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Original poster

Cannot get my head around this!

167 replies

Loveactuallyoctopus · 02/12/2017 22:17

I just do not understand dp.

We've been together 5 years. 1 house, 1 baby.

If i mention marriage to him he says he will propose when he's "ready"

What is to be ready for? We live together we have a child ffs. His life is not going to change in any major way.

I dont get it. Does that mean, hes not ready to commit to me for potentially the rest of his life? Does it mean he just doesn't want to marry me but hasn't the balls to say it?

I have no idea because when I ask him all he can tell me is he's not ready. He can't tell me what exactly he's not ready for, though.

Im starting to get to the end of my tether with it. I dont know what to think.

Neither of us have been married before. His parents are together but their marriage is frankly the worst example he could have so maybe that's part of it.

God knows. Its just making me feel like hes not ready because I am not "the one" and he is waiting for her to come along.

Im not even sure what im trying to achieve with this thread im just wallowing in my own self pity Wine

OP posts:
ferrier · 04/12/2017 07:45

You sound defeated op Flowers

I think you have two options left to you -

  1. forget about it - don't mention it again - try to make it unimportant to you

  2. one last conversation where you put it on the line how deeply unhappy it's making you and that actually it's a deal breaker and if you don't get married within an agreed timeframe you will be splitting.

DrMorbius · 04/12/2017 08:16

Op, what actually changes once you are married? What is it that you think you currently do not have that a marriage certificate will give you?

BiglyBadgers · 04/12/2017 08:36

I think that DrMorbius' question is an important one. If you are going to have a conversation with your dp again you need to be able to articulate clearly what it is you want and why it is important to you.

I wanted to get married in order to ensure the best protection for dd and DH should I die. The prospect of one of us ending up unconscious in hospital also played a part. When I spoke to dh about it I spoke to him about this situation and what would happen in regard to my pension, etc (I was the higher earned at the time). We discussed next of kin and pros and cons of marriage versus other options (there are other options of course). By making it a practical discussion focusing on what I needed to achieve it helped dh realise where I was coming from. He agreed that marriage was the simplest way of getting these things in place.

If your dp just thinks you want to get married for the sake of it than he won't see the reason for the urgency. Whether it is for practical reason or about a symbolic commitment I think this is what you need to discuss and also decide what you will do if he still won't give you something that will meet this need.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 08:41

For me, a big part of it is being legally next of kin. It would absolutely break my heart if anything happened to him, but not being able to make decisions for him about his care or worst case his funeral would be awful. I dont get on with his parents and they would almost certainly exclude me.

And obviously I'm not incredibly traditional but I'd like to be a "proper" family. I want to share the same name as them both. Please don't say just do it by deed poll because that's just desperate taking someone's name when they clearly don't want to give it to you.

I love him, i know I want to spend the rest of my life with him why wouldn't I want to marry him.

To be honest this thread has just made me doubt he even loves me at all.

OP posts:
BiglyBadgers · 04/12/2017 08:51

If you don't get on with his family than that is definitely even more reason to get married. You may think everything will just come to you if he dies, but if they raise objections you could find yourself in a really horrible situation. The same if he ends up unconscious in hospital and you want to make decisions about what happens.

There are things you can do. At the very least I would be insisting that either you get married very soon or he has to sit down with a professional and make sure you have wills, next of kin, pension rights and such like clear and sorted to reduce the chances of his family being able to cause issues. If you have a child this is about protecting them as much as you.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 04/12/2017 08:51

I was in a happy relationship with someone I loved very much.
He wanted marriage I wasn't sure, I just didn't ever want to be married.
We got married, I thought well it can't change anything too much can it?
I went along with it, I got married and within 3 years it was all over.
I never wanted it, I did it to keep him happy because I loved him.
I Instantly felt trapped and ultimately it ruined our relationship. Perhaps it would never have worked anyway but I just know that from my point of view it changed so much.

DrMorbius · 04/12/2017 08:53

For me your response a big part of it is being legally next of kin. It would absolutely break my heart if anything happened to him, but not being able to make decisions for him about his care or worst case his funeral would be awful. I dont get on with his parents and they would almost certainly exclude me is a perfect answer to my question.

If I were you I would read out your sentence (above) to your DP and then I would propose to him. One way or another you will get your answer.

To be honest marriage never bothered me, but it did bother my then GF. Any ambivalence/negativity I had was miniscule compared to my love for her. So we got married.

Boys123 · 04/12/2017 10:03

It's not the "going on about it" is the issue. It is the continuous conversations or arguments in which your concerns are never resolved and the outcome does not change. Marriage is important to you, but he is dragging his heels. The fact that you do not get along with his parents may be a more important to him than you think.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 11:39

He doesn't get on with them either so i doubt that's why he won't marry me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 11:45

confused can i ask why you felt trapped?

Surely a ltr and marriage aren't that different in terms of what you can and can't do?

Sorry I'm not trying to be snappy but on top of everything ds has given me a lovely throat infection so i am feeling particularly sorry for myself today!!

OP posts:
Iris65 · 04/12/2017 11:50

I dont understand what will be different other than my name?

Once you are married there is a whole lot of legal and financial changes. Lots of people in the UK believe that there is such a thing as a ‘common law’ wife or husband exists when there is no such thing.

Marriage confers a level of legal and financial security that is not available unless you want to spend a lot of time and money drawing up legally binding agreements with a solicitor.

BiglyBadgers · 04/12/2017 12:03

Marriage confers a level of legal and financial security that is not available unless you want to spend a lot of time and money drawing up legally binding agreements with a solicitor.

Absolutely this. If he won't marry you he absolutely has to be prepared to put the time and money into ensuring everything is as watertight as possible. Marriage is the cheaper and easiest option to be honest and this is the sole reason I got married. We literally just went and signed the bits of paper with no wedding or guests. It gives our relationship legal recognition that will be taken into account by other organisations or authorities both in the UK and abroad in the event of something bad happening.

You have a child together and you need to make sure your child is protected in the event of something happening to one of you. If you have no wills and are not married you are leaving the door open to his family claiming inheritance rights or next of kin decision making.

GnomeDePlume · 04/12/2017 12:39

Something which might be useful to set up in the mean time and might help focus your DP's attention are lasting powers of attorney. Cost is a couple of hundred pounds and easily done via www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 14:19

I've just briefly spoken to him he says he "just doesn't want to get married yet"

Youre all right. He doesn't love me does he.

OP posts:
Kr1st1na · 04/12/2017 14:30

not being able to make decisions for him about his care or worst case his funeral would be awful. I dont get on with his parents and they would almost certainly exclude me

I have a relative whose partner died very suddenly in their early 30s. They had been living together for 6 years , owned a house together etc. Unfortunately the person who died had not updated their will and in this their sister was the executor.

The family hated the partner and completely excluded her from everything. She had to ask the family for permission to see her partner’s body in the funeral parlour. She was even banned from attending the funeral until the undertaker intervened and asked the vicar to intercede with the family.

She was eventually allowed to attend in the end but their was no mentioned her or their relationship, not one single word. None of the family spoke to her at the funeral or acknowledged her presence in any way.

They took her to court over her share of the house and it took a lot of time and money to sort it out.

Kr1st1na · 04/12/2017 14:31

Sorry x posted.

I don’t know if anyone said he didn’t love you, did they ?

They just said he doesn’t want to marry you. Which he has confirmed.

I’m sorry .

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 14:40

No not in so many words.

Fuck. Now what.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 04/12/2017 14:47

If you can't be happy without marriage you have to leave.

I'm not saying it's easy but do you not want to be happy?

All your posts seem to say it's a deal breaker for you so you need to take some action.

ferrier · 04/12/2017 14:56

I really feel for you Flowers

You need to decide if it's a dealbreaker. If it isn't then really you should stop asking. He's given you the same answer several times. It's not likely to change.

If it's a dealbreaker you need to tell him that and see where it goes. And consider whether if you were to marry you would be happy knowing that dp hadn't really wanted to.

Kr1st1na · 04/12/2017 14:56

Now you have clarity , that’s got to be better than confusion.

You want different things and unfortunately there’s no compromise between ‘married and not married’. Same as ‘kids or no kids’.

One of you can’t get what you want. At least not if you stay together.

Sorry.

SonicBoomBoom · 04/12/2017 15:04

Now you have to decide if the relationship, as it is (taking into account that it's now "less good' because you know he doesn't want to marry you, and the resentment that will cause) is good enough to stay in.

Or whether you think the resentment will grow with each passing year, birthday, Christmas, anniversary... And every time you need to give your DS's name and then they call you Mrs X and you have to correct them and say "No, I'm Ms Y", and you'd be better calling it a day.

BiglyBadgers · 04/12/2017 15:04

I agree with the people above that you now have to decide whether it is a deal breaker for you.

If he's not prepared to discuss or try and mitigate the potential issues that would be caused due to you guys not being married I think that is a problem and it is a risk to you and your dc.

cheeseandpineapple · 04/12/2017 15:21

Op, I’ve been in your shoes. My husband did propose in the end and it was lovely but if he hadn’t and we had children pre marriage, this is what I would have done:

-reiterate why marriage is important to me and tell him I’m going to lay off the subject and leave the ball in his court for 6 months. And mean it!

-tell him that if you are in the same situation after 6 months, you will:

-organise to have your surname added to your son’s name by deed poll with your partner’s consent so at least you and your son share a family name, as having a common name with your family is key for you.

-evaluate whether you are still able to compromise on this point for him, as it will be clear to you by then that he cannot compromise for you if marriage is not on the cards by then.

-if you’re happy to continue compromising on this point and willing to give up on marriage, he must organise wills and any other legal formalities which allow you to be next of kin and make decisions for each other eg. as executors for each other and then can make decisions on funeral etc.

-if neither of you feels they can compromise on the marriage point, then you’ll have to make some tough decisions about your future. I would say this is not a threat, you’re just trying to be pragmatic and find a solution for this impasse, you’re confident you’re going to work this out because you love each other and your son and in the meantime you genuinely want that neither of you give this any further thought over Xmas and new year and just enjoy the festive season without any pressure on anyone.

I know this is easier said than done but really hope you can put the subject on hold as it becomes a vicious cycle, the more you push the more he pulls away. If you can truly leave it and let nature takes its course without picking at the scab, you’ll have your answer one way or another in a few months time.

It sounds like he’s committed to you OP but is being selfish and can’t have it all his way. If he doesn’t want to get married there are ways in which he can address some of the things that come with marriage so you can have reassurance in other ways.

StormTreader · 04/12/2017 15:28

To be honest, once a month about a topic youve already discussed so much would sound a bit pressured and forced to me as well. Do you want the tone of your marriage to be you pushing until he says "fine, we'll just do it so you'll stop asking about it!"

I would second what other people have said above: lay it out why its important to you and give a timescale - maybe end of June, or even next Christmas - where he can think about it. Either he proposes by then, or you'll have to leave him to find someone who will. Then dont mention it AT ALL again until that date. Give him some mental space to think about how he feels and what he wants without you trying to nudge him along.