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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument was too harsh: I don't know if I can move on. What now?

174 replies

Insanityinthesuburbs · 03/12/2017 11:54

Ok, bit of back story. Divorced last year. Two children 5 and 7. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months. All going well. He seems lovely.

An argument over something trivial turned nasty on Thursday evening. Now, I know people say harsh things but one of the things he said to me I cannot stop going round my head. He told me 'he understands why my ExH cannot stand my guts as I'm a fcking nagging B2%tch" - to say I was shocked was an understatement. In fact I think I'm still in shock. Its triggered all sorts of emotions in me. Maybe I was responsible for the divorce (he left me, wouldn't go to counselling - knew I wanted to stay together). Now what makes it worse, we kissed and made up. He apologised. We talked about the things he said and I asked whether he said them in anger. He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.

I'm devastated and feel like I'm slipping back into a depression I worked bloody hard to crawl out of when my ExH left. Im not sure what to do about DP. Maybe he has nothing to be sorry for: if that's who I am. He just wants to forget it. But I cant. I am just pretending im ok, whilst I try and figure out what I should do. Does anyone have any advice, as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this,

OP posts:
Original poster
Insanityinthesuburbs · 03/12/2017 14:39

wow - ok - I can see the logic in that. Ive sent him a text saying something has come up and I cant see him tonight. Ill put together a goodbye one too. Shit. I thought he was nice - maybe you are right and Ive jumped out of the frying pan into the fire!

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 03/12/2017 14:40

I had all this bullshit with exp about my exh. Exh was no prize but exp was so much worse. It's not acceptable for a party we to say 'I can see why x left you' ever.

Op please get rid of him now and don't stick him a few years like it did. This can bee a reassuring thread for me

Annelind · 03/12/2017 14:46

OP from your posts, he is seeking to control you. You don't owe him a flowery drawn out "goodbye" message, You owe him NOTHING. A simple "I'm not seeing you any more, but good luck for the future" is enough. Then block. Value yourself - he never will.

CandiedPeach · 03/12/2017 14:46

Just message him “I’ve noticed parts of your personality that tell me you’re a cunt and that’s not what I’m looking for” then block him.

SleepFreeZone · 03/12/2017 14:47

He hasn't known you long enough to make any true judgement on your character. If anyone called me a bitch in an argument then I'm afraid that would be it, no going back and to be honest I would probably lose my shit like a crazy person anyway so the relationship would be over immediately.

onalongsabbatical · 03/12/2017 14:48

I'm so glad you've cancelled tonight.
Please, please go ahead and send the ending it text. It doesn't have to explain anything.

Annelind · 03/12/2017 14:49

Candied I much prefer your "goodbye" message to mine! Grin

onalongsabbatical · 03/12/2017 14:52

CandiedPeach perfect! Grin

Queenofthedrivensnow · 03/12/2017 15:00

Well done op. Also from my experience letting it go the first time when they say what he said makes it impossible to challenge if (when) he does it again.

Insomnibrat · 03/12/2017 15:02

OP, he didn't say that because he thought it. He said it because he knew it was the most hurtful way to cause you pain in the most awful way.

Bloke's a nasty dickhead. Well rid.

Dowser · 03/12/2017 15:03

Dump end of!

ButterfliesandMoths · 03/12/2017 15:08

You totally deserve better. There is someone out there for you, someone who will treat you so much better. Get rid before he drags you down.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2017 15:12

Hopefully you've dodged a bullet. I say 'hopefully' because some turds are difficult to flush.

You also need some help to recognize normal, healthy behaviour in relationships. Because this wasn't it. Is that thread still stickied to the top of the Relationship Board?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2017 15:14

I've checked it is. Read the first post on this board.

AdalindSchade · 03/12/2017 15:16

DO NOT MEET HIM IN PERSON EVER AGAIN

you're vulnerable and your boundaries are skewed and men like him have a radar and a sixth sense for women like you.
Dump him by text then block. End of story.

Insomnibrat · 03/12/2017 15:17

Do you have any of his stuff at your house?

Tinkie25 · 03/12/2017 15:18

How unpleasant! Ditch and move on.

MammaTJ · 03/12/2017 15:19

Anybody who apologises by justifying what they have said/done, is not actually apologising, they are just justifying themselves.

Really do bin him and do it in a way that he knows there is no coming back from. Text him to say it is over, you do not want to discuss it. Otherwise you will leave yourself open to another, even more complete, character assassination!

Oblomov17 · 03/12/2017 15:26

You are supposed to be in your honeymoon period. The bit at the beginning when it's so exciting. Not this. Not arguing.

The way he actually phrased it was awful too. But when he explained what he meant, I understood. After years and years, you could say this in an argument, meaning that someone has certain partly controlling aspect, a tiny bit of OCD, which is enough to drive someone nutty/drive them away.

But that's not the kind of thing you say after 4 months. Get rid!

Bluntness100 · 03/12/2017 15:30

Op, no nice person says what he says and then repeats it when the argument is over. And after four months we are still the best version. Of us. This guys mask is slipping and he’s already demonstrating other controlling behavuour.

Honestly get out now.

mogonfoxnight · 03/12/2017 15:34

Another one saying get away now, and it is really good it has happened so early. I hope it all works out and you meet a lovely, loving man.

SendintheArdwolves · 03/12/2017 15:34

Another one saying your instincts are spot on and dumping him is the right course of action.

He's testing your boundaries - he wants to see if you will put up with being called a bitch, and even accept that you were in some way to blame and that you have "flaws" which you need to work on.

I was seeing a guy like this once - attractive, lovely, charming, intense, and totally fascinated by everything about me. Honestly, he wanted to know every tiny detail - which looking back was creepy and weird. At the time, I thought he was just keen - after all, when you're crazy about someone, of course you find them fascinating, right?

Anyway, about four months in, he suddenly turned on me, out of the blue, and we had a massive and (from my standpoint) baffling row. I couldn't understand what had happened - my charming, tender boyfriend was replaced by this spitting, snarling, raging stranger. I wanted the nice one back, and to write off this as a bizarre abberation.

I apologised to him. He loftily agreed to forgive me. And then my own voice sounded inside my head, saying "you're scared of him". I told my friends what had happened, and one of them (with experience of domestic violence) said "promise me you'll never see or speak to this man ever again". SO I dumped him by email and received the most horrendous stream of email abuse, manipulation and character assassination. I'm guessing your guy will be the same, so brace yourself OP xx

BlackPeppercorn · 03/12/2017 15:35

Every argument you have with him in the future, he'll say the same sort of thing.
Then when he steps out of line majorly, such as an affair, he'll blame the same sort of thing.
When he eventually leaves you, he'll say it's because of the same sort of thing.
How convenient to be able to blame someone else, in some other relationship, with some other person, at some other time.
When actually it's all because he's a foul mouthed arsehole wrapped in red flags.

Chrys2017 · 03/12/2017 15:40

I know people say harsh things

Did you say some harsh things to him, OP, before he said the words that upset you?

If so what did you say?

AskBasil · 03/12/2017 15:40

Amatre's post of 12:38 is spot on.

There's a tendency to believe when you've come out of a relationship, that you've left the bad times behind you and everything is onwards and upwards from now on.

When the truth is, you can still be quite vulnerable and abusive men can sniff it out. They are attracted to women who are at a stage in their lives when not only are they vulnerable, but they don't know they are, because they feel like they're starting over.

At that stage, someone whose instinct is to undermine and corrode your self-esteem, can come into your life really easily and wreck it without you realising that's what's been happening until quite a few years in. When you look back, you realise that the second big relationship was just as bad as the one you left. The advantage the second one has, is that you don't want to believe that you can walk into a relationship as bad as or worse than the one you left.

I suspect he smelled that vulnerability and that's why he honed in on you. Luckily you're a mumsnetter and have access to people who can spot these fuckers a mile off and predict every move of their sorry arses. Well done for knowing that something was off here and being brave enough to post and ask for advice, keep doing that if you're feeling unsure in future and I second the advice to have a look at the Freedom Programme. You've dodged a bullet here, but there are lots of other bullets out there and you need to know how to recognise and avoid them.