Think he's left me and not told me?!

[Carrotgirl999]

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

Oh the utter prick. Gone to his Mum's? What grown adult goes to their Mum's instead of home. Leaving you hanging all day long? Bastard.
So sorry OP. I had an ex leave while I was asleep! Woke up to find all his things gone (he hadn't too much as we lived in separate houses). Not so much as a 'Dear John' note. Just vamoosed. The utter gut-wrenching pain of it is horrific. Well at least now you know that he's a cruel cunt. I couldn't do that to someone unless I despised them.

I can still see the screenshot. She isn't lying

Carrotgirl It's good to get angry!
You can do a lot with that feeling...channel it in a new direction towards him.
Please don't let him back into your home.

You have done nothing wrong here and you have had a very lucky escape.

Treat yourself kindly from now on and put your feelings first and try and protect yourself from these kind of predators.

He's a shit. But i think you've handled this perfectly OP. You haven't run around wailing to all and sundry to help track him down. You haven't responded to his 'woe is me' text. You've kept your dignity.

Bide your time, keep your head held high and congratulate yourself on having enough self worth to be able to kick his fuckwitteryness to the kerb.

Tiredmumno1 it's important because the OP is unlikely to get the truth about this situation.

His family will know what he's like from previous form. He already left one passport behind and then applied for another one and left that behind. It's entirely possible that he does have serious MH issues as this isn't normal behaviour even once let alone twice.

So OP needs to decide whether she is prepared to walk away from someone who is not the person she thought he was, possibly even in name and identity etc or whether she needs to dig further.

I made reference to google etc earlier. Is it possible that this man is using a false identity for instance? Could he have taken out debt under the OP's address?

People are focusing on the "he's an arsehole" element of this man, but the reality is that he could literally be anyone, and the OP needs to do some serious digging to ensure that she hasn't been e.g. Put at risk of physical harm i.e. SDT's etc, and financial y i.e. Whether the man may have taken out credit cards etc using the OP's address.

The OP has had the eye rolling and tutting earlier. She's agreed and is now looking for support.

There was a screenshot, I saw it. Piss off troll hunters.

OP, just go to bed tonight and think on it. I would seriously consider changing the locks. X

I would say LTB too except....

When I was first dating my now husband, his wife (they were separated when we met, and she was aggressively divorcing him, not interested in counselling, was adamant that she didn't want him anymore) found out about me and did a complete U turn, suddenly wanting him back.

It was awful. She cried, stropped, begged, raged and ranted at him for seeing someone, all in front of their poor kids. Did everything she could to get him back and there was a moment in time when he floundered - didn't know what he wanted, didn't know whether he should give it another go. He also said his head 'was fucked'.

I told him calmly that he had best get on with it and make his marriage work. I stopped taking his calls, ignored his texts and went total NC. It took him two days to realise he didn't want her, and the marriage was over and beyond repair. I think he always knew in his heart it was over, but she suddenly offered him everything he THOUGHT he wanted, on a plate.

We have been together now for 5 years and are really happy.The ex never did get over being replaceable and is bitter to this day.

Just saying from another perspective that given how traumatically and suddenly they ended that he might well be confused at her begging for him to come back, but he might also decide he doesn't want to go back.

He's behaved like a total prick towards you though. Ignoring you and now hiding behind Mummy is pretty cowardly. Whatever happens OP, maintain your dignity.You're doing great. Hope you get some sleep tonight xxx

Do you think a text saying 'take care' would pretty much do the trick here? Or is silence better?

I wouldn't reply at all. Give yourself some space and time.

Got the gist now. Don't reply. Now at least you've heard something, I would take the diazepan you have and get some sleep. You must be exhausted. He can sit and wonder why you're not replying for a while now.

He went to see her and you almost caught him out, so he panicked and was scared to face you so fucked off to mums.
This sounds the most likely course of events to me.

Silence. But I'd try ringing his mum's. If it's true he sounds depressed and confused

I think your head will feel clearer in the morning. You have had such a day of it. If people need space they should say at least, still frustrating but at least respectful.

Franklyyes my husband and I were married 6 months after our first date. I had an 8 yr old son from my first marriage when we got married and we have now been married 35 years.

loverofcake...Um...she's met all his family? His mum, twin brother, SIL?

Are you suggesting he is living under an assumed ID and has hired actors to play those parts?

Overactive imagination much??

I think he wanted some space,probably for few days even. When he heard OP is coming home he exploded realising he won't get any ,hense his explanation Oh FFS.
It doesn't mean he went to meet up with ex, but probably couldn't stand being in same house with OP.
He could have gone to see ex but it's not definite!
I'd advise to relax, switch the phone off and not to fuel your insecurities.
It's another day tomorrow, when you calm down speak to him and see what he says.
Nothing definite to suggest he cheated or left for good.

Silence 100%. Why does he deserve a response after what he’s put you through. And continues to put you through.
You’ve done amazing today Op, far better than I’d have coped. Don’t respond to him

Agree with buttery on both counts.

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, OP.

Impeach, obviously that's a happy ending, which is what I'd say I'd had hope of all day.

Reality is I trusted him. Now I feel stupid. My instinct says to let him go, no drama, no fighting, no pick me dance. The only way this would ever work is if he stays away, maybe sees a counsellor and gets over his ex. Before even texting me again. I think.

I feel so much more in control right now.

I understand that Lover. I just think if it were me then I would just want to concentrate on my ds and move on.

It sounds like OP has been through enough in the past to have to take all this on too. Although ultimately it's her decision and no one else's, all we can do is be of support and offer a bit of advice .

Don't reply! Silence is definitely the answer for now. Get some sleep and then see how you feel in the morning and have a think about what you want to say.

Sending anything now will just start a conversation with him. Stay silent and give yourself some space to gather your thoughts. You've done so well today.

I think I would just reply saying "I think you're right, you can't make me happy. Come collect your things when you get a minute"

Even if he HAS only been at his mum's (which is doubtful) it's still a total dick move. And he's obviously still extremely hung up on his ex.

I'm sure you can do better, OP.

Don’t reply. Try and get some sleep.

I am in bed now. Hopefully il be able to sleep soon. What a fucking day.