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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument was too harsh: I don't know if I can move on. What now?

174 replies

Insanityinthesuburbs · 03/12/2017 11:54

Ok, bit of back story. Divorced last year. Two children 5 and 7. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months. All going well. He seems lovely.

An argument over something trivial turned nasty on Thursday evening. Now, I know people say harsh things but one of the things he said to me I cannot stop going round my head. He told me 'he understands why my ExH cannot stand my guts as I'm a fcking nagging B2%tch" - to say I was shocked was an understatement. In fact I think I'm still in shock. Its triggered all sorts of emotions in me. Maybe I was responsible for the divorce (he left me, wouldn't go to counselling - knew I wanted to stay together). Now what makes it worse, we kissed and made up. He apologised. We talked about the things he said and I asked whether he said them in anger. He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.

I'm devastated and feel like I'm slipping back into a depression I worked bloody hard to crawl out of when my ExH left. Im not sure what to do about DP. Maybe he has nothing to be sorry for: if that's who I am. He just wants to forget it. But I cant. I am just pretending im ok, whilst I try and figure out what I should do. Does anyone have any advice, as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this,

OP posts:
ThePinkPanter · 03/12/2017 12:14

You deserve so much better than that. Bin.

YouThought · 03/12/2017 12:18

It's not nice to have to go through but at least it's clear cut what you have to do. I'd dump him instantly. I wouldn't bother talking about it with him. It's a new relationship and it's not worth any analysis.

Block him from everything and move on.

Obviously it's upsetting for this to happen but thank goodness you have found out what a nasty shot he is now.
Good luck for the future. . Thanks

BTW Saying harsh things in the heat of the moment isn't something you have to put up.

ThePinkOcelot · 03/12/2017 12:18

He’s nasty OP. That comment was designed to hurt. It was sticking the knife in and twisting it!! The nasty bastard!! No one who truly cared about you would want to hurt you like that. Bin him!

topcat2014 · 03/12/2017 12:19

Bin him off.
My DW (of 15 years) is not averse to a bit of a nag. I, meanwhile, am not averse to being a bit of a sulk.

We might, accuse each other of this, but I would 'NEVER' use the word bitch. Not acceptable.

Pinkpillows · 03/12/2017 12:20

What he said leads me to believe he's a bully abusive bastard

Now just don't say owt to him block him forget him

Nipplesunited · 03/12/2017 12:21

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Get rid. He doesnt know you well enough to make comments on your situation with your exh.
Do not let his words drag you down!

Nipplesunited · 03/12/2017 12:21

pinkpillows - i agree with you

GeekyWombat · 03/12/2017 12:21

Dump him. You deserve better. And he can cock off with his non-apology apology too.

Flowers
CrypticClues · 03/12/2017 12:22

he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away And this is over something trivial... fuck that.

NO-one can decide for you, but if it were me - if this is what happens when you fall out over trivial stuff, I wouldn't want to be around to work through the big stuff. 4 months isn't long at all... I would be out, and I would spend some time building my self-esteem back up.

Wauden · 03/12/2017 12:22

I should call it a day before he does your head in, or does so even more.

MrsKoala · 03/12/2017 12:24

He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.

Sounds like he is leaving a door open to keep saying shit like this. If he thinks that now then why is he with you? More likely he has seen your vulnerability and will use this as a stick to beat you with whenever you disagree with him.

If DH said something like that to me after years of being together there'd be serious words. If he said it after 4 months the only words would be 'Goodbye'.

Cracker09jacker · 03/12/2017 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummatFishyEre · 03/12/2017 12:25

He sounds vile. Why would you want to be with someone who would talk to you like that?

lljkk · 03/12/2017 12:25

You can do better, OP. Free yourself to find the better.

Ropsleybunny · 03/12/2017 12:27

End it NOW, you deserve so much better. [flowers[

Ropsleybunny · 03/12/2017 12:27
Flowers
Tara12 · 03/12/2017 12:28

Can you Google red flags ? Because he is almost definitely going to abuse you further. Dump him, block him and do not speak to him, text him or email ever again.
It would be very very helpful to you to speak to Women's Aid.I almost beg you to.
Lovely, I have been there and I have a couple of t shirts to prove it.

Italiangreyhound · 03/12/2017 12:29

" He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away." Let him be 'driven away'. Please. He sounds awful. He choose words he knew would hurt you and has now backed them up by saying then in a 'softer' way.

Either he is thick, or shit, or maybe he is negging you.

"Negging, as it is called, is in essence a trick. The idea is to undermine a woman's confidence by making backhanded or snide remarks – give a compliment with one hand, and take away with the other. It is about control, putting the man in charge of the interaction by pushing the woman to earn his approval.25 May 2012
"Negging": the anatomy of a dating trend - New Statesman
www.newstatesman.com/blogs/voices/2012/05/negging-latest-dating-trend"

Do not be negged. Do not allow him to steal your joy. He is (I never say this) a cuntless bastard.

Address your real issues!

Why do you have no friends in real life to turn to? Address this, make good supportive friends, in the same kind of boat as you, i you are a single parent look for some fellow single parents you can share coffee and stories with.

Honestly, anyone who could jeopardize the relationship so blatantly does not deserve you.

Tara12 · 03/12/2017 12:29

PS. Please respect yourself and love yourself and see the GP if you are depressed. hugs. xxx

PantPlot · 03/12/2017 12:31

If this is how he sees acceptable to talk to you four months in, imagine how he'd feel entitled to treat you after a year.

Fuck that. Bin and be grateful at least that he showed you who he is at this early stage.

MsGameandWatching · 03/12/2017 12:31

Dump, this minute.

And in future do NOT tell new men you're seeing personal details about your marriage break up. A certain kind of person will use it as a stick to beat you with and I always feel that intimate details of previous relationships will always colour how your potential new partner sees you. It's dragging old baggage into something new and fresh.

Tara12 · 03/12/2017 12:31

I don't usually offer but you can PM me and I can give you some links and support. x

Wauden · 03/12/2017 12:34

Italiangreyhound - the link does not seem to work.

Original poster
Insanityinthesuburbs · 03/12/2017 12:35

oh wow - im welling up reading these. thanks all. Its hard to know whats normal anymore. Im trying to keep a lid on he sadness, but this really cut me. Ok - im meant to see him later. Off to draw some courage. Thank you all x

OP posts:
MissTeri · 03/12/2017 12:35

I could almost forgive the part he said in the heat of the moment but
He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.