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Original poster

Cannot get my head around this!

167 replies

Loveactuallyoctopus · 02/12/2017 22:17

I just do not understand dp.

We've been together 5 years. 1 house, 1 baby.

If i mention marriage to him he says he will propose when he's "ready"

What is to be ready for? We live together we have a child ffs. His life is not going to change in any major way.

I dont get it. Does that mean, hes not ready to commit to me for potentially the rest of his life? Does it mean he just doesn't want to marry me but hasn't the balls to say it?

I have no idea because when I ask him all he can tell me is he's not ready. He can't tell me what exactly he's not ready for, though.

Im starting to get to the end of my tether with it. I dont know what to think.

Neither of us have been married before. His parents are together but their marriage is frankly the worst example he could have so maybe that's part of it.

God knows. Its just making me feel like hes not ready because I am not "the one" and he is waiting for her to come along.

Im not even sure what im trying to achieve with this thread im just wallowing in my own self pity Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 12:13

"Going on about it" is that what we are calling havinh a conversation now?

OP posts:
SnoozeTime · 03/12/2017 13:14

How old are you both? Even if you have been together for 5 years, there would be a big difference between making a commitment at 20 as opposed to making the commitment of marriage in his mid 20's or 30's. For some, it is a lot easier to walk away from someone they aren't marred to but have children with, than it is to walk away from a marriage (which is legally binding and will take a lot longer to get out of if it doesn't work out). It could be his parent's marriage is putting him off or maybe not. How is your relationship otherwise? Do you argue daily or is it rare to argue and not agree on stuff?

Going on about it" is that what we are calling having a conversation now?
To me, that isn't a conversation, it is a continuous argument where neither person is willing to change their mind and can rumble on for a long time with no change despite having the same discussion several times. The years can roll on with no change in circumstances. You have to decide how long more you are willing to wait.

ijustwannadance · 03/12/2017 13:47

Ok. How often are you 'having a conversation' about marriage? Because it sounds like it's one you keep having.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 13:48

Not that often once a month ish at most.. probably less than that to be honest. I didn't realise I shouldn't talk about something I want.

Im mid twenties he's mid 30s.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 03/12/2017 13:52

I think he’ll be less inclined to ask if you keep going on about it.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 13:58

I am hardly "going on" about it.

Its 2017 ffs are women not allowed to have a serious conversation with their long term partner about what they want for the future without being accused of fucking "Going on" about it.

You make it sound like i mention it every day!

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 03/12/2017 13:59

This is a tricky one. I don’t agree with those saying ‘it’s not just his decision’ - well, it absolutely is. The OP has decided she wants to be married, he has decided he doesn’t want to be married, neither of those decisions out weighs the other but the one wanting a positive action cannot force the one wanting the lack of action (or status quo) therefore you will remain not married.

I don’t think bringing it up once a month is helpful. You really need to just leave it alone as the convo just isn’t going anywhere.

offside · 03/12/2017 14:05

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to get married... in fact there’s a thread on here about why people get married and a lot posters are against marriage so I don’t think the name calling is fair.

Without trying to sound harsh, and just from my experience with friends, maybe he just doesn’t want to marry you. I have friends who were together for 14 years who flipped between never wanting to get married to they’re not ready. They split up and within two years she was married to someone else and a few years later he married. People used to say to them that maybe they’re just not with who they want to spend the rest of their lives with and they didn’t understand it, now they do.

Another friend of mine was adamant he would never get married, didn’t believe in it but would have children with his partner when the time was right for both of them. They split up after 7 years and within 3 years he was engaged and had a child on the way. He said he saw marriage completely differently with his new partner.

I could be completely wrong about your situation, and I hope I am, maybe he wants to be more financially stable, settled in his career (my sister-in-law rejected 3 proposals from my brother before she eventually said yes because she wanted to be settled in her career - they were together 17 years before they got married but met very young) or maybe he just doesn’t feel mature enough for marriage. We have a DD and are married and a lot of time I still feel I’m very young and can’t believe that I’m mature enough for parenthood and marriage (I’m 34!).

Whatever his reasons, I hope it all comes to a head either way soon for you.

MiniTheMinx · 03/12/2017 18:11

I'm always surprised by the number of people who believe having children is a bigger commitment than marriage. I disagree with this. Having children is a huge lifelong commitment to those children not necessarily to each other. This is proven by the number of marriages that end in divorce. When you divorce your commitment to the children continues.

Op you are not prying, no worries. I didn't cynically lead him to believe I'd eventually change my mind. I stated at the beginning that marriage was not going to happen. I was of an age and in good circumstances at the time to consider having children. He wanted me, I wanted children. It worked for 16 years. I could never have made vows which I consider to be binding unless I knew I really could fulfill that moral/legal obligation till death us do part bit. In truth I never thought I would meet someone that I'd love so much, and so selflessly that I would ever make the commitment.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 19:35

mini mmm that makes sense.

I think you're probably all right, its me.

No idea what to do now tbh.

OP posts:
ElephantsandTigers · 03/12/2017 19:45

If he said he never wanted to get married would you leave?

Previously I was engaged more than once. Didn't set a date or marry any of time. The ring was mean8ngless. Next one, proposed and insisted we set the date then and not for too long away. Nine months later, married. If they want to marry you, they make it happen. It feels controlling to say, when I'm ready. Like he's the prize and you can only have it if you're a good, quiet, compliant girl. Sadly, a child isnt the hold it should be. It's easier to walk away from a child than get a divorce for some men.

MrsGrindah · 03/12/2017 19:54

OP..he’s not being fair by not giving you an honest explanation but I do think you need to be prepared for the fact he might never marry you. You need to get good legal and financial advice if you stay with him though.You both need wills. You also realise that he’s not your next of kin legally though don’t you so need to think about what would happen if either of you fell ill etc . I don’t mean to be the voice of doom, just pointing out that even though House is in joint names etc. you are still vulnerable in some ways.

BiglyBadgers · 03/12/2017 20:07

You can't change how he feels about it all. You can only change how you feel.

I don't quite agree with this. My dh did not want to get married when we first got together. He was very open about it and clear about his reasons. After we had dd and bought a house together we talked it through. We talked a lot about the issues in his parents marriage and the idea of marriage in his head. We talked about the legal pros and cons of marriage and what marriage would mean to us. After a while we agreed together that we would get married in a way that suited us. He was genuinely happy to do it. If he hadn't wanted to I would have respected that because I understood his reasons and appreciated his openness.

If someone is willing to be honest and open than these things can be discussed. Minds can be changed on both sides and respect for each other retained. If my dh had carried on the way the op's is doing I would have found this upsetting and felt that he did not respect me enough talk about something that was important to me.

MiniTheMinx · 03/12/2017 20:27

Octopus I hope I'm wrong. I really do hope it works out for you. I would if I was you now in this situation have one good honest talk about it. Try to see if he has some reason he's anti marriage, but if it is as he says, a matter of time, all you can do is wait. Or not. But in having to wait you may find yourself less and less bothered. That's the time to walk. I disagree when others say go find someone who will marry you. You have a child and that is the greatest commitment. A commitment to try all you can to do the best for your child. If that means giving him time, then at least you have tried to give your child the stable family you wanted for them.

deepestdarkestperu · 03/12/2017 20:54

You have a child and that is the greatest commitment.

I don't agree with this. Anyone can have a child - it doesn't take planning and thought, or legal commitment to another adult. Yes, you're committed (well, most people are) to raise that child for life and to be the best parent you can be - but that has nothing to do with being in a relationship with the other parent. Plenty of people have great relationships with their children when they've never even dated their other parent.

I got shot down on another thread recently (under a NC I think), for saying that if a man wants to marry you, he'll propose and do whatever he can to make it happen, but I still stand by it. I know couples who were together years, had kids and the woman was desperate for a proposal - they split, and the men ended up happily married to other people within two years.

I also believe (maybe old-fashionably) that if you want to get married, then you need to make it clear from the outset and not enter into other commitments (children, mortgages) without getting legal protection first.

Moanyoldcow · 03/12/2017 20:58

This is very familiar. My mum was desperate to marry her long term partner and he refused the much the same sorts of reasons as your DP. It became moot anyway as she died after they'd been together 17 years depressed, unhappy and leaving chaos as she wasted the prime of her life with someone who didn't value her and her desires.

I'm NOT at all saying this is the sabe situation as it is for you but where it is similar is that she just waited instead of taking control of the situation.

If getting married is so important to you, you need to weight up if it matters more than the relationship. If it does, and if I were you, I'd have a hard deadline in my head, not bring it up again and just wait it out. He knows it's important and isn't doing anything so he just doesn't have the same values as you. To me that would be a deal breaker.

If you think hard and you can be happy with him without marriage, I'd again put it behind me and just carry on and be pleasantly surprised if you ever get a proposal.

My mum's shitty relationship was quite the eye opener and I decided from very early no marriage = no children.

NewLove · 03/12/2017 21:08

The thing with marriage is its foolish for a woman to have a child out of wedlock in case the relationship fails - usually a career sacrificed for the family and reduced earning potential that is only protected with marriage. But for a man it would be foolish to marry - if unmarried he pays child support only (the pittance that that is), if he marries he pays spousal support also. Unmarried you get half the equity in the house, married you get a higher percentage if you split. He's protecting his assets...

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 21:44

newlove he's got no assets that i dont jointly own ie the house. He's no savings or investments. Well he's a car but i cant drive it, so its no use nor ornament to me.

Ive not sacrificed my earning potential either and he doesnt earn loads more than me so i doubt I'd get any spousal maintenance if we were married anyway.

He'd have ds 50% of the time so no child maintenance either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 21:45

I dont know what I'd be happy with. Now im doubting whether ill ever be happy.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 04/12/2017 00:09

Deepestdarkestperu, I probably wasn't clear. I basically agree with you, plenty of people have children without even being in a relationship with the other parent. As regards commitment, well yes people have children without consciously thinking about it, but you do have legal and moral responsibility for a child.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/12/2017 00:15

Are you planning on a sibling for your DS?

If so, tell him (once you are pregnant) that in order for things to be fair, this baby will have your surname.

Unless of course you are married by the time s/he arrives.

🙂

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 06:34

Nope definitely no more babies.

Tbh no more big commitments from me at all.

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TammySwansonTwo · 04/12/2017 07:01

Didn't realise he was mid 30s. If he's not ready to marry you by then I doubt he ever will be, that is assuming he's telling the truth and it is just not being ready. I think you need to decide whether you're okay with that, and figure out the likelihood of him staying with you despite not being married.

Can't believe anyone would say marriage is a bigger commitment than kids - if you want to end a marriage you can walk away from it completely and have no financial or other commitments to each other. With a child, assuming he's not a complete lowlife who will disappear, you have ties and dealings with that person forever.

SonicBoomBoom · 04/12/2017 07:12

Did you both decide from the outset you wanted only one DC, or are you saying that now because of the situation?

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 04/12/2017 07:31

Nope I've only ever wanted one. Hes never mentioned having any more either.

OP posts: