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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
laudanum · 06/12/2017 19:37

Even if he does come back and is all apologetic etc, I would call everything off because this kind of behaviour is NOT ON, and it's a massive red flag. You deserve so much better. You're not someone to be shelved when he feels like it.

Mxyzptlk · 06/12/2017 19:37

Sorry, OP. It isn't looking good.

If he has left, then he's turned out to be stunningly selfish. You couldn't know that.

I hope it turns out all right for you.

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 19:38

I really really don't deserve this. At all. Even if he came back now, and he's having another down day in the future, I'd be sat at work wondering if he was going to be here when I got home. I can't live like this. It's really really stupid all this. Can hardly believe it's happening

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/12/2017 19:40

My heart aches for you Carrot - but please don't blame yourself or beat yourself up. You were vulnerable (and possibly so was he) and you saw him as someone who made you feel attractive and exciting again - any of us could be in the same boat with your DV history.

Whatever happens between the two of you I hope that it is the best for you and your DS,

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 06/12/2017 19:41

If his absence was completely innocent, he would have found some way to get in touch, unless somethings happened to him, in which case op would have heard by now. It really isn't looking good op, I'm so sorry

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 19:42

Thankyou. I hope so too. Going to have to dig deep tonight.

One thing I can say is Iv not called him since around 12.30 and sent the text at 1.30 and kept my dignity since.

And for that I'm reasonably proud of myself.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 06/12/2017 19:50

Blimey just caught up. Was hoping you would have heard something by now. Poor you. I feel for you. It's a horrible place to be.

SandyY2K · 06/12/2017 19:51

Just read the thread and thought he'd definitely be back by the time I get through 15 pages.... so sorry about this.

If he wants a cheating ex back... who is going behind her BFs back to try and get him back ..
Then more fool him .

Doesn't sound like his family will be impressed with him if he did that either.

garmsfresh · 06/12/2017 19:51

I would end it before he has the chance , he sounds like utterly selfish self indulgent prick .Chin up OP

Gazelda · 06/12/2017 19:52

Can you lock the door so he is unable to get in without buzzing You first?

TheHandmaidsTail · 06/12/2017 19:53

I'd text him so you can see if delivered and tell him you've called the police to get a reaction I may have done this in the past with a dickhead ex

Then when he contacted me I'd tell him to fuck off.

wowimamazing · 06/12/2017 19:53

For all we know he's gone out to the shops to buy food and crashed the car and is in hospital.

Whatsinanameanyway201 · 06/12/2017 19:53

carrot well done, carry on being strong and DO NOT contact him. You're doing so well, it must be so hard for you x

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 19:54

I have no choice but to keep chin up. None.

I'm going to give myself tonight to wallow, and wonder, and feel this nerve wracked.

Tomorrow I'm going to let myself cry. Sit in a dark room, and feel sorry for myself. (After my sons gone to school)

Friday I'm packing up his shit.

That's that.

Still waiting for brothers reply, he's home now, they're trying to get hold of him as far as I know they know nothing either. X

OP posts:
Bobbins43 · 06/12/2017 19:55

OP, this is such shitty behaviour. I am so sorry x

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 19:57

Wow, he doesn't drive.

Second, he's put brand spanking clothes on (that he was saving for works xmas party) and left tags on the bed. To go to the shops? Nah.

Lastly I called him at 9.30 to say I was on home from work. He was already out then and didn't say a word.

I'm not worried for his safety.

OP posts:
wowimamazing · 06/12/2017 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

elland · 06/12/2017 19:59

Does she drive? Maybe she came to pick him up and that's why he didn't take a coat.

It must be driving you insane OP! What a selfish prick he is.

PoorYorick · 06/12/2017 20:00

God why are people so cowardly? He owes you some respect and human decency. I'd just be glad he's gone, easy as that is for me to say. I couldn't ever sustain a relationship with a craven coward.

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 20:01

Yorick. I really hope I get to the stage of good riddance. Soon. Two weeks before xmas is a fucking killer tho. His presents wrapped under tree, ones he's bought me are there wrapped up. The tree we went and bought together. Even his shoes next to the door, coat hung up.

I can't even start to think about being glad he's gone when it feels like he's still bloody here!

OP posts:
feska5 · 06/12/2017 20:01

I feel for you OP. You really do not deserve to be treated like this. He’s not showing you any respect or consideration whatsoever. My guess is he’s gone to meet his ex. He will come back with his tail between his legs and a pathetic excuse for not answering your messages. The question is what will you do. You deserve so much more. I’m sure once you’ve heard everything he has to say you will make the right decision for you and your son. Hope you learn soon what’s going on because the waiting must be horrendous and hope everything turns out well for you.

Gemini69 · 06/12/2017 20:02

Carrotgirl999 I just wanted to add to the mountains of comments on here agreeing that... this guy has behaved DISGUSTINGLY ... there would be no return from behaving like this.. no matter what the circumstances... you can never trust a man who behaves like this... he is a fucking Coward...

Please look after yourself.. be kind to yourself and your health... and prepare for the worst... but you have absolutely had a lucky escape.. you and your DS... take good care of yourself Lady Flowers

magoria · 06/12/2017 20:02

It makes me wonder if he really heard his ex had cheated and left or if he planned something then, just like today and got rumbled and was too chicken to go back and face the music.

PinkFluff2 · 06/12/2017 20:03

This is beyond awful. My ex boyfriend disappeared on me a couple of years ago on my birthday. Never heard a word from him ever again. It hurts so much more when they take the cowards way out. I am so sorry you're going through this, I bet it feels like time has stopped Sad

pollythedolly · 06/12/2017 20:03

Stay strong OP Flowers