Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

I think we've heard enough now from the Professor of Exclamations! at the University of Somewhere.

Maybe draw a diagram of his work hierarchy, ask him who his equals (and his subordinates) are in that hierarchy. Then get him to add his friends on it as well. Then ask him where he puts you.
That might open his eyes a bit.

I like the idea custard, but he knows the correct answer would be on a level with him, which is where he'll pencil me in...*

So then you tell him that he needs to treat YOU as he himself expects to be treated and remember that he IS in that position because YOU gave up YOUR life.

So... if anything, HE should be on a LOWER rung than you.

I'm with Window
I have been divorced for 8 years ,literally no relatives in this country,Exh moved away to different city and I still managed to work full time and to build up a fairly successful carrier(even worked overtime from time to time) ..Maybe I didn't have a choice BUT to be successful?
Kids are older now and don't require childcare but when they were younger it was crucial to have good relationship with my childminder so she can help me out .We are friends by this day...

Window I do think that your original post was nasty and the Op's DH is at fault and not her for not being 'interesting' enough. If she was a mathematician would this situation never of happened?!

Interestingly I think you have some good points deep down in your posts! You like equality and you don't think a woman should give up her career to solely facilitate a man. I agree on both points but lots of your posts smack of 'I can do it - therefore you can do it'. Everyone has a unique family setup and dynamic.

My situation is fairly equal. DH is a doctor and works shifts - I work a compressed week of 4 days. Nursery 3 days. Therefore we have one day each of midweek parenting. We have a back up of a grandparent who will travel. We both earn roughly the same. I am the most flexible but on other days I work very early or very late to compensate.

I don't think this is useful to the OP who was in a completely different situation to me. If DH worked abroad etc our setup wouldn't work.

OP - I feel for you and think you need to give yourself X months to work on your marriage and make sure your DH knows that. If after this time there is no improvement I would seriously consider leaving as you deserve the utmost respect from a 'partner' regardless if you are a SAHP or a cleaner or a mathematician. :)

In my DH's field, in the UK, Canada, and the US, there are zero people at the top level who have children who don't have a spouse who put their career on the back burner to raise the children. No 50:50 couples make it to the top levels. Mostly men (with supportive wives) make it to the top, and a few women who don't have children. I've only know of 1 woman with children who rose highly, and her husband played the same role in their family that I play in mine.

50:50 couples are possible as long as they stay low down in the org chart. But leaving at set times, taking off for a sick child, not dropping everything to get on a plane to sort out a problem is not promotable behavior in his field. It just isn't. If someone does it half the time because their spouse does it the other half, then neither spouse will promote.

I honestly had NO idea what I was getting myself into when I married my husband and had 2 kids with him. The early decisions that started us down this path I did not see for what they were. I'm a boiled frog, and was in a hell of mess before I realized how small choices had added and played out over the years. Then came the "when is it enough" fights. If I had gotten my way, my DH would have stayed at lower levels. In some ways, his success represents fights I lost.

The majority of marriages at this level end because the wives leave. Sometimes, that's the only option, as shown by so many posts by so many different posters here.

To try to sort out if there is another option of actually making the marriage work is a reasonable question. To process the emotions involved if there isn't an option other than divorce. To come to a place of acceptance over the years lost and not appreciated.

No. My DP has climbed up the ladder even though he has never been to uni and nearly everyone in his field has. He listens to me moan and whinge about my office all day but only sometimes tells me about his and he doesn't treat me badly or act like he's better than me although he earns more than half I do. We have grown up together and he knows how proud I am of him.

Wow. It's taken me all day (on & off) to read the whole thread.

I can't put into words my reaction to window. I envisage a privileged, high-horse-riding, rose-tinted-glasses-wearing woman with a spreadsheet that sums up her life by money. I am equally incredulous of you and sorry for you. I enjoy living in the real world. You should visit it sometime.

My husband quit his job to be a sahp. He didn't want to but it made sense for our family. I work ft. We looked at all the options in between before making the final decision. It came down to finances and the mental health and well-being of our children. We made that decision together. The money that comes into our family is family money. I very much value what he's sacrificed for all of us and the effort he puts in every single day to make my life easier. I'd have done the same thing for him in a heartbeat. But I earn 6x more than him.

We are only unusual because it's the woman earning more. That's to the sodding patriarchy men do earn more, especially after children (they actually get more for being a father when women get less for being mothers).

Fitbit. In your position I would gather as much information as possible (finances, solicitor advice) and I would pursue counselling alone and with my husband. I'd use the counselling to point out what a bellend he's being and how that makes me feel. I'd then watch his reaction and behaviour. If it improved I'd set a timeframe to review if it's slipped back into old, crappy habits. And if it did I would tell him: you've slipped. I'm now planning to leave. And then I'd start planning to leave. I'd be really bloody obvious about it. If that wasn't enough to shake him then I'd go through with leaving him.

Your wife / husband should have your utmost respect. If they don't you're with the wrong person.

I envisage a privileged, high-horse-riding, rose-tinted-glasses-wearing woman with a spreadsheet that sums up her life by money.
I'm neither of the things described above but still managed to have a good ft job and carrier,and even being more disadvantaged then most. Being single parent with no family support hardly is privilege! If a single parent can do it,how come a person who's husband is abroad for 6 months can't? Assuming he's also sending money home while abroad ..
I will back window on If I can do it then everyone can!

If a single parent can do it,how come a person who's husband is abroad for 6 months can't?
The only single person I have ever come across in my old career has one older, independent child rather than two younger dependent ones, and assistance from grandparents. Completely different situations. Why is that difficult to understand?
Thx to those still commenting on the original OP, rather than the farce window started, which seems to be a specific type of female bashing. Shame on you window, if you are a genuine working woman. I have my doubts, because you don't sound intelligent enough to have achieved your lofty heights of academia, tbh!

OP you might be interested in this thread in FWR about men whose careers are facilitated by women:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3082251-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-how-did-this-happen

window I really can't get what you're talking about. Your children must be very young if they are in bed by 7.30pm. You're presumably parenting in the morning and for 1.5 hours in the evening. I don't know anyone who works in law, finance, consulting or senior execs in companies who can leave the office at 6pm reliably unless they have taken a career step back into a support role. The only couples I know who both work full on (i.e. partners in law firms, senior execs) have two nannies when the kids are young then send them to board.

How are you going to manage after school activities and helping the kids with homework? They don't go to bed at 7.30pm for long.

Well done you if you can manage this (yet to be seen) but not everyone can or wants to do this. It is exhausting even if your DH does an even split of getting home, which will likely mean both careers will suffer. At that level, one person in a senior position can make more than twice as much money as two people in mid level positions and there will always be a person, almost always a man, whose working life is facilitated by a woman at home so he can do everything he needs to get that senior position.

Jeez, Fitbit. You don't get a free pass to just keep saying horrible things. Why on earth would I lie about my job? Believe it or not, many women with children are successful. Please stop lashing out at us and disbelieving us. I'm sorry that you feel that your life hasn't worked out. But that's not our fault. And it's not impossible for you to turn it around. Lots of us manage. We're not some strange unicorns!

Jeez, Fitbit. You don't get a free pass to just keep saying horrible things
But you do? Jog on.

It seems strange to me that everyone commenting on this thread seems to only know people who are in the office every evening until 8 or 9 pm. That just doesn't stand up. Lots of people with careers leave by 6 most nights, working late a few evenings a week.

Fitbit, no, I don't! I haven't tried to be horrible to you at all! You have been very aggressive towards me, and the bratty behaviour is inexcusable. You seem to think you get a free pass to lash out, play the martyr card, blame everyone else for your failures. Some self-reflection might serve you well. You don't get to behave like this.

The only single person I have ever come across in my old career has one older, independent child rather than two younger dependent ones
I have done it with 2 dependent children of primary school age, alone..
If you dont believe what people say on MN and only believe what you seen in rk,why are you seeking opinion on this forum?
Or is the opinion welcome only when it doesn't contradict yours?

Teens - you have the exact same old career as Fitbit?

Not sure what carier she has but i work in financial industry..few posters mentioned this industry as impossible for work-life balance!

teens of course I believe what ppl say, but windows is insisting that I (and others) could continue in certain circumstances, which we (who lived it) all knew we couldn't. That is deliberate ignorance. Walk a mile in someone's shoes before judging them, as the saying goes. If her way works for her, and yours for you, that's fine. It doesn't work for everyone in every circumstance. What career are you in, btw? Does it match my circumstances in every way?

Fitbit, but at what point do you stop making excuses? It's really not impossible to make two careers work. I promise you that giving up your career wasn't the only solution.

of course I believe what people say

I would really appreciate an apology then, for questioning the veracity of my career.

If a single parent can do it,how come a person who's husband is abroad for 6 months can't?

My DH's job has regularly moved us, meaning that chunks of my life were about moving, getting things set up in a city, helping the children transition, starting to settle into my own things, and then moving again and starting the process again. Not staying in one place long enough for me to build up a support system. Those moves were key to him moving up and to developing his network.

Had I simply stayed in one place without him, I would have put together a support system that would have allowed me to develop my own interests / career/ etc.

Part of what has been said on this thread is that the wives of high achieving men should do things so they stay interesting to their husbands. My children are young adults now so I'm very free, and while my DH finds the things I do with my time charming and valuable (educational programs at a science museum, volunteer work at a food bank, etc) it is all quite dull and pedestrian compared to international business deals involving millions of dollars.

Things that are novel are more interesting than things that are not, and the same holds for people. I'm quite sure that he could find some one more "interesting" because he wouldn't know her already. She would therefore be more "interesting" than me. For a marriage to work, both people have to decide that a person that they know well and can count on is actually a better choice than someone who seems more "interesting." After 20 years or so, no one still seems all that "interesting" because you know them inside out.

I am also in a couple where both of us have professional, successful careers and four children with no family support whatsoever.

I won't say it was easy - and neither of us have had time for hobbies, sport or much leisure time. It has taken a toll at times; but it was our choice and I think I am lucky to have found a DH who was happy to share the house chores and childcare 50/50.

We have used A LOT of childcare, since the children were very young.
None of it has been perfect but it's still worked in the end as both of us 13 years down the line are still going.

I promise you that giving up your career wasn't the only solution.

You can't possibly make that promise since you don't know the details of fitbit 's career or her DH's. You seem to have a very narrow view of other people's situations based on your very limited experience. It's yet to be seen whether you can make your career work as your children grow up. You really have been quite rude to fitbit.

Fitbit
Ofcourse everyone's circumstances are different and DH's behaviour is different also.
Looking at what you describe as your relationship issues,it does come across he feels more important and that his contribution is more important. I don't believe you can change his attitude towards you just by bringing up and discussing what's fair and how you enable his carrier to grow.
I would just concentrate on becoming independent once again,both financially and developing wider circle of interests. When that happens you won't have to put up with him because you can make it on your own,even if your relationship wont change for the better . Win win situation in all respects.

Flora It's yet to be seen whether you can make your career work as your children grow up.

Why oh why the negativity and disbelief that women with children can and do have careers? In my Department, all but two women work full time (and always have). Children range in age from a few months to in their 20's. I'm really sad that so many women on this thread are insisting that it's impossible to have a career and have children.