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Original poster

Cannot get my head around this!

167 replies

Loveactuallyoctopus · 02/12/2017 22:17

I just do not understand dp.

We've been together 5 years. 1 house, 1 baby.

If i mention marriage to him he says he will propose when he's "ready"

What is to be ready for? We live together we have a child ffs. His life is not going to change in any major way.

I dont get it. Does that mean, hes not ready to commit to me for potentially the rest of his life? Does it mean he just doesn't want to marry me but hasn't the balls to say it?

I have no idea because when I ask him all he can tell me is he's not ready. He can't tell me what exactly he's not ready for, though.

Im starting to get to the end of my tether with it. I dont know what to think.

Neither of us have been married before. His parents are together but their marriage is frankly the worst example he could have so maybe that's part of it.

God knows. Its just making me feel like hes not ready because I am not "the one" and he is waiting for her to come along.

Im not even sure what im trying to achieve with this thread im just wallowing in my own self pity Wine

OP posts:
Kr1st1na · 03/12/2017 09:06

He doesn’t want to marry you. I’m sorry but it’s that simple.

He might not “ be ready” for marriage. But are you ready to stay with someone who won’t marry you ? It’s not all about him, you have choices too.

BackInTheRoom · 03/12/2017 09:07

Sounds like he won't give you the reasons because the truth will hurt you OP?

AlternativeTentacle · 03/12/2017 09:09

If you asked him to marry you and he said no, would that be the end of the relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2017 09:15

You need to talk to him once more and pin him down on exactly why he does not want to marry you now (because that is basically what he is saying). It may well be that you are his "she will do for now" woman till someone else comes along. All this "I'm not ready" stuff from him is BS and he knows it, its another version of the carrot and stick approach. He has everything he wants and his child likely carries his surname to boot so why should he marry you at all. You've surrendered a lot of power to him and he knows that too. If he really did want to marry you he would move heaven and earth to do so and not give you this I'm not ready shtick.

I would show him loss, what life would be like for him without you and your child in it day to day.

BrutusMcDogface · 03/12/2017 09:22

I've been with my dp 13 years and he keeps saying we'll get married "one day". Hmm

SlideAway82 · 03/12/2017 09:26

My DH kept saying 'when he's ready' and then he just proposed completely out of the blue. He said he wanted to do it because HE wanted to do it and not because I'd nagged him. I was of the same thought as you 'Will this EVER happen?' but I just needed to be patient.

(To be fair I did have a date in my head thinking 'if he hasn't done it by then......' but not exactly sure what I would've done, ha!)

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 09:26

If you feel that for all intent purposes that marriage won't alter a thing, and that is your line of argument, then it makes no sense. It's illogical

I wouldn't say it's my argument. Its just one reason why I dont understand his hesitation. Does marriage change everything? How? I'm not expecting our relationship to change I suppose I just want things to be official. Hes committed to our mortgage lender, to our child so why shouldn't he commit to me as well?

*I had DC's with ex and for all intents purposes I was totally committed for 16 years. He wanted marriage, I did not. I never had any intention of marrying him. No amount of discussion altered that. I was never prepared to lie to the world of make a legally binding oath in front of witnesses, to something I wasn't going to uphold forever.

I'm now with DP and we plan to get married*

Why didn't you want to marry the first one? Did you know he wasn't the one? Why did you have kids if you knew that?

I dont want to be intrusive I just want to understand the mind set. I personally could not do that to someone. Was your ex not devastated on learning you fobbed him off for years and now you're suddenly ok with marriage?

*He doesn’t want to marry you. I’m sorry but it’s that simple.

He might not “ be ready” for marriage. But are you ready to stay with someone who won’t marry you ? It’s not all about him, you have choices too*

Youre probably right though he's never flat out said he doesnt want to get married.

No, I'm not really but I'm also not ready to up root my entire life and my childs over one thing when otherwise everything is good.

If you asked him to marry you and he said no, would that be the end of the relationship?

Eventually probably yes. I dont think id see him in the same way. I'd just assume he didnt love me and as much as I'd probably try and get over it I dont think it could ever work long term because I'd be (and probably already am) quite resentful.

I would show him loss, what life would be like for him without you and your child in it day to day

Well if I'm not the one for him I don't think he'd be bothered I left so id only be hurting myself. I wouldn't be taking my child away from him either he'd have him 50% of the time so id be losing out exactly the same as he would! I don't believe in using children as bargaining tools though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 09:27

Why does bold never frigging work right!!!

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 03/12/2017 09:34

In my opinion, it's dishonest to say he's not ready to commit a life with you if he was the one suggesting having a baby. You shouldn't be able to commit to having a child with your gf, but not ready to marry her, since that's a much bigger change and commitment. This rings alarm bells for me tbh.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 09:34

In what way?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 03/12/2017 09:35

In your shoes I'd probably pick a date in my own mind by which you'd like a proposal and not say another word. Don't tell him the date.

Then if he hasn't proposed by that date I'd seriously consider my future

Worriedrose · 03/12/2017 09:36

I think you just have to get the honest truth out of him
And perhaps tell him that you think this nagging doubt will just lead to resentment.

Mine did this, right up until I left him and then he begged me to marry him, too little too late. But there were MANY more issues!

Can you ask him to write you a letter explaining things? And you to him. Then it won't feel so fraught and confrontational.

You both need to be able to talk honestly about all things or it will erode your relationship

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2017 09:38

I would show him loss, what life would be like for him without you and your child in it day to day

What I meant was if you are not at all around it may well concentrate his mind some more rather than simply continue with his I'm not ready comment. Its certainly not about anything else.

He has made a financial commitment to the mortgage lender but that can change at any time. People do not always stay with the same mortgage company for years on end. I would also argue whether he has actually properly committed to his child if he cannot or will not make a commitment to you as this child's mother by marriage. I would think that your child carries his surname.

whiteroseredrose · 03/12/2017 09:38

In my case Loveactually with now DH I explained that if he wanted me he had to marry me. After a couple of years I gave him an ultimatum. Have a think about what he wanted. No rush, he had nearly a year to decide, but if he didn't want to marry me I'd be off because I'd know he didn't love me enough. He proposed within 3 months.

AlternativeTentacle · 03/12/2017 09:40

Eventually probably yes. I dont think id see him in the same way. I'd just assume he didnt love me and as much as I'd probably try and get over it I dont think it could ever work long term because I'd be (and probably already am) quite resentful.

So ask him and if he says no then you have your answer. And you can spend time finding someone who does want the same things as you.

Myneighboursnorlax · 03/12/2017 09:45

Is it marriage he doesn’t want? Or a wedding? My DH wanted to be married, but the idea of a wedding terrified him. He was anxious about being centre of attention, and worried about having all our family together in one room, etc.

C0untDucku1a · 03/12/2017 09:53

I do know personally over the years a number of women in relationships for many many years, two for ten! No hint of marriage. Then one day, all these cases anyway, man meets someone he does want to marry, leaves the long term gf and marries the new one what i would consider very quickly. (About a year).

Id would make me very wary that they just didnt want to marry me.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 09:54

Yes ds has his surname. I dont see that his is not comitted to him because we're not married. He'd still have a son if we split up.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 03/12/2017 09:55

Does he know that it's important to you? Have you had a proper conversation with him? It could be something as simple as he doesn't want a big wedding. Just ask him.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 09:55

count yes I suppose that's what im worried about

OP posts:
Adviceplease360 · 03/12/2017 10:04

I do know personally over the years a number of women in relationships for many many years, two for ten! No hint of marriage. Then one day, all these cases anyway, man meets someone he does want to marry, leaves the long term gf and marries the new one

This. Happens more frequently than you'd think, often because the wife won't see anything less than marriage as commitment, so he has to propose or move on. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free comes to mind.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 10:09

It can't be the wedding because I've suggested just the two of us going to the registry office or abroad or whatever. No difference.

Ive told him it's important to me. He says he understands and will do it.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 03/12/2017 10:09

If you split up op most likely is he would have a son every other weekend. Realistically he will be back to having a single life. You would have the singlePARENT life.

AdalindSchade · 03/12/2017 10:17

He said he wanted to do it because HE wanted to do it and not because I'd nagged him

This is so much bullshit. Why should a huge, life changing decision for BOTH of you be dependent on when the man is ready but not the woman?

OP you need to lay your cards on the table. You want to get married for xy and z reason. You need to know if he feels the same. If he doesn't want to get married ever then you have some hard conversations to have.

Original poster
Loveactuallyoctopus · 03/12/2017 10:20

No count he'd be having him 50% of the time.

OP posts:
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