Cannot get my head around this!

[Loveactuallyoctopus]

I just do not understand dp.

We've been together 5 years. 1 house, 1 baby.

If i mention marriage to him he says he will propose when he's "ready"

What is to be ready for? We live together we have a child ffs. His life is not going to change in any major way.

I dont get it. Does that mean, hes not ready to commit to me for potentially the rest of his life? Does it mean he just doesn't want to marry me but hasn't the balls to say it?

I have no idea because when I ask him all he can tell me is he's not ready. He can't tell me what exactly he's not ready for, though.

Im starting to get to the end of my tether with it. I dont know what to think.

Neither of us have been married before. His parents are together but their marriage is frankly the worst example he could have so maybe that's part of it.

God knows. Its just making me feel like hes not ready because I am not "the one" and he is waiting for her to come along.

Im not even sure what im trying to achieve with this thread im just wallowing in my own self pity

I was in exactly the same position as you OP.

It took me posting on MN and taking all the advice on board then telling him that I had waited long enough, it was a deal breaker for me and if he didn't propose or set a date by x time then we were over.

It might sound like I forced him etc etc but I was honest and reasonable in saying that marriage is something I wanted for me and I understood if he didn't but if he wanted to be with me then it was something I wasn't prepared to compromise on.

He did propose and we got married.

He told me that it was a couple of issues as to why he was putting it off. He dreaded the big day, like breaking out in a cold sweat dread, but felt he wanted to have his friends and family there if he was going to get married and didn't want to feel like he was letting them down if it was just a me and him type wedding so basically felt he had no other option but to have the full wedding which as I said made him really anxious and as we had been together so long at that point and were happy in our day to day life he didn't want to worry about putting himself through it.

It took me giving him the ultimatum to realise how important it was to me and that he actually might loose me.

I do want to say though that I was 100% willing to leave him if I had too, otherwise it is a dangerous game to play.

You know what? If he wanted to be married to you, he'd be married to you. No question. He doesn't want to marry you.

Ask him when he plans on moving out and explaining to his DC that mummy and daddy can no longer live together because daddy doesn't love mummy enough to spend the rest of his life with her and marry her.

What a horrible suggestion. Dragging a child into it in this way is textbook emotional manipulation.

His dad is controlling and abusive and he's seen it first hand. I think he is a bit worried we will end up like that - but there's absolutely no reason we will! Hes nothing like his dad.

I disagree.

He is controlling the issue of marriage, which is the most important and most emotionally sensitive issue for you.

He is in control. You\are in pain as a result. Sorry.

He's not fully committed as you say OP, he's paying lip service but not following through. foxysoxy a few posts up handled the situation well, try that approach. When a man keeps saying 'one day' in regard to getting married or having kids it usually means never.

A compromise of some sort needs to be reached not your DP controlling how long it'll take for him to be ready!
A discussion of "do you want to be married?"
"by x date I'd like to be married and what exactly is your timeline dp?"
"for legal, next of kin reasons and also commitment to our family unit. What's your thoughts on this?
" Let's sit down and work out a comprise as its important to me"
His parents marriage has nothing to do with him as that it theirs to sort out.

*compromise

Its a tricky one.

I always made it clear to my dh that I wouldn’t have children before marriage and I wouldn’t see a future with anyone who didn’t want to get married. (That’s just my opinion, no reflection on anyone who thinks differently!) He knew this from the beginning and (finally!) proposed after 4 years together, married 2 years later.

My friend has the opposite problem as her partner always made it clear that he never wanted to get married and she’s built future with him despite this. She sometimes she complains about it, but to be fair to him, he has always made his intentions clear.

The trouble here is that your partner has always said that marriage might be on the cards and you’re just waiting, which isn’t fair.

I’m not sure what the answer is, as you have now built a life with him, and especially with a child involved, but I think you need to think about if this is a make or break for you.

Could you continue for the rest of your life never being married?

If the answer is no, as awful as it sounds, put a time limit on it. If you’re not married within two years, for example, you may have to cut your losses. He’s obviously holding back for a reason though.

There’s no compromise between being married and not being married, there’s not half way house of part married.

“ We might get married in the future at some point when I feel like it “ is NOT a compromise. It’s being not married.

That’s what the OP has been putting up with for years.

Being engaged with no date set for the wedding is not a compromise. It’s still not being married.

Telling him to think about it for next Christmas is not a compromise. It’s still being not married.

It’s quite clear that her partner is not willing to shift on this. He has 101 reasons for not getting married as did many of the men upthread.

Because you mentioned it.
Because you didn’t mention it.
Because I don’t feel like it.
Because I know someone who had a shit marriage
Because I’m old fashioned and want to propose at the right time ( but not old fashioned enough not to have sex or live together or even have a child before marriage )

They all boil down to the same thing - they don’t WANT to get married to their partner.

The OP has been compromising for years - by living with him, having a child with him, giving the child his name - while they were not married.

I can’t believe those of you suggesting that if she compromises a bit more and never mentions it for a year then it will all just work out fine for her.

OP - I'm not sure him not proposing is a sign of him not loving you.

Perhaps its more that you both have different values and beliefs surrounding marriage.

To you it's a vital component and something that makes you feel valued and loved.

To him it's something completely different. Instead of talking about why he won't propose perhaps have a discussion about your differing belief systems. Find out what his core belief is about marriage. It'll probably be something along the lines that marriage is where you pretend to be happy and maybe he feels he has happiness with you now and doesn't want to risk that.

Once you've both discussed and understood each others core beliefs things might change.

Well I disagree that this shows him as controlling however, if OP was to give him an ultimatum then I would class that as controlling.

This is the same argument as when one wants children’s and one doesn’t. You can’t force them, unless you’re going to trick them into falling pregnant and pressure them by giving them an ultimatum. He may just not want to get married, he may just not be ready as he keeps saying, there’s nothing wrong that.

Just as you would if you were in a children/no children situation, you have to make a decision on what is important to you and if it’s important to you to get married then you either have to leave or take him at his word that he does want to marry you but just not yet.

I don’t get all these posters slagging him off, saying he’s controlling, he’s entitled to feel how he wants to feel about it just as the OP is. He is entitled to go at his own speed just as the OP is entitled to want things to happen her way. The compromise would be trusting him when he says he will propose when he’s ready, you’ll both get what you want then - your proposal and he’s done it when he doesn’t feel pressured and when he’s ready.

Sorry but he doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want to be your husband. I don't know why, or whether it's a good or bad reason, he just evidently doesn't want you to be his wife.

Unfortunately yes the op cannot control when he'll propose but she could start an actual discussion of a timeline of when her partner would feel comfortable marrying( not the notion of a proposal) ie he says: 5 years but she prefers within the year so the compromise could be is dp willing to bring it toward to 2 1/2 to 3 years from now etc.
He hasn't said no but he has left it to when he's ready without taking into account if op will be gone off the idea by then!

pacificly surely that’s up to him whether he wants to take that risk or not. He knows what the OP wants so if he’s happy to take the risk of her not waiting for him then that’s on him.

Pushing someone to put a timeline on it is just going to breed resentment from both parties - him because he will feel his hand is being forced - her because she will feel he is only proposing because she made him put a time on it when he probably doesn’t know when he’ll be ready.

I think OP just needs to make a decision and either accept it for what it is or leave.

I would personally do what one of the posters said and ask him to marry you. At least if he says no, then you will have your definitive answer and can take it from there. It is then up to you to decide if it is important enough for you to be a deal breaker. Another possibility is to book something like a holiday abroad and then excitedly say "lets get married, just the two of us and the baby and surprise everyone?". At least you could gauge by his reaction what his thoughts are, maybe he would happily do it if it was just you 3 as a family.

Stupid suggestion to show him this thread. He isn't willing to do what the mother of his child, and presumably the woman he loves, wants so why would he take notice of what a bunch of strangers said?

The people I was engaged too before dh never wanted to marry me either it turned out. They bought the ring, and in one case I bought the dress, but if a man really wants to marry you he will. Dh was shocked when I asked him, at the end of our first date, if he wanted to get married and have kids but no way was I wasting any more time with a man who didn't want what I did

the thing is, there is marriage & then there is divorce.
Forever is only a word,
I understand why OP wants to get married, & I think she is right to assume he doesn't love her enough, if he did, he would know how much it meant to her, the name, the commitment & all the admin issues.
I think she is right also, to worry that this will gnaw into her happiness.
So I would say to him, ^I understand you don't want to be pressurised, I can understand why you might be against marriage, there is nothing I can do about it, but it hurts me, it makes me feel like I am not important or loved enough, & that you are not proud & happy with me as your partner. You don't want me to share your & my baby's name.
Ultimately this situation will not go away, it is already making me unhappy. I don't want to wait, either you are prepared to commit to us as a family, or not.
So if its no, then I am not staying^ & mean it