My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

[Evelyn29]

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

"I wouldn't view anything aggressive. Or violent. I don't actually use porn at all but I don't think we should judge people who do."

Why not? I am more than happy to judge anyone who is so keen to watch a woman being penetrated that they don't care whether or not that woman is being exploited, or raped or has been trafficked....

Yes - I do just want to live my life.

I do not it donate all my unused food to feed the hungry. I do buy milk that cows are screaming for. I do buy cheeply made goods. I do wear leather.
I don’t eat meat, but it for ethical reasons - so that doesn’t count.
I do not volunteer at shelters of any sort. Or move around the world to help people less fortunate than me.

The plight of women in the sex industry is just not as high on my agenda. In fact, it’s not on it at all.

I have made peace with the fact that this is an imperfect world and an imperfect me lives in it.

And, as much as I try not to judge others, and live them to their convictions and life-philosophies - any sort of extremes, orthodoxies - or raging if any sort, on any matter - makes me want to judge them.
But - as per see above - since i accept imperfections as normal - it’s Ok.

I take it you have a lot of experience in the industry then? It is not naive and I said everyone I know in the industry there is no one who is being exploited and I have been doing it for going on 10 years.

Yes a very rich happy hooker. You lose credibility by using insults and aggression. You are beginning to sound bitter.

I just don't think it's my place to judge anyone. I think to each his own.

How can you possibly know that every single sexual act every performed for the viewing pleasure of others was a result of coercion or addiction or aggression? You can't!

The one poster who has offered her experience of the industry has been shot down by you, how do you know if she is genuine or not?

Believe it or not, I do listen to your arguments. I understand your points of view. I would deeply sympathise with anyone who does fit in to the category of 'forced' into sex work but not everybody does.

Again, this is not what the thread was about. But I do feel as though my opinion is as valid as yours.

I do not condone violence of any sort.

I would not support any trade that knowingly exploits anyone.

Not all porn is BDSM and 'fisting' as I believe most people would find that repulsive, some is just sex. Sex between two consensual adults who are making money. That is why I don't feel as though I am in a position to judge those who enjoy it. I don't think any of us are

"The plight of women in the sex industry is just not as high on my agenda. In fact, it’s not on it at all."

Blimey. That's practicallly sociopathic!

I don't personally have an issue with porn as long as it doesn't affect our sex life in anyway. I watch it from time to time myself. We are careful about what we watch though - porn made by a pornstar called Gianna Michaels who directs her own videos. I also don't look down my nose at anyone in the industry. Good on them if they have chosen to do it, enjoy it and are earning lots.

@Josuk

That's convenient. You're not the one who has to suffer through the pain of providing men with their wank material, so what does it matter right? You just live your cozy littly life knowing that other women are paying the price for you sticking your head in the sand.

maddie I know a really lovely woman who has been on the industry as long. She is older than me but we get on really well, she is down to Earth and funny and really kind. And loaded!!!

She works predominantly with men with disabilities. Many that are house bound. She provides this service to men who would otherwise not experience it and she is paid well for it. Sadly, we live in a small rural community and everyone knows her and most people shun her for what she does and call her things like 'disgusting' and 'dangerous'. Which I find really upsetting for her.

She enjoys what she does. She's done it a long time. It makes her good money and she's happy and healthy and a good person. So are the people paying her. It is meeting a need. I just don't see the problem here

" I also don't look down my nose at anyone in the industry."

Neither do I. I reserve that for people who use it.

Hollowtree: this is the issue many sex workers have unfortunately. I had a neighbour who made my life a living hell, threatened me in front of my children etc. Police involved many times and she was eventually arrested. So many people have this sort of attitude though.

Everyone will have a view on the sex industry. I did before I worked in it and that's the truth. It's not all darkness and abuse though I am sure it goes on in fact I am positive of it. More mainstream porn with well known producers etc have to work to very strict rules. I have never worked with backstreet producers so I don't know how they operate. I do know everyone I have met in all these years that they are all happy, healthy, polite and kind. It is what it is, there is a demand for it and there re many people happy to supply it. Like anything it will attract some not very nice people too but how they can monitor this I don't know.

OP, I would be pissed off about the lying too, if you had discussed it and agreed porn didn't have a place in your relationship especially. The new things in bed - almost definitely porn related. Stop performing and sending pics for him or you may find that plastered all over the internet.

I used to be unconcerned about porn, did not care either way and watched it occasionally alone or with partner (though admittedly it did not do much for me - my imagination is just fine!).

Having been married to porn addict (which escalated to other things), I have changed my views. Since watching lots of documentaries, I have changed my views. Since having a teenage son who appears to now have little respect for women (I found porn on his phone aged 9 - I didn't even agree with phones at that age his Dad got him it!!)

The amount of teenage boys addicted is horrific (just look at NoFap, and to the OP stating that teenage issues have nothing to do with 'adult' porn use, those teens will be adults, a whole generation of adults who grew up seeing porn and who have unrealistic expectations of sex.

Porn should not be free to access, you should have to pay with a credit card to prove age at the very least.

Unless most of your are living in shacks on bread and water and on a daily basis fighting this world injustices - I do think that judging others based on their choices is pretty hypocritical.

Yes - I do feel that the destruction of the environment is a bigger issues than porn watching.
Hunger, famine, deseases.

Truly, a sociopathic way of looking at world.

It, maybe, just maybe - it’s not as important what men and women wank to.

I've always watched porn, long before DH, and after discussions at many workplaces, the majority of women do too, and most of them were single

So when you say 'long before DH' you mean when you were a 14-16 yr old(!), and when you say 'after discussions at many workplaces...'(!) you mean you've chatted about it in the 4 shops you've worked in?

Ri-iight.

As for, DH and I were together for nearly a year and half before we lost our virginities together, so no, it hasn't affected me

Eh? Can you elaborate?

"Sometimes you have to admit that you care about your pleasure more than the negative implications it might have on others that you don't know."

That's where we differ because I could NEVER get sexually aroused knowing there was a good chance that one of the people I'm watching is suffering. You may think your attitude is healthy. It isn't.

maddie you work in the sex industry and you don't know a single other sex worker being exploited? Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

It's amazing how many ex porn stars say they perpetuated the myth that they loved their job, and yet people still take this as gospel.

And if the above links weren't enough, here are a metric tonne of personal accounts of people who've suffered as a result of porn - performers, users, partners of users.

You can bang on about other people's lack of moral superiority as much as you want, but if you are a consumer of this industry you are directly contributing to people being harmed, and to inherently negative social attitudes towards women. And for what, so you can ensure you don't starve to death or so you can clothe your children? Nope, so you can enjoy masturbation a little more than you would without it. What a worthwhile cause /eyeroll

www.antipornography.org/harm_stories.html#170112

tammy she has specified that she is commenting on the production teams she has worked with, and confesses not to know about others.

Tammy you aren't changing anyone's mind you know I am still going to watch it. The same as how people know the miserable and painful lives and deaths animals go through in the meat industry, but they still eat burgers! That's life. I like the visual aspect of porn. It's harder to masturbate without it, that's like trying to imagine a movie instead of going to the cinema. I need to SEE something (or hear it) to be aroused. That isn't uncommon.

"Tammy you aren't changing anyone's mind you know confused I am still going to watch it. The same as how people know the miserable and painful lives and deaths animals go through in the meat industry, but they still eat burgers! That's life."

I don't know about Tammy, but it seems to me that the paragraph I have just c&p would put more decenct people off porn than anything she or I could say.

Look, the poor woman can't have an orgasm without it, leave her alone.

You can't have an orgasm without open, and yet it's perfectly harmless stuff?

Brilliant.

And no, I don't expect anyone who literally cares more about their own orgasm than other people's suffering to change their minds - because people who think that way are probably beyond help, to be honest.

Plenty of people change their minds about porn once they understand the realities of the industry and the effect it has on individuals and on society, but those people tend to have some form of a conscience. You're quite happy to admit you don't, that's your prerogative.

I agree with @Nancy91
Horrible things happen in all industry's. Animals are killed in Inhumane ways in some of the meat industry, children are exploited in third world countries for the clothing industry, animals are tested on for the cleaning and makeup industry, sexism, ageism, racism and bullying happens in pretty much every other industry. Should we just boycott everything and live in a shack?! Yes, there are highly unpleasant things going on in the sex industry, but there are also happy people working in it too. And it doesn't take a rocket science to find some porn to watch that involves consenting adults. Gianna Michaels for example - a porn star who directs and stars in her own videos and has made millions. What's the harm in watching her stuff? And she's just one of thousands like that. I don't just watch any old crap on the internet and get my rocks off to it

Horrible things happen in all industry's. Animals are killed in Inhumane ways in some of the meat industry, children are exploited in third world countries for the clothing industry, animals are tested on for the cleaning and makeup industry, sexism, ageism, racism and bullying happens in pretty much every other industry.

Food, Clothing and medicine (not just makeup is tested on animals!) are needed though and society does try to deal with the issues you mentioned, porn to wank over is really not a necessity.

Jayne - you are really arguing that’s because you like to eat stake as often as you do - and have as much clothes as you can stuff into your closet - all of these things don’t matter????
Most of the western comforts and preferences are NOT necessities.

Look at how people live in North Korea, or how it used to be in the USSR - there a central agency decided how many, say, shoes - were needed (=‘necessary’) per adult per year.
And it’s not what you now consider you want to consume.

Since we are talking in terms of utilities of the stuff you are happy to consume - let’s consider all of it.
Not just wanking....