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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cannot get my head around this!

167 replies

Loveactuallyoctopus · 02/12/2017 22:17

I just do not understand dp.

We've been together 5 years. 1 house, 1 baby.

If i mention marriage to him he says he will propose when he's "ready"

What is to be ready for? We live together we have a child ffs. His life is not going to change in any major way.

I dont get it. Does that mean, hes not ready to commit to me for potentially the rest of his life? Does it mean he just doesn't want to marry me but hasn't the balls to say it?

I have no idea because when I ask him all he can tell me is he's not ready. He can't tell me what exactly he's not ready for, though.

Im starting to get to the end of my tether with it. I dont know what to think.

Neither of us have been married before. His parents are together but their marriage is frankly the worst example he could have so maybe that's part of it.

God knows. Its just making me feel like hes not ready because I am not "the one" and he is waiting for her to come along.

Im not even sure what im trying to achieve with this thread im just wallowing in my own self pity Wine

OP posts:
Kr1st1na · 04/12/2017 15:53

I disagree. Don’t negotiate about a proposal. A proposal or an Engagement give you no legal protection. If you want to be married ( and you think negotiation will work ) ,negotiate for a wedding date.

Op , so far you have done all the compromising and your partner has done none. Can you go on like this forever ?

Sausagerollers · 04/12/2017 16:41

Ask him when he plans on moving out and explaining to his DC that mummy and daddy can no longer live together because daddy doesn't love mummy enough to spend the rest of his life with her and marry her.

Ask him if he wants to spend this Christmas day 2017 or Christmas day 2018 with his DS as you'll be taking it in turns from this year onwards.
Ask him if he wants to do his 50% of childcare alternate weeks I.e. Mon to sun one week and then you have your DS Mon to sun the week after, or would alternate Fri to Thursdays work better.

Book an appointment with a solicitor and see how you can buy him out of your current property.

There's man out there who will want to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you, don't waste any more timeon this one who doesn't.

GnomeDePlume · 04/12/2017 16:52

I think a lot of people have a bit of an ‘is this it?’ stage in their 30s. How is he feeling about his job? Is he unsatisfied in it or is he hankering to do something different or more exciting?

What is getting married symbolic of for him? Does it symbolise him getting middle aged, getting staid? He has already done many of the 'big ticket' commitment things with you so what is different about getting married?

It sounds to me that the problem is in him not between you.

pumpkin93 · 04/12/2017 16:53

ask him how he will know he is ready. if he can't tell you then he is stringing you along and you then need to ask yourself are you willing to carry on in this relationship regardless.

ItsNachoCheese · 04/12/2017 17:08

Im sorry your going through this op Flowers

LetsSplashMummy · 04/12/2017 18:19

I think we are being really awful to the OP, the ideas he wants to meet someone more suitable, isn't that into her etc. There is no reason to think any if this. Could he just want to orchestrate a romantic proposal and when you bring it up, he postpones thinking you'll think he was pushed and life keeps getting in the way.

I'd give him a general time limit, "I hope we're engaged by next Christmas," and then leave it.

I have a very happily married friend whose partner kept putting it off because she once made a comment during a film about how romantic it was getting engaged in NY. He couldn't possibly do it that year (too obvious, no surprise) and had to save up. Total chump, but married 6yrs now (together 16)!

Bubba1234 · 04/12/2017 19:19

Maybe he is thinking of the expense of it all

BiglyBadgers · 04/12/2017 19:22

My marriage cost under £300 including a ring, new dress and lunch for the witnesses. Much cheaper than consulting a professional to get all the paper work sorted out in order to achieve the same security. The expense is not an issue unless he desperately wants a big wedding, in which case he should tell the op that so they can work it out together.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 19:49

It's not money. He isn't bothered for spending a lot. He's aware what we can and can't afford.

We've spoken again and now he says he doesn't want to ask me when I've mentioned it because he feels forced into it, which i do understand, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

He says we wants to spend his life with me, but i want him to want to marry me and I dont think he ever will.

No idea what im going to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 04/12/2017 19:52

I wouldn't like this, it would make me feel like I was OK for now, but maybe something better might come along.

I would do/say something along the lines of sausage

Kleokat · 04/12/2017 19:56

I am almost in exactly the same situation. Been with dp 5 years bought our house together and have a 5 month old baby. If I say anything about him proposing I get the same answer - he'll do it when he wants to do it basically.

From some things he's said I get the i.pression that he doesn't want to have to buy a ring...which is crazy because I would never want anything expensive anyway!! Bit he seems to resent having to spend any money on it. He's made quite a few comments about it to which I've replied I don't even need a ring that's not what's important to me.

I would like to get married to join our family properly - I have a different last name to dp and dd so would like us all to be the same. Dp just doesn't seem to get that it's not the ring I'm after Hmm

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 19:59

I'm not going to push him into leaving because that's not what I want, really.

This is why I am so torn. I love him (obviously or I wouldn't want to marry him!) And I love our family, and besides this rather large problem we dont really have any issues, which is bizarre really.

I just don't think this is something I'll ever get over. But how long is too long to wait. What if I leave and don't find someone else that i want to marry or who wants to marry me.

What if I don't leave and it never happens and i get to middle or old age and regret my entire life.

Its a really hard decision and one I dont want to make.

In terms of finding someone else there's not a time limit because I dont want any more children so its not an issue of time I guess. So do I just wait until he is "ready?"

To be fair, he had quite a long term relationship before and he never married her either.. but i never considered that a big deal. Lots of people have long term relationships and don't marry but go on to get married.

I just don't know

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 04/12/2017 20:01

What's to stop you asking Op/Kleokat? Why is it the man has to ask, its the 21st century FFS.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 20:01

Because I think he will say no and i don't want to be even more embarrassed /heart broken than I currently am..

OP posts:
GreyMorning · 04/12/2017 20:03

Also, what are his parents relationships like?

My parents have been happily married for 40 years, DH's parents are divorced and it was very messy. I think this clouded his view and I spent a lot of time reassuring him he's not his father and there is no reason our marriage wouldn't be happy.

I honestly don't think it's all doom and gloom, as I say, it worked out well for us and were happily married now.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 20:06

His parents are together but their relationship is shit. Well, not to the outside world. To the outside world it's fab.

His dad is controlling and abusive and he's seen it first hand. I think he is a bit worried we will end up like that - but there's absolutely no reason we will! Hes nothing like his dad thank god

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 04/12/2017 20:22

But you will be out of limbo.

BiglyBadgers · 04/12/2017 20:26

Have you asked him what he wants to happen if he dies or ends up in a serious accident and how he is going to ensure that his parents can't make a claim on assets or interfere in decision making? He could be in a car accident tomorrow and you could be left in a very serious position if you haven't got these things sorted.

GnomeDePlume · 04/12/2017 20:41

Have you told him quite clearly what you posted at 19.59? Not in bits and pieces but all together. I think it is quite eloquent and powerful.

This isn't something which is going to go away if you don't talk about it. Each 'when I'm ready comment' from him will be eroding your relationship. He runs the risk that by the time he is ready and it suits him that the relationship will be so eroded as to break with a too late proposal being the final blow.

DrMorbius · 04/12/2017 20:50

Why don't you show him this thread.

AdalindSchade · 04/12/2017 20:52

If you think he will say no then it's a conversation you need to have and not on his terms only!

HeckyPeck · 04/12/2017 21:53

Ask him when he plans on moving out and explaining to his DC that mummy and daddy can no longer live together because daddy doesn't love mummy enough to spend the rest of his life with her and marry her.

Would anyone really drag their kid into things and make them feel like crap just to prove a point?! Ridiculous suggestion!

I hope it works out OP. Maybe he's got a plan & wants it to be a surprise? Could you try not mentioning it for 6 months say? Then you'd know if he was delaying because you'd mentioned or not

deepestdarkestperu · 04/12/2017 22:28

I'm sorry OP but I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with someone like that. All he's doing is stringing you along - "I'm not ready", "When I'm ready" - but in the meantime, he expects you to wait for him and live in a state of limbo. That's really....just not nice.

He's made his position clear imo - he doesn't want to marry you. Either marriage isn't that important for you, or it's a dealbreaker and you move on.

cheeseandpineapple · 04/12/2017 22:46

How would he feel about making wills and naming you as each other’s executors and “next of kin” and changing your son’s family name to incorporate yours or replace his?

If he’s reluctant to do those things then I think you’ve got a bigger issue. If he’s ok with those then I think it’s not a commitment issue, it’s a difference in how commitment is symbolised.

scrabbler3 · 04/12/2017 23:02

You've been together for ages and have a DC, you're not a blushing ingenue. There's no need for a big proposal and there's no need for a bells-and-whistles wedding. You just need to pick a date and ring the registry office. I think you need to take control and tell him that you would like to book it for [date in early 2018] and ask him whether he has any objections. If he splutters about wanting to propose romantically in his own time, or being unready, I'd be very wary. Decent, loving people want the mothers/fathers of their children to feel happy and secure.