Argument was too harsh: I don't know if I can move on. What now?

[Insanityinthesuburbs]

Ok, bit of back story. Divorced last year. Two children 5 and 7. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months. All going well. He seems lovely.

An argument over something trivial turned nasty on Thursday evening. Now, I know people say harsh things but one of the things he said to me I cannot stop going round my head. He told me 'he understands why my ExH cannot stand my guts as I'm a fcking nagging B2%tch" - to say I was shocked was an understatement. In fact I think I'm still in shock. Its triggered all sorts of emotions in me. Maybe I was responsible for the divorce (he left me, wouldn't go to counselling - knew I wanted to stay together). Now what makes it worse, we kissed and made up. He apologised. We talked about the things he said and I asked whether he said them in anger. He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.

I'm devastated and feel like I'm slipping back into a depression I worked bloody hard to crawl out of when my ExH left. Im not sure what to do about DP. Maybe he has nothing to be sorry for: if that's who I am. He just wants to forget it. But I cant. I am just pretending im ok, whilst I try and figure out what I should do. Does anyone have any advice, as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this,

Good luck x

Also a big YES to what Italiangreyhound said about negging, that is exactly what he is doing.

I think your intuition is giving you a big clue here - heed it.

And celebrate! Isn't it great that you can walk away! I'll bet it was hard leaving your marriage, and I'm guessing you had to tolerate a lot before you left and while you left.

This time: you don't have to. You are free to walk away. That's a great thing you have done for yourself; a great gift you have given yourself.

It may feel awful right now but actually it is proof that you are healing and looking after yourself.

If he genuinely thought that about you he wouldn't be with you, four months in with no commitments he could easily just walk if he decided you weren't for him. No, what he's doing is attempting to destroy your confidence and sense of self-worth so that you feel you need him and that he's the only man you can get. Then, he will start to treat you more and more badly, safe in the knowledge you're terrified to lose him. This could be the start of a slippery slope towards goodness knows what abuse for you and your children. Protect yourself and them and get rid of him immediately. Be thankful he has shown you this warning sign early on. Try being on your own for a bit or maybe some counselling to increase your self confidence and clear your mind from your ex, so that you won't be an easy target for abusers in future. Good luck.

Nope- bin him.

Look forward to spending Christmas with people who really love you and who you won't be treading on eggshells around, wondering if you are showing "negative sides of your personality" or whatever shite he threw at you.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

End it quickly and clearly and walk away. Then block him. Do not get into any long conversations or let him justify his behaviour. He’ll probably have an issue with you ending the relationship. Stay strong, you should never be insulted like this in a loving relationship.

Yes, when you end it don’t let it turn into a conversation. It doesn’t matter if he agrees with you or not or accepts it or not, it’s over. Nothing to debate.

Stay strong.

I’d get rid if someone I’d been with years said this. 4 months in they’d have been no discussion or opportunity for “making up” it would be over.

I agree with others, he said it to hurt you and that’s not normal anger of a argument showing, it’s cruel and abusive, and he’s definitely not lovely OP, even if he seems it.
Do not give him chance to apologise or convince you it’s you reading too much into it or any other bull shit he can think of. Dump and block on all media!

On the plus side, OP, now you know why the wanker was single when you met him. All the other women have dumpted the abusive fucker. 💐

Why do you need to see him to end it? Are you hoping he will apologise and want to be a better boyfriend? He may pretend to for a bit to sucker you back in, but he will not change his true colours. This man is not a good partner.

Also, he is likely to be horrible to you again if you do end it with him in person. In this case I think a text is perfectly acceptable then block.

haha PostivPerf. Yes. Googled red flags. Oh my god - its unreal. I thought the wanting to know where I was, drive me home from work, text him loads was because he was keen. Um....

Wake up, for goodness sake. The man is a dick.

I wouldn't dump him face-to-face. Does he have anything of yours in his house?

I wouldn't see him later. I'd cancel. I'd call and say I had changed my mind and decided i didn't want to see him again. I wouldn't engage further - unless i wanted him to apologise again (and pretend to change and then wait till i displeased him again and then he would throw it back at me) which i wouldn't. So what's the point?

I know someone whose father used to beat them. They told their OH and from then on in every row and whenever he got pissed of with her he'd say 'I can see why your dad was so heavy handed with you'. I can guarantee the guy wouldn't have 'you deserve a punch' without that previous information. But once the seed was there, he couldn't leave it. And it was an easier more acceptable way of saying 'i want to hit you'.

"And celebrate! Isn't it great that you can walk away!"

^ this

You are not tied to this person, so enjoy the moment! Congratulate yourself as you walk away ... if he's lucky (and you drop him from high enough a height) he might even learn enough to not always be a dick!

this, too v v v

"Yes, when you end it don’t let it turn into a conversation. It doesn’t matter if he agrees with you or not or accepts it or not, it’s over. Nothing to debate."

OP, he's talking nonsense. If you actually did have some unbearable character flaw, he would just have broken up with you. Not told you about it and expected to continue a relationship.

So the reality is he's negging you, he's deliberately undermining your confidence. Probably in order to have more control over you.

There's nothing wrong with you. No big character flaw. I know you're sad, it's a pity he turned out to be an arse.

You do deserve better though.

Oh my god. Only four months in and he makes this kind of attack then when you’ve made up, he kicks you again.

Show him exactly the bit of your personality that drives people away and tell him to fuck off.

It’s only going to get worse. This man is abusive, he knows your weak spot and he stuck the knife in it, then when he thought you were recovering he twisted it a little more because he could.

He’s now letting the mask fall and showing he’s a bully.. Get out fast whilst you still can and count it as a lucky escape.

Four months and you don’t know thr real him, you’re just starting to. This is a no brainier, end it immediately.

Ffs just saw your last post.

Don’t see him tonight, end it, by text.

“Hey, tonight is cancelled. It’s been fun but I do not wish to be in a relationship with you. Good luck in the future.

Then block him.

You don’t need to see him later; you don’t owe him that -just text -on reflection, it’s not working for you. The end.
I agree with the poster who said don’t tell future partners about intimate details of why your LTR broke down. None of their business!
Good luck OP. You sound like a nice person, who doesn’t need that crap x

Why would he be with you if you are a remotely capable of being a nightmare?

Why arent you looking for someone who loves you completely (4 months is actually too early for that (but he really should like you a lot.

You seem to have walked into a similar relationship as your marriage, one where you are not valued.
I would not want to be with someone who showed such a nasty side to him so early on..you have had a big wake up to his other side.

Please just text him and tell him the relationship is over and not to contact you again.
Do not get drawn into discussing it with him or justifying yourself.

He will only get worse.

Doesn't matter if you kissed and made up, you need to get him out of your life asap. He is a nasty piece of work and you must get rid of him.

Good luck

I've been with my partner over a decade and he has never once in anger or otherwise said anything even close to that disrespectful and unkind to me, no matter how much I nag.

He's the one with the bad personality, not you. You poor soul; it will hurt to break it off but you need someone who treats you right.

4 months into your relationship.. He's already abusing you using your ExDP's reasons for leaving you..... this is seriously bad OP... you really deserve better Lady ..

Yup, adding a voice to the many others...... Dump, preferably by text before he chips away anymore of your self esteem. Think of it as an early Christmas present to yourself.