Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

I’m disbelieving because I don’t know anyone who works in consulting, banking or as a lawyer who can regularly finish at anything before 7.30-8. DH regularly works till 10pm but hopefully this is just a temporary phase until the baby arrives, but even after it isn’t particularly like he can be home by 6.
In academia in my lab and wider institute I don’t know a single female academic with children who doesn’t work part time or have a partner who works from home. The only people living the life you describe are very senior male professors who have wives who stay at home.

I’m sure there are many couples who can Square the circle by both working moderately challenging jobs that are 9-5 and splitting childcare, but I don’t know anyone who does work a 9-5 job.

I’m not creating obstacles for myself - I’m just being realistic about the challenges that people face. And I hope to Square our circle in a very different way - largely driven by seeing and hearing experiences of women as detailed above - having a full time career outside the home and paying someone to effectively pick up all the slack. Because I fear otherwise slipping into this. But given my overall earning prospects it’s likely it won’t be an economically sound decision from day 1. But that’s a compromise we plan to make as a couple. But pretending that people don’t have to make this compromise or patronising women who do by telling them they should have worked to remain more interesting is frankly sanctimonious.

Zaphod, I don't work 9-5, it's usually 9-6, and then 7.30-10pm. Do you genuinely think we don't exist? You don't know any female academics who work full-time?? This seems outrageously unlikely.

window, it's not that women have internalized so much sexism we can't believe that it's impossible for some couples to share childcare duties and some women to pursue both careers and motherhood. What you don't seem to understand (or pretend not to) is that that's the situation for SOME couples and SOME women and SOME workplaces/career paths, and that SOME OTHER women may encounter some very real barriers that aren't simply overcome by chirpy positive thinking/personal responsibility slogans that sound like you copied off a Facebook meme.

I work in academia too and there are a hell of a lot of privileges we have that aren't a given in other fields. Including job security for losing days, as others have stated.

I think the OP and all women should definitely feel empowered to change their own lives for the better but that's not helped along by others being clueless about the practicalities of it.

Anyway, OP, I think you've gotten some useful advice on here from people who have been in a situation similar to yours. Good luck and I hope things improve soon.

Window, your stance is so dismissive of so many women. Academia is quite unique in the amount of work that has to be done in the work setting. The fact that both of you are in academic roles must give you a lot of flexibility as a family, but this is not the norm.
It is also perfectly valid to make a different choice to the choice you have made. The issue is that op's dh is an arrogant arse, not that op is unhappy with her choice.
I have made the very difficult choice to only work 3 days a week, because my dcs were unhappy with the amount of time they were in childcare and wanted me there more. They still want me home more, but we have a better balance now.

You're not hurting my feelings, windows. But you seem to be talking from a magical place where reality never bites and the patriarchy never existed. Lucky you!

Krispy, I suppose I just find it a bit depressing that SO MANY women choose to give up their careers for their husbands'. Why on earth would you make that choice? Where are all the women who insisted on a 50/50 situation?

If neither you nor your husband was able to take on that extra slack, why was it you who decided to do it? It lost you your job!
My husband was an egotistic shit who simply did not come home when he was supposed to, leaving me to take the kids to work with me. He's now my ex-husband. No deciding to do anything involved.

You are lucky to have a supportive spouse who accepts your choices, and you are lucky to have choices. Other women only have a choice to put up or go. If I'd left, I'd have been a single mum in a foreign country giving me limited job opportunities at the time, no family in this country, and still relying on my flakey husband's cooperation with childcare.

I believe you when you say that in your case it has been fine being a working mum. Why can't you believe that it might not be fine in other cases?

Looking at it from a slightly different perspective, I work with men like this ('with' not 'for'). I often wonder how their wives can put up with them and whether they're as arrogant, condescending and childish at home.

Most have SAHWs but I doubt they're after a wife with a career. They struggle with being challenged by female peers. Prefer to patronise sycophantic juniors instead.
And oh the condescending comments if you dare to go on maternity leave...they're far too indispensable to take leave (sure they are).

Underneath it all is deep seated insecurity and chauvinism. Seeking affirmation at work to make up for their many, many inadequacies at home.

Raven, that's an awful situation - I'm so sorry! What a shit he was!

That's a good point Dame! I've known men like this too. I believe there was a study which showed that men with SAHWives we more sexist than those with wives who had careers - though which came first, the chicken or the egg?!

Eh? Don’t twist my words - surely an academic should have more rigorous standards when it comes to parsing language.

In academia in my lab and wider institute I don’t know a single female academic with children who doesn’t work part time or have a partner who works from home

I do know female academics who work full time. They have partners who largely work from home or have much more flexible careers.

And academia is a very unique career in terms of accountability to external time sensitive deadlines, clients, flexibility of work location etc. Surely you’re not pretending that’s not the case.

I understand you feel frustrated that not everyone has the luxury of making the choices you do. But stop berating the women making the most of their choices in the place of berating entrenched patriarchy and privilege. It is possible for some women in some careers to have equitable distributions of work and home tasks. It does not mean this is universally true. And even your high flying career is eventually facilitated by someone (usually a woman on minimum wage) changing soiled diapers and losing her “interestingness” on a daily basis.

I suppose I just find it a bit depressing that SO MANY women choose to give up their careers for their husbands

But we don’t, we do it if we think it’s best for our family as a whole, not to facilitate our husband! 🙄

And even your high flying career is eventually facilitated by someone (usually a woman on minimum wage) changing soiled diapers and losing her “interestingness” on a daily basis.

Yes.

But where are the men doing the same? It almost always seems to be the decision made by the family is to have the woman give up her career. That's really depressing!

As long as men earn better it will still make more sense to the family for the woman to sah.

How is the law on men taking parental leave in the UK these days, any better?

Yes. It is depressing!!

Krispy, I suppose I just find it a bit depressing that SO MANY women choose to give up their careers for their husbands'. Why on earth would you make that choice? Where are all the women who insisted on a 50/50 situation?

What do you mean by SO MANY? This thread was started by one person whose specific situation is not very similar to yours (though you have tried hard to convince her she has exactly the same options that you and your husband do). I'm not talking about numbers, I'm saying the important thing is understanding that not everyone is in the same situation you are in, and that sometimes "positive thinking" is a cover for victim blaming ("oh but if you really believed in yourself you wouldn't have MADE that choice!").

Also, as stated above, stop directing your frustration/confusion at the women who didn't insist, the women who made choices, blah di blah. Direct your energy at the system of patriarchy that presented people (men and women both lose out!) with such shit choices to begin with.

Yes! Everyone's career is facilitaed by someone else (usually in paid employment) - like people who work in restaurants. And people who work in supermarkets. And farmers (so we don't have to harvest our own food). And childcare workers. And cleaners at work. And people working in the postal service. Etc. It's odd to just focus on childcare workers. Society is kind of build on people specialising in different things, rather than each person doing a bit of everything (very inefficient).

Raven, luckily, yes. Much better. We can now take shared parental leave, to be split any way we want it, up to a year. With our next DC, I'll be taking 6 months, and my husband will be taking 5 months.

As far as I know, the pay gap only starts when people are in their 30's (usually AFTER women have decided to give up their careers/go part time). Up until then, it's pretty even. Am willing to be told I'm wrong on this!

I'm guessing you're not in the social sciences, window, or you could write an academic paper on the subject. You sound more of a candidate for advanced mathematics or astrophysics though?

Ravenmum - spot on! I'm a mathematician!

Wow, a whole year? rofl
When the kids were small, the mother got up to 3 years' paid parental leave here in Germany. It made no sense for my ex to look after the kids. These days dads get more of a look in. I know a couple of dads here taking time off.

window

Are you sure you’re in employment?

haha yes i've noticed a hint of this with my DP who has recently received quite a prestigious title with his newest role. is walking around calling himself 'title' daddy he's alright though, for now.

Zaphod I have found the same, I know loads of academics and all that work ft have either a very flexible/pt working partner, a SAHP partner or lots of helpful, willing grandparents. Even outside academia this is the set up for pretty much every couple a I know. I don't think I know of anyone with the set up window describes, with both parents having very successful careers 50:50 parenting, 50% parental leave and sick days and no family help at all. In most cases(but certainly not all) the mother in the partnership reduces /compresses hours or reduces their role. All because they want to. Because in their eyes it's what's best for their kids.