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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument was too harsh: I don't know if I can move on. What now?

174 replies

Insanityinthesuburbs · 03/12/2017 11:54

Ok, bit of back story. Divorced last year. Two children 5 and 7. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months. All going well. He seems lovely.

An argument over something trivial turned nasty on Thursday evening. Now, I know people say harsh things but one of the things he said to me I cannot stop going round my head. He told me 'he understands why my ExH cannot stand my guts as I'm a fcking nagging B2%tch" - to say I was shocked was an understatement. In fact I think I'm still in shock. Its triggered all sorts of emotions in me. Maybe I was responsible for the divorce (he left me, wouldn't go to counselling - knew I wanted to stay together). Now what makes it worse, we kissed and made up. He apologised. We talked about the things he said and I asked whether he said them in anger. He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.

I'm devastated and feel like I'm slipping back into a depression I worked bloody hard to crawl out of when my ExH left. Im not sure what to do about DP. Maybe he has nothing to be sorry for: if that's who I am. He just wants to forget it. But I cant. I am just pretending im ok, whilst I try and figure out what I should do. Does anyone have any advice, as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this,

OP posts:
Loveatthefiveanddime · 03/12/2017 15:47

Also OP, remember in future that even if said in anger, what he said was completely unacceptable. I have had many arguments with my partner over our 18 years together, and sometimes they have got loud and had swearing in, but not ever, never, never personal insults. That alone should have been reason to dump him. The non-apology is just further fuel.

ptumbi · 03/12/2017 15:51

Oh Chrys not you again! Last time we 'met', you were berating a woman for chucking out her lying, cheating husband. He was only 'following his instincts'. And in the far-future, we will be evolved into accepting his leg-over as just what-humans-do.

Here you are trying to pass the blame onto OP. If she wants to get rid of a dickhead who calls her names and tries to belittle and hurt her; If they cant get on without arguing after 4 months then they should split, no? Or do you think he is just exercising his animal instincts in this too, and therefore should be excused?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2017 15:58

Did you say some harsh things to him, OP, before he said the words that upset you?

It doesn't matter. Because after 4 months, if he really thinks she is what he said, the door is that way. >

But he isn't leaving, even though he says he thinks her behaviour is awful, because it's not about that. It's about him controlling her, testing her boundaries and making sure she will put up with insults and nastiness before he escalates.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/12/2017 15:59

Have you sent your —fuck off— ‘Good bye’ message yet? There are a couple of good options here ^

Please don’t let this git set you back. You’ve worked hard to get this far.

I know it really hits hard when someone says something like that, then reiterates it in their ‘apology’, but you have to remember that he said it to control you not because it’s the truth. This isnt someone who knows you being honest with you, this is someone you barely know trying to manipulate you. You have to understand & believe that. It’s important.

I found the first break up after my might-as-well-have-been-married relationship broke up was the worst. It was harder than when the actual relationship broke up. Lots of complicated reasons for that I think, but it very much hits you in the stomach and you’re dealing with both lots of hurt & upset.

The good news is, after the first one it gets easier 😂. You can say to yourself ‘This hurts & I feel shit, but I know in time I’ll be ok again’.

You’ve had a lucky escape, you found out early what a wanker he is. TRY to take everyone’s advice & let it be something positive (you’re not taking this shit) instead of something negative (because it’s absolutely not you!).

🍷💐

FinallyHere · 03/12/2017 16:51

Glad to see MN has spoken sense to you, and provided support for you to get this horror out of you live

You deserve so much more that him, thank you lucky stars that he has shown his truce colours so early in your relationship. All the best.

Chrys2017 · 03/12/2017 17:11

Here you are trying to pass the blame onto OP.

Not apportioning blame either way, as we don't have the full story here. I merely enquired as to what OP said to him before his outburst. She said an argument "turned nasty" so it's reasonable to assume there was nastiness on both sides.

It doesn't matter. Because after 4 months, if he really thinks she is what he said, the door is that way. >

People quite often say things they don't mean. Perhaps OP also said things she didn't mean during this encounter?

Bluntness100 · 03/12/2017 17:15

Chrys. You’re missing rhe point, this isn’t a case of said in anger and then apologised for, she asked him after they made up if he said those things in anger and he said no, parts of her personality would drive anyone away. This is after calling her a fucking nagging bitch and that he understood why her ex husband couldn’t stand her,

Four months in, this is game over for any normal reasonable and remotely intelligent human.

annielouise · 03/12/2017 17:18

Agree with the others. If you're that bad why isn't he giving you the elbow? Why - because he's gearing up to erode every little bit of self-esteem that you have, bit by bit.

annielouise · 03/12/2017 17:19

He has a stick now and he'll beat you with it whenever you do something he's not happy with. After all, he must be right as your exH thought the same. You don't need this.

Bluntness100 · 03/12/2017 17:21

If you're that bad why isn't he giving you the elbow?

Yup, he’s making out he’s doing her a favour by being with her even though she’s this awful person.

Bottom line is though we do say things in anger, but not four months in to this extreme level of abuse and we apologise afterwards or try to explain ourselves in a non abusive way, we don’t maintain part of our partner is so awful that any human being would be driven away by it.

Coupled with his desire to know where she is, to drive her home from work etc, Pure and simple this guy is a controlling abuser.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2017 17:22

Chrys2017 you must have the lowest of low standards if you think there's any reason to attempt to save this. I wouldn't want to be with someone who (after the argument so not in anger) says, "he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away". After four months!

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2017 17:24

Thank fuck you’ve only spent 4 months with this tosser. Can you imagine how you’d feel if you’d wasted years?

But now my dear you need to focus on YOU. Decide what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Have you thought about the freedom programme?

ptumbi · 03/12/2017 18:01

People quite often say things they don't mean. Like No?

Every post I´ve seen you make has been to suggest that the woman is in the wrong. For kicking out a cheating lying screwaround, for saying 'the wrong thing', for saying something she 'didnt mean'?

He is a potential controlling abuser. Why would anyone in their right mind want a partner like that? Why should she stay with him?

There is a word for people like you, but I´d get deleted if I said it.

ptumbi · 03/12/2017 18:06

it's reasonable to assume there was nastiness on both sides. - in which case it´s a damn good idea to split, isn`t it? Before it gets even nastier.

Nipplesunited · 03/12/2017 18:13

A few years ago i was starting a relationship with someone. He was lovely. He got angry at my one night for calling his name twice when he fell asleep on my sofa.
He wound up saying to me "you have no one. You are awful. Even your best friend died to get away from you" as my friend hadnt long past away.

I knew it was a red flag and i kicked him straight out,but i fell for his sob stories the following few days. It was an early relationship, like yours.
I wound up being glaslighted for 5 years before i found the courage and support to realise it wasnt me.

Dont fall into the same trap, not when you have just found your freedom

Isetan · 03/12/2017 18:31

Sixteen weeks and you're calling him DP? You've dating and the whole point of dating is to find shit like this out.

The comment he made was a marker, letting you know that he will weaponise your insecurities and use them against you, if you dare cross him. It will be the little voice in your head, like a shock collar, that will train you into STFU.

Your Ex has left scars and it doesn't sound like you really understand how deep those run. Take a break from dating and take the time to find out who you are. If you don't, you'll get sucked in by another controlling knob because of your poor boundaries and low self esteem.

Hernameisdeborah · 03/12/2017 19:12

Get rid, he'll get worse. Honestly, life is too short for this shite and you can do much better than him.

Hissy · 03/12/2017 19:37

You know that it’s NOT actually normal to argue within months of starting a relationship right?

He needs to go. You will suffer if you stay with him.

lookatyourwatchnow · 03/12/2017 19:47

I promise you that if you stay with this man, you will regret it. Keep playing all of the empowering comments from this thread around in your head and end the relationship

Bluntness100 · 03/12/2017 19:59

I’ve been with my husband 28 years since I was 20. We’ve had some vicious arguments, nastiness both sides, but never in 28 years has he called me a “fucking nagging bitch”. He might say “why are you being such a bitch”.but never “you’re a fucking nagging bitch”, nor has he ever used anything that hurts me as a weapon against me, like this man did with the op and her ex comment.

My husband also apologises, as I do for words spoken in anger after.

This is normal, not healthy but not relationship ending abuse by one party either.

So what the op posts for me is shocking and wouldn’t be acceptable 28 years in, never mind four months of dating,. If my husband told me I was a fucking nagging bitch the fall out from that would be huge.

Cricrichan · 03/12/2017 20:45

What a nasty wanker.

Katedotness1963 · 03/12/2017 20:51

He really went for the jugular, didn't he?! You must know you deserve so much better from a partner?

KatnissMellark · 03/12/2017 20:52

Get rid.

Cockmagic · 03/12/2017 20:54

I've been with my partner 2 years we have a lovely relationship, he treats me and my daughter with respect.

We argue rarely, but if he ever spoke to me like that he's been gone.

Billben · 04/12/2017 09:03

but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.

This is the sentence that would make me stop seeing him.

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