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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
Blatherskite · 06/12/2017 20:42

I admit that I did think the OP was jumping to some huge conclusions this morning but if he's still not home now it seems her instinct was right!

So sorry OP

SugarMiceInTheRain · 06/12/2017 20:43

Really feel for you, and suspect your gut instinct is correct on this one, especially as he has form. So sorry OP. Hope you're able to stay strong for your DS. BTW, if I were you I'd be bagging stuff up tonight just so I didn't have to look at it (if you can summon the energy...) Flowers

loveablether · 06/12/2017 20:44

Message the ex on Facebook perhaps?

Summerof85 · 06/12/2017 20:45

OP have been reading your thread from the start and was hoping he would be in touch or be back with an explanation by now. You said at the start that you had a gut instinct something wasn't right, in the past when I've had a gut instinct about something it's always been right, usually about something bad unfortunately. Like others, just want to offer support and hope you get some sleep tonight, you definitely don't deserve to be treated like this Flowers

Mxyzptlk · 06/12/2017 20:45

how do you change your NOK? I thought it was always parents and then spouse?
If you are asked for your next of kin for your medical notes you give them whatever name you want it to be.
If you change your mind, or the named person is no longer able to be it, you can get it changed.

Not everyone has parents/spouse/relatives anyway.

pieceofpurplesky · 06/12/2017 20:45

Good luck op

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 06/12/2017 20:46

Playing devil’s advocate here, but surely if you were planning on sneaking off to see your ex behind your girlfriend’s back, you wouldn’t say “oh ffs” when told your gf was coming home? What if the OP has made it clear she’s insecure about the ex, and phoning to say she was coming home (having pulled a sickie) for the obvious purpose of checking up on him has really pissed him off, so he’s gone fuck this and turned his phone off?

(Although that would still be shitty behaviour on his part, even if you’d really fucked him off)

splatattack · 06/12/2017 20:49

Always trust your intuition..you are so right to do that, but I am still so sorry you are having to go through this..good luck..

happyinherts · 06/12/2017 20:49

I don't wish to appear insensitive to the OP, but to all those suggesting rather innocent explanations, he has changed his WhatsApp profile photo from a joint one with OP to a single one, if I've read the post correctly. Today of all days surely that's a worry.

Inexcusable shitty behaviour at best - at worst, doesn't bear thinking about. Sorry OP, but I hope you have good friends to meet up with. You deserve better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 20:49

alwaysontimeneverlate, it might be. I've reported those placemarking prats to MNHQ anyway because its not on. Placemarking is for snow threads, cats playing video threads.. not threads like this.

How difficult is it to post a cup of tea if you don't want to say anything? Or as you say, 'watch thread'. Bloody ghouls.

Zapdos · 06/12/2017 20:51

Thinking of you OP and hoping you manage to get some sleep tonight x

MrsMozart · 06/12/2017 20:51

Happyinherts you're right - it's the whole lot together.

nancy75 · 06/12/2017 20:52

I love the idea of always trusting your intuition - op trusted her intuition & moved in with the man who may now turn out to be a tosser, maybe intuition’s not all it’s cracked up to be

Mxyzptlk · 06/12/2017 20:53

Maybe, Cheddar.
So why did he put on all his new smart gear?

iggleypiggly · 06/12/2017 20:54

I hope you hear soon OP. Have a glass of wine and try and sleep well tonight Flowers

gingergenius · 06/12/2017 20:55

No Nancy it's not infallible but in times like this it's rarely wrong ime

fc301 · 06/12/2017 20:57

Was placemarking as funnily enough, like everyone, I have stuff going on too. But cared enough to want to know what happened. Had no idea a full stop was so offensive. And too ignorant to 'watch thread'. But I've been told haven't I.

To OP only. I apologise if my placemarking seemed callous. I think your judgement has been bang on all day unfortunately and I wish you all the very best. 💐

CurlyRover · 06/12/2017 20:57

Thank you Mxyzptlk

OP I'm so sorry he's still not back. I really hoped he would be by now. Sounds like your intuition is right :(

JaneEyre70 · 06/12/2017 20:58

Has he taken his wallet OP?? I can see why you've made the conclusion you have but this does also sound very odd on his part......... going off to meet someone without a coat in December is very strange, especially if he was walking/using transport. Can you put a FB status up and tag him in it so his family/friends would see it?? This must feel horrid for you, but I'm also feeling a little element of concern too.........however misplaced it may turn out to be.

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 20:58

Thank you all for being here. To try and answer some of you...

The flat is in my name only. Thank goodness. We did move into it together but I was careful enough to do that for my sons sake more than anything, I don't want him losing his home.

Iv been in contact with his family, the assure me if they hear anything they will let me know, which I believe, particularly his sister in law as we do talk a fair bit.

If he needs reporting missing, il let his brother do that. I think once he's worried about his safety I will be, they talk almost constantly every day, although ironically not today due to other circumstances.

I still know nothing, Iv heard nothing, I think if he calls or texts now it will only be a goodbye, and so be it.

I won't beg, I won't ring, I won't message the ex, i won't drive to his Mums or friends, I won't degrade myself to that. He knows where I am when he's ready. If he ever is.

I don't know what has happened, I don't, today I woke up and went to work as normal and my life has completely flipped upside down. If I hear anything il be sure to update. This thread has kept me sane today, for the most part. Xxx

OP posts:
gingergenius · 06/12/2017 20:59

@fc301 there have been some grumbling recently as it's seen as a bit 'rubbernecking' to put a full stop just to watch the outcome. It's also used to troll hunt as you only get a deletion message if you've commented on a thread I believe.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 06/12/2017 20:59

I'm in Australia OP so if you can't sleep, I can chat. I hope he turns up soon.x

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 21:00

Also yes wallet gone, keys gone, and as far as I can tell that's literally it!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 06/12/2017 21:00

So sorry you are going through this. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but long term, you've had a lucky escape from this guy. He isn't one of the good ones.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 06/12/2017 21:01

you poor thing. What a colossal wanker. I'm very impressed by your dignity. As soon as you hear he's ok and just scarpered make sure you bin his stuff and shred his passport. You don't need to be so dignified you can't have a little rage out on his belongings.