Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument was too harsh: I don't know if I can move on. What now?

174 replies

Insanityinthesuburbs · 03/12/2017 11:54

Ok, bit of back story. Divorced last year. Two children 5 and 7. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months. All going well. He seems lovely.

An argument over something trivial turned nasty on Thursday evening. Now, I know people say harsh things but one of the things he said to me I cannot stop going round my head. He told me 'he understands why my ExH cannot stand my guts as I'm a fcking nagging B2%tch" - to say I was shocked was an understatement. In fact I think I'm still in shock. Its triggered all sorts of emotions in me. Maybe I was responsible for the divorce (he left me, wouldn't go to counselling - knew I wanted to stay together). Now what makes it worse, we kissed and made up. He apologised. We talked about the things he said and I asked whether he said them in anger. He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.

I'm devastated and feel like I'm slipping back into a depression I worked bloody hard to crawl out of when my ExH left. Im not sure what to do about DP. Maybe he has nothing to be sorry for: if that's who I am. He just wants to forget it. But I cant. I am just pretending im ok, whilst I try and figure out what I should do. Does anyone have any advice, as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this,

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 03/12/2017 13:14

OMG insanity that's a vile thing to say to you, as everyone has said.

My DH's position on nagging is "daisy, there's no need to keep nagging me every 6 months to fix the garage door" Grin

You've come a long way from a painful breakup with your Ex, don't let this toe-rag make you doubt yourself, you deserve much much better. X

Luxanna · 03/12/2017 13:16

He thought of the thing that would hurt you most and said it in the vilest language he could muster.

He apologised in a non-apology manner while holding on to his assertion of "being in the right" by saying the same nasty thing but in a SLIGHTLY less nasty way in a blatant attempt to undermine your self confidence.

He is the gaslighting type, plain to see in what he said after the argument. This will continue and get worse.

You sound lovely and like you've had a hard time of it. Do you really need to put yourself through this again. You know sooner or later, he will start threatening to leave you in order to shut you down and make you compliant if you try to stand up for yourself when he speaks to you disrespectfully, don't you.

You deserve so much more than being spoken to like that.

Even if you are prone to doing a bit of nagging, does NOT make you a bad person who deserves to be treated badly. Remember that behind a large majority of nagging is a man who won't listen (not the first, second or twentieth time) and fails to keep his promises. Nagging is not a one sided thing.

nibora · 03/12/2017 13:19

I think I can see bits of his personality that would drive anyone away.

He's horrible, and not very bright if he's shown you what he's really like this early on.

liminality · 03/12/2017 13:20

It's possible love, that having come out of a rough relationship, you have found the same kind of person accidentally. It happens.

You owe him absolutely nothing at all. Binge on some empowering Ted talks and leave him high and dry. Good luck.

sirbedevere · 03/12/2017 13:21

Fuck that for a game of chess! A comment like that is NEVER acceptable, let alone 4 months in 😮 bin him off. Tell him it's aspects of his personality that's driven you away. What a cunt!

annandale · 03/12/2017 13:23

I'd dump him printout and tbh maybe stop actively dating for a bit? If someone turns up that's one thing but it takes a while to really heal from a damaging relationship - and youve now had two in less than a year. Have a break? Enjoy friends, kids, yourself?

gamerchick · 03/12/2017 13:24

I wouldn't go and see him. He struck to early with his boundary testing for what you're willing to take from him.

Draw on what it took to recover from your ex. Pick your phone up and send him a text saying you never want to see him again. You might get a bit of trouble getting rid of him but it should be short lived if you're only 4 months in.

OnTheRise · 03/12/2017 13:27

Don't meet up with him as planned. He's treated you horribly, and even used his apology to make more digs at you.

You deserve better than this. Dump him by text, block his number, and have nothing more to do with him.

Really, don't go and see him. You're just giving him the chance to abuse you further. And he won't take being let go well, and will almost certainly be angry and abusive again.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 03/12/2017 13:28

That's awful OP, he's clearly done a number on you if even after four months he's got you doubting yourself so badly.

Your follow up post proves it. I honestly think that even from the little you've posted, you're probably still a little too raw emotionally to date right now. Take some time to spend on your own.

snowsnowsnowsnow · 03/12/2017 13:32

bin bin bin and do it by text or he may persuade you otherwise. He knows you are emotionally vulnerable. Good luck and take some time to heal from your divorce

gillybeanz · 03/12/2017 13:33

After 4 months he isn't your dp, this is your mistake.
He's a bf you've known for a very short time.
He may be right, he may be wrong.
Maybe there is something you need to work on wrt your personality, we all have something.
You aren't going to find it going to other relationships.
What about some time on your own concentrating on you, there's nothing wrong with going to counselling on your own, for yourself. Thanks

notapizzaeater · 03/12/2017 13:35

Walk away, after 4 months if he’s speaking to you like that, think what it will be when it’s 4years !

ptumbi · 03/12/2017 13:37

You really need some help to spot the Bad'uns, OP!

Anyone who 'keeps tabs on you' and wants to know what you are doing every minute is not 'lovely'.

The argument over a tiny thing - did he start it? Did he escalate it? Was he looking for a fight/reason to exert his control and authority?

He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away. - of course he can Hmm! He's said that to keep you on the back foot - you start thinking about your 'bits' or personality which are displeasing, and start wondering how to make them better - for him Hmm. This bending over backwards is another symptom of his controlling. And that is not an apology. No apology starting 'sorry, but...' is in no way an apology.

Bin him. He is NOT 'lovely'. Angry

Slowtrain2dawn · 03/12/2017 13:41

As Atilla says Freedom programme is amazing. Many women’s organisations run it, not only Womens aid, just thought I’d mention in case there isn’t a branch near you.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

daisychain01 · 03/12/2017 13:41

Definitely don't meet him later. That'll be precious minutes of your life you'll never get back.

Just give him enough seconds to drop a text to say you've decided to call time on your association with him (I wouldn't say it's been fun, or even call it a relationship, that's a mixed message - you want rid of this ghastly specimen),

Be matter of fact - remember that Dish that's best served cold!

ScarlettSahara · 03/12/2017 13:46

Don’t be afraid to end this relationship. Good job you have found out what he is like now. You deserve and will find far better. You are in control so be kind to yourself. Completely agree that it sounds as though he is trying to make you feel insecure to secure his own position.

Sparkletastic · 03/12/2017 13:52

Dump him.
Enjoy some time on your own.

flumpybear · 03/12/2017 13:54

Sounds controlling to me - sees flaws in you and sharing that - seriously! We all have flaws don’t worry, move on he’s not worth it

BelleandBeast · 03/12/2017 14:00

He's that type of person, the type that at a vulnerable time, after you have previously confided in him, throws your emotional baggage back at you.

I'd finish with him. Sorry.

Branleuse · 03/12/2017 14:10

Thats a vile thing for him to say. Walk away

TheEmmaDilemma · 03/12/2017 14:15

Ltb

MadameJosephine · 03/12/2017 14:21

The first reply on this thread said it all

4 months and he’s talking to you like that? Fuck that noise, bin the cunt

Text him to say you don’t want to see him again and then block his number. You owe this prick nothing

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 03/12/2017 14:24

I agree, you agree, we all agree that this relationship will not go the distance. Yes, dump him.
I also agree that ending it is not a conversation; it is more like a broadcast- no response required.
If he does respond, Just cut him off with "tell it to the next one"...
A bit of -talk to the hand- because no other part of me is listening.

Don't be sad. You are scraping shit off your shoe.
Flowers

Njordsgrrrl · 03/12/2017 14:32

Another vote for "bin the cunt" 🚮 I had someone say something similar (thankfully not serious) and I did. I worked out well.

ErmagherdWerfWerfs · 03/12/2017 14:35

Dump him! He’s horrible 😡