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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cannot get my head around this!

167 replies

Loveactuallyoctopus · 02/12/2017 22:17

I just do not understand dp.

We've been together 5 years. 1 house, 1 baby.

If i mention marriage to him he says he will propose when he's "ready"

What is to be ready for? We live together we have a child ffs. His life is not going to change in any major way.

I dont get it. Does that mean, hes not ready to commit to me for potentially the rest of his life? Does it mean he just doesn't want to marry me but hasn't the balls to say it?

I have no idea because when I ask him all he can tell me is he's not ready. He can't tell me what exactly he's not ready for, though.

Im starting to get to the end of my tether with it. I dont know what to think.

Neither of us have been married before. His parents are together but their marriage is frankly the worst example he could have so maybe that's part of it.

God knows. Its just making me feel like hes not ready because I am not "the one" and he is waiting for her to come along.

Im not even sure what im trying to achieve with this thread im just wallowing in my own self pity Wine

OP posts:
ferando81 · 03/12/2017 10:27

He's keeping his options open.Is he likely to get a big inheritance?

bluescreen · 03/12/2017 10:31

Why does bold never frigging work right!!!

You have to put asterisks round each paragraph.

bluescreen · 03/12/2017 10:31

Why does bold never frigging work right!!!

You have to put asterisks round each paragraph.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 03/12/2017 10:32

As others have said, I would set a time limit. I was with my ex for 7 years. He wanted us to move in together and have children. I wanted to get married first. He told me he would propose in the summer....then it was Christmas. Etc etc. I told him that I would no longer be faithful to him, as we weren't committed. Still did nothing. I left for my own sanity. It was hard, he was a nice guy, we had been together a long time, but I ended up feeling like he thought I wasn't good enough. He is now in a long term relationship and has a child. Still not married, or wasn't last I heard. I met DH and have been married for 15 years. Save your sanity and self respect, and if it isn't happening move on with your life.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 10:35

ferando nope. Hes not likely to get a penny.

OP posts:
GreyMorning · 03/12/2017 10:38

My husband was like this, I stopped nagging and he proposed when he was ready and we married shortly afterwards, he just felt a lot of pressure to do it as he'd never even thought about marriage in his life before. Our first was nearly 3 years when we married. He felt that having a child with me showed more commitment than marriage.

DrMorbius · 03/12/2017 10:40

I dont get it. Does that mean, hes not ready to commit to me for potentially the rest of his life? Does it mean he just doesn't want to marry me but hasn't the balls to say it?

So to find out what he means you go on an internet forum and ask a bunch of random strangers Blush. Why don't you just ask him Op???

Though in fairness he has already told you the answer, he will marry when he is ready. Whether you or A n Other only time will tell.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 10:42

dr i hadnt thought about asking him Confused

Do you really think I haven't asked him? I've repeatedly said he can't or won't explain. Of course my first instinct was to bloody ask him!

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 03/12/2017 10:53

OK, another way. Ask him what he has against marriage and also what obstacles have to be removed for him to be ready.

To be fair he doesn't seem to have changed, it's you that's getting impatient Angry

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 11:00

I've asked him that! He says he has nothing against marriage and when I've asked whats stopping him he says he's not ready.

Yes youre right he hasn't changed but 5 years is not exactly rushing it. I'd say I'd been fairly patient to wait this long.

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 03/12/2017 11:12

I would say he wants to get married, just not to you.

In my experience if a man wants to marry, he'll propose. He won't faff around having children and buying a house all the time "not being ready" for marriage.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 11:25

But why would you buy a house and have a baby with someone you didn't even like?

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 03/12/2017 11:32

He probably does love you but not enough to what he probably sees as a lifetime commitment (houses can be sold, children grow up IYSWIM)

Peanutbuttercheese · 03/12/2017 11:35

So you have the better pension and are not planning on being a SAHM and are on a decent career trajectory.

If you think you will be the better earning partner then marriage isn't quite as important as if you were making yourself finacially vulnerable. There is the getting a widows pension and inheritance tax benefits to being married if he died to consider of course.

I had to be persuaded to marry and have dc by DH, I get the feeling that it's almost always the woman pushing so was a bit unusual..The reasons I needed persuading was because as soon as you do that you are a unit and need to consider others and I can honestly say I was too selfish and saw it as restrictive. Plus I knew my money even though I have seperate accounts would become legally entwined with another persons.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 11:35
Sad
OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 03/12/2017 11:38

Love. Nobody is saying that he's had a baby and bought a house with someone he didn't like. But something deep down is stopping him from marriage even though he knows it is so important to the woman he loves.

DH wouldn't have been that bothered but we got married because he knew it was important to me and that was enough for him. It was no skin off his nose. He wanted my happiness above all else. And he still does.

Your DP knows that marriage is very important to the woman he loves, who has shown her commitment by having his baby but he still digs in his heels. He won't show his commitment in return. Only he knows the answer why.

pigletpie29 · 03/12/2017 11:40

It's not fair to say he wants to get married eventually if he has no intention of doing it - that would piss me off.

My dp said from a couple of years in he wasn't keen on getting married. So I knew full well when we decided to have a baby that it probably wouldn't happen but that wasn't a deal breaker for me - we suit each other and I couldn't be bothered with the thought of having to start all over again with the clock ticking on early thirties. I used to quite want to get married but as I got older I cared less and now couldn't give a toss really. But I do think it's made me more blasé about the relationship than I would have been if we were married.

Even if it was important to me I don't think I would've left because of it now I have a child as it seems unfair. And threatening to leave because he won't marry would seem a bit like blackmail - I don't think I'd want someone to marry me in those circumstances. It's really not the be all and end all but I appreciate everyone feels differently about these things.

deepestdarkestperu · 03/12/2017 11:42

Nobody said that he doesn't like you.

But if he loves you and knows how important marriage is to you, why hasn't he proposed yet? Something is obviously stopping him - either he generally hates the idea of marriage (in which case, he should have made that clear from the start) or you're not the one he wants to spend his life with.

Only he knows which one it is. I think you need to sit down, speak to him and figure things out. But you do need to decide whether marriage (to someone) is more important than staying with him, and be prepared to walk away if the conversation doesn't go the way you want.

TammySwansonTwo · 03/12/2017 11:45

For me it would ring alarm bells about his feelings for me. He's not phobic of commitment because he's already made two much larger and more serious commitments IMO - buying a house and having a child - plus he says he has no issues with marriage itself. The only thing he seems to have commitment issues about is staying with you forever. I would have a serious problem with this, and I'd be telling him so. If his response was that he doesn't believe in marriage, never wants to get married etc that's one thing but "I'm not ready" is a ridiculous statement for someone who has a child and a house with you already.

Peanutbuttercheese · 03/12/2017 11:46

I gave in and married DH, after three proposals because I knew how much it meant to him. It was the right decision.

I know it's banged on about how marriage affords protection for women but I didn't need it for financial reasons.

GnomeDePlume · 03/12/2017 11:58

Do you have wills, named as beneficiaries on each others pensions? If not then get them in place ASAP. Do you own your home as tenants in common so that the property automatically reverts to the other partner?

If you don't have the above then you are both quite vulnerable.

Pacificly · 03/12/2017 11:59

So you get to fear him rejecting your proposal if you ask him but he's confident that you'll agree when he's ready ? Hmm

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 12:05

No wills as of yet but we've nothing to leave each other as of yet. Yes to pensions and yes tenants in common.

pacifically yes I guess so. If he leaves it too long maybe i will say no.

OP posts:
JackietheBackie · 03/12/2017 12:09

My OH was like this. We had children, I knew he loved me and was committed to our life together, I am the breadwinner so there was no financial issues. But just wasn't ready. When I looked at my reasons for wanting to be married the main one was that I wanted to feel safe and secure and like I was a choice that had been made. So I let it go. I didn't want to be married if I had to badger him into it. Eventually he did ask, we had a lovely little low key wedding and we are both happy. You can't change how he feels about it all. You can only change how you feel.

ijustwannadance · 03/12/2017 12:09

Why are you so desperate to marry though? You are able to support yourself so not vulnerable financially.
How often are you actually going on about it to him?

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