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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 21:42

I think, ok at least he's not been hit by a car.

At least it wasn't an over reaction on my behalf.

It sounds like a lie.

Even if it's true, what's to stop this happening every time he wants to have a tantrum.

These are my initial reactions. I'm glad he's not here right now, I need to think about this.

OP posts:
crazycatgal · 06/12/2017 21:43

I'd pack the idiot's bags. If he needed to have a night at his mums he could have said that hours ago, not left you worrying.

christmaspudding1 · 06/12/2017 21:44

i feel your gonna put up with this explanation even though you know deep down he is lying

CFSantasDrankAllTheGin · 06/12/2017 21:44

I can't see any pics either, but he's full of shit! If he was at his DM's then SIL and DB have known.

hatty44 · 06/12/2017 21:45

I imagine he met up with ex today, she’s begged him back and he’s gone to his Mum’s to get some space to think about it....
Zero excuse to leave you hanging all day though

CFSantasDrankAllTheGin · 06/12/2017 21:45

*would have known

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 06/12/2017 21:46

Steaming BS.

He didn't change his profile picture or put on his glad rags just to go to his mum's.

And 'he can't make you happy'??????????? Pathetic loser, trying to put the blame on you. You were happy with him - very happy - until today.

Tell him to stay at his mum's. From now until he finds someone else to shit all over.

Tiredmumno1 · 06/12/2017 21:46

That's true OP if he was with his mum, then his family would have known that earlier. Also agree he would not have gone in his best clothes, if he wasn't thinking straight he would have chucked anything on. I reckon it's taken him all day just to come up with that excuse.

You and your ds deserve better than that.

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 21:46

I'm not putting up with this, but Iv learnt to be measured with reactions. Immediately shouting and kicking off and suddenly he's got an excuse to act like the wanker he's been. Iv been here before. I may send a measured 'ok'. I might not send anything. Certainly not rushing to his aid right now.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 06/12/2017 21:46

Could
You phone his mum and check if he's actually there ?

GlitteryFluff · 06/12/2017 21:47

I'm glad you've heard from him in one respect. At least you know he's alive and well and you can be angry etc at him without wondering but what if...

He may very well be lying though and has gone to ex. New clothes etc. Not sure if you'll get the truth.

TheWickerWoman · 06/12/2017 21:47

Ugh... the old ‘my heads a mess, I’m at my mums’ sympathy bullshit damage limitation.

Charolais · 06/12/2017 21:47

I never saw the screenshots, but going by what I have read so far it sounds like he’s trying to buy time to sort things out with her. He is seeing if they still have a shot as a couple maybe or wants closure of some sort.

His mum is covering for him. He convinced his mum he was having a mental breakdown and to pretend he was there.

The idiot has really screwed his life up with you. The other woman is a total bitch doing what she did. She saw you were happy together and dropped back in to fuck up your lives. She doesn’t want him because she has already found someone else. She didn’t want him when she had him.

OP, you will be okay, trust me. ......he won’t be though.

FloydWasACat · 06/12/2017 21:47

carrot I am so sorry you are going through this, that text hasn't helped at all has it? Please keep trying to remember what he has put you through today, in case he comes back begging for another chance.

Please don't give that chance for so many reasons. Do you think that maybe there is a bit of a power trip going on here? Ex has got in contact, he thinks she wants him back, but he might not be interested, and then telling you all about it only to go awol so keeping you on edge and worrying?

Either way you are worth so, so much more than this pathetic excuse for a human. I really hope you are ok, my thoughts really are with you x

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 21:47

CFSantas, I thought that too, that SIL has been putting off telling OP. Blood's thicker than water.

SandAndSea · 06/12/2017 21:48

Carrot, you've done really well. You've maintained your dignity today during a really difficult situation. I'm sure you're the best judge of what to do next.

It might well be time to pack his stuff up and leave it outside for him to collect.

Flowers
OtterInDisgrace · 06/12/2017 21:48

Don’t send any response! He’s left you hanging ALL day. Let the bastard sweat.

namechange2222 · 06/12/2017 21:48

He sounds angry with you. Was he expecting alone time today before you to.d him you were coming home early.? He’s either projecting or he feels stifled for some reason

PSNah · 06/12/2017 21:48

Call his bluff.

Phone his mother's phone and ask to speak to him.

disneydatknee · 06/12/2017 21:48

Didn’t his family say they didn’t know where he was? I don’t for one second think he’s been at his mums all day. He’s gone to see the ex, now he’s staying at his mums because he doesn’t want to face you (because you know where he’s been). I’m so sorry OP. What a shit he is. I wouldn’t even want to hear his explanation when he does come back. “My head is fucked” yeh, well where does that leave you? Has he not thought about that? For all he knew you have been locked out of the flat all day not knowing where he was and then this excuse? Urgh. Do not accept any apology or excuse he has to give when he comes home. Have his bags packed.

toomuchfaster · 06/12/2017 21:49

My now-DH threatened to walk out during arguments when we first lived together. His DM lived not too far away. I told him the first time he actually did it, he would never be welcome back. I couldn't bear the thought of him doing it again and the not knowing where/how is he?
It is no longer about where he was, it's how he treated you. And that is unacceptable.
Hope you're resting now.

ElasticatedJeans · 06/12/2017 21:49

I don’t think I could trust him again after this. He could have sent you a text hours ago to stop you worrying but he didn’t. He’s a twat.

elmo1980 · 06/12/2017 21:49

At least you know now he's not going to be coming through the door any time soon so you have a day or two to really think about what you want to do, whether that's pack his bags and change the locks or sit down and talk about it with him.

You're doing the right thing in not responding to him straight away, he doesn't deserve that courtesy at the very least.

namechange2222 · 06/12/2017 21:49

Oh and certainly not excusing his weasily behaviour

Queenofthedrivensnow · 06/12/2017 21:49

Send nothing. It's so out of order. A text this am saying I'm staying with my mum I need some space wouldn't have killed him would it. He's lying

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