texts again.

Do not tell him you are done, do not ask him to choose.

You do nothing. As hard as That is (and it's not about not having any power. You now it is done because you want it to be) but don't tell him.

You don't actually need to do anything. Get another set of keys cut tomorrow. If you can get your inner door lock changed even better.

He can go fuck himself.

itsalottery · 06/12/2017 22:31

You sound like you have a great son and a great family so take comfort from that

C0untDucku1a · 06/12/2017 22:32

What a nob he is. You are beat rid of him. What use would he be in an emergency?!

ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 06/12/2017 22:32

I agree with other posters who say don't text.

Just don't. Radio silence.

Tiredmumno1 · 06/12/2017 22:32

I sat here nodding along to every word of that totally. I agree with everything you just said.