Argument was too harsh: I don't know if I can move on. What now?

[Insanityinthesuburbs]

Ok, bit of back story. Divorced last year. Two children 5 and 7. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months. All going well. He seems lovely.

An argument over something trivial turned nasty on Thursday evening. Now, I know people say harsh things but one of the things he said to me I cannot stop going round my head. He told me 'he understands why my ExH cannot stand my guts as I'm a fcking nagging B2%tch" - to say I was shocked was an understatement. In fact I think I'm still in shock. Its triggered all sorts of emotions in me. Maybe I was responsible for the divorce (he left me, wouldn't go to counselling - knew I wanted to stay together). Now what makes it worse, we kissed and made up. He apologised. We talked about the things he said and I asked whether he said them in anger. He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.

I'm devastated and feel like I'm slipping back into a depression I worked bloody hard to crawl out of when my ExH left. Im not sure what to do about DP. Maybe he has nothing to be sorry for: if that's who I am. He just wants to forget it. But I cant. I am just pretending im ok, whilst I try and figure out what I should do. Does anyone have any advice, as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this,

I think the first response sums it up perfectly.
Fuck that noise, bin the cunt
However, I don't think you've come back because you are believing his bullshit.
He's controlling and abusive.
And this is all within 4 months.
That's early for an abuser to show his hand so you know you need to run far and very very fast.

OP - if you are still reading, be prepared for a 'love-bombing' from this man. He's engineered this argument to test your boundaries; he might feel his control slipping as you distance yourself. He will then be 'lovely' again, for a few months maybe.

Until he tries it again, and you will slide over the horrible remarks, because there will normally be something else, something worse. Maybe violence, maybe even more hurtful remarks.

Get rid now, and for ever. Thank your lucky stars that you recognised abuse in it's early stages.

Hello all. I'm still here!! I have sent him a text saying I don't want to go on and blocked him. Feeling the fear and bagging up his stiff. Continued thanks for the support.

Another voice adding to the 'bin the cunt' advice.

Seriously, he's only 4 months into a relationship with you and he's saying shit like this. He's controlling and nasty. Your self esteem isn't that great already, think what tatters it will be in in 12 months time if you continue with this man!

Well done. You’ve definitely done the right thing.

Well done op for being brave.

Feeling the fear and bagging up his stiff.

Bloody hell op you didn't kill him did you?!

Hi OP,

Just saying hi, hope you're OK. I think you've had a narrow escape, even if it feels horrible right now.

No one deserves to be spoken to like that, after 5 minutes or 5 years, let alone 4 months.

Can you drop his stuff somewhere neutral? I have a feeling he may try and pressure you into giving it another go if you see him in person.

Well done, OP.

When I binned off a bloke like this, some years ago, I left his bag of stuff with a mutual friend. Didn't want him to have an excuse to come round.

Well done OP!

It's amazing that you've moved on so much from your marriage that you can spot an arsehole now.

Don't look back or have second thoughts.

At times like these I bloody love Mumsnet.
Even after 6 years the great support and help given never ceases to amaze me.
Good luck insanityinthesuburbs

You are doing the right thing, don't waver.
And as someone has said before - well done for spotting his bad behaviour early enough.

Good for you OP.

Bag the stiff.

Another well done and my first mumsnet gift of . Staying with him would have resulted in escalation of abuse. You dodged a bullet, saw the red flags and acted before stuff became entrenched. Fantastic!

Good news!

Well done OP.
But... bagging up his stuff!
What????
I've been seeing someone for 6 months and he would have nothing to bag of mine nor me his.
I think he's loved bombed you which is another red flag.
Take things much slower with future men.
But well spotted and you've done what you need to do.
Keep strong and don't listen to his manipulative bullshit.
You will get it!

Hurrrrraaaahhhh to bagging up the stiff. Best of luck op & Merry Christmas

Hells bells - just some things he's left at mine such as the odd jumper, contact lenses etc.....

Stay strong Lady... you know you deserve better

Well done OP! And those other things you said he did like meeting you from work and always asking where you are.. All point to a controlling person. You're well rid.

How are things going OP?

Good work! x

Well done you! This was a test to see if you would tolerate abuse. Abuse always escalate so God knows what would have awaited you. You first responded how he wanted to: kissing and making up and taking the blame. But now you have showed him you are not standing for his bullshit.

Well done OP

He is abusive and he would have upped his game in not time at all.

I am so glad you ended it, keep strong.