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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 06/12/2017 20:27

I was also wondering about the flat op? I hope you are able to stay there if this all goes tits up- pardon my language.

I'm so bloody angry on your behalf, I hope you get some answers soonFlowers

loveisevol · 06/12/2017 20:29

Uchhh what a shitty thing for him to do. Really hope you're ok op.

usernameavailable · 06/12/2017 20:29

* I would def call police and report him as a missing person if he's gone for any length of time. If he has had an accident, he gets found. If he's left you and they track him, he'll get a bollocking from the police. win win...*

Totally agree!

butterfly56 · 06/12/2017 20:29

Hi Carrotgirl
I really feel for you as I have been in exactly the same situation many many years ago and it hurts like hell.
I would pack his stuff tonight because he is not going to tell you the truth and if you take him back he will do it again.
I wish MN had been around when I was in my 20's with all the good advice.
Put yourself and your feelings first. The trust has gone today and it will never come back. Flowers

Ginorchoc · 06/12/2017 20:30

Don’t call the Police unless you’re concerned for his safety of course.

The Police are not their to be used to bollock *ickheads who wander off Iron.

PJBanana · 06/12/2017 20:31

I really hope there's a plausible explanation for this OP. Have you heard anything yet?

Kleokat · 06/12/2017 20:31

..

Trailedanderror · 06/12/2017 20:31

The shoes and coat left etc. is spooky. I think you do need to track him down. Has he got find friends on his phone or can you see his phone from a computer?

Lovemusic33 · 06/12/2017 20:32

So sorry OP, it’s not looking good.

I split with my ex last Christmas, like you I hadn’t known him long before I moved him into my house. I found out he had cheated and also had to report him as a missing person. It totally messed me up and ruined Christmas for me and my dd’s. The best thing I did was to bag all his things up and leave them outside (got rid of anything that was his) and changed the locks. I was stupid to move someone in that I had only known for a short time, obviously I didn’t know him well enough, we learn from our mistakes Sad.

It’s not looking good and even if he does turn up now do you really want to put up with this?

BinG0wings123 · 06/12/2017 20:32

Report him missing in the morning.
What a prick he is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 20:33

Just an aside but who are these shitty posters 'placemarking'?

How difficult is it to post a platitude even if you don't believe it if you just must be kept up to date with the thread. You're pathetic.

Frazzled2207 · 06/12/2017 20:33

Sorry you're going through this. It doesn't look good at all but either way I hope he bloody turns up and explains wtf is going on soon.

Whatsinanameanyway201 · 06/12/2017 20:33

lyingwitch probably daily fail 'reporters' !!

nancy75 · 06/12/2017 20:34

To everyone name calling, The ‘missing boyfriend’ could have gone down the shop & been run over! Thinking your partner has left after he’s been out if the house for a couple of hours is a big leap

LinaLaaamont · 06/12/2017 20:35

It’s ridiculously immature and cowardly, hurtful and selfish, OP.
I hope you get firm answers soon.

OnTheRise · 06/12/2017 20:35

I've been reading this thread off and on through the day and am horrified that he's treated you so badly, carrot. The only excuse could be if he was in hospital but as he got himself all dressed up nicely before he went out I doubt that's the case. I'm so sorry.

If he does turn up at any point and hasn't spent the day in hospital or otherwise incapacitated I hope you'll be strong enough to not let him in.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 20:36

Carrot, what you DO know is that he's done this before. He has form for it. He has access to your flat so he can retrieve his things if he wants to and perhaps he would plan to do that when you're not there.

He's not a good partner for what he said to you on the phone, irrespective if he's on life support somewhere now (which I doubt).

He's made you jumpy and sad and doubting yourself and your worth. No man is worth that and if he comes back you'll never know a minute's peace if he's minimally late again. Is that really what you want for yourself?

You do deserve better.

OfficeDictionary · 06/12/2017 20:36

Feel for you, especially going through this so close to Christmas Thanks

Westcountrygemini · 06/12/2017 20:37

So sorry OP, it's the not knowing that's the worst isn't it? I hope he surfaces soon and explains.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 20:38

whatsinaname, I was bang on with the 'shitty poster' thing then. Grin

I wish placemarking on threads like this was against guidelines. It's obviously not something that can be left to people's sense of decency.

Orlandointhewilderness · 06/12/2017 20:38

Have you heard from him yet? Do you think you should maybe ring family and friends etc?!

PastaOfMuppets · 06/12/2017 20:38

OP this guy's behaviour is mind boggling

Get your locks changed first thing in the morning just in case, what a d*ck he is

PinkFluff2 · 06/12/2017 20:40

I disagree with everyone who is saying it's a big leap. When this happened to me I felt exactly like OP, you just KNOW what's going on.

OP knows how he has behaved for 6 months and can see the warning signs and the sudden character change since his ex got in touch. As painful as it is, it's more likely he's with his ex than in a hospital bed.

OP I think you're doing fantastic. In the long run keeping your dignity will be the best thing you ever did. I only sent 2 texts to the guy who did this to me, so I kept as much dignity as I could. But I know it nearly kills you trying not to ring etc.

Thanks
alwaysontimeneverlate · 06/12/2017 20:40

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe ah is that what that is? Why not just click watch thread?

@Carrotgirl999 I cannot imagine what you're going through. 💐 I hope you get answers from this cowardly 'man'

user1497997754 · 06/12/2017 20:41

My ex husband moved all his stuff out while I was at work....we worked for the same company....found out he had been seeing a few women behind my back....he filed for divorce and I agreed....,halfway through he had a change of heart and asked me to stop the divorce I just said no....end of.....at the time I was devestated.....3 years later I married the love of my life and been together 11 years now and so happy.....my ex did me a huge favour.....bumped into a colleague of mine who still works at the same company and my ex is still there apparently fat and miserable he married one of the women he was seeing while together with me and he is really unhappy.....karma is a wonderful thing

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