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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's in an open relationship and I don't know how to feel.

143 replies

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 13:29

I'm late 20s, no kids. He's early 30s with a child from a previous relationship in which he was engaged to the mother.

In any other situation, I'd say we'd been dating a month and it's going really well. Except he's got a primary long distance relationship with a girlfriend. They both sleep with other people.

I know the logical answer is to run. I've had some shocking experiences with men in my life, physical and emotional abuse, cheating, drug addiction, rape. I have a vulnerability because I have a long term mental health condition.

But when I'm with him it's easy and I'm happy. When he mentions the girlfriend, I feel a stab of disappointment. I know he's seeing her next weekend (he sees her once a month) and I feel sick with jealousy. But it comes in waves and I can hold it back.

He was entirely up front from the start and made it clear it was my choice to enter into this. At any rate, we're both mature students and he's graduating in the Spring, so he'll probably be gone.

I am so preoccupied with this, and have had a relapse of my illness. Which he has been great about. He drove me to an appointment and said it's no different than if he was seeing someone who had asthma.

I guess in my head I see him leaving her and picking me. That pick-me dance thing. I dunno. It is stupid.

We have a lot in common and similar outlooks on life. The sex is really good and we stay up talking all night. It all fits together, with that one enormous caveat.

I suppose I'm just sad and feel trapped. I am already attached and losing him would hurt. But I can't keep burying my head in the sand or pretending this is ideal.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/11/2017 13:32

Ah this set up sounds as if it will not/doesn’t suit you. It’ll end up eating you from the inside. Flowers

He’s not going to ditch her, this setup suits him.

Joysmum · 26/11/2017 13:32

Plenty of people are happy to not be in a monogamous relationship, doesn’t sound like you’re one of them.

Tbh if that’s the case you’re better off bailing out sooner as the longer you are in, the more attached you’ll get.

Original poster
Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 13:33

I dunno. It's not the monogamy but the hierarchy. She is "above" me, the plus one, the official girlfriend. So I feel inferior.

OP posts:
custarddinosaur · 26/11/2017 13:35

So, they have an open relationship. I expect that's what he told you.

Does his girlfriend know that? I bet she hasn't a clue he's seeing you. Sorry OP.

expatinscotland · 26/11/2017 13:35

It doesn't suit you, so please just move on. Please learn how to establish some boundaries.

PinkHeart5914 · 26/11/2017 13:36

It doesn’t sound like this set up is for you, so you end it and find someone that is suited to you

SandyY2K · 26/11/2017 13:42

Unless this works for you... you need to walk away.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/11/2017 13:42

If it's not for you, it's not for you and no amount of trying to bend yourself into being all right about it is going to make it all right for you. So stop. Walk away.

I would also bet my boots the other girlfriend doesn't know she's in an open relationship...

YessicaHaircut · 26/11/2017 13:43

Been there, OP Flowers except I was the “primary” and was under constant pressure to allow my partner to date/sleep with other women. I wanted a monogamous relationship (as that’s what works for me); he’d had polyamorous relationships in the past but assured me he was happy to be monogamous.
It chipped away at my self esteem and after almost a year I had a complete mental breakdown. Thankfully fully recovered now and very happily married to a brilliant bloke. The ex is now doing the same to his new partner.
I know your situation is not the same, but honestly if it’s not the right setup for you - and if you’re feeling jealous then it’s probably not - sorry to say you would be better off out of this. You deserve better.

ClaryFray · 26/11/2017 13:44

Being in a poly relationship can have its benefits. But you don't seem happy to engage, so I'd cut your losses and run now before you get to attached.

OrangeCrush19 · 26/11/2017 13:46

I’ve been where you are, OP, including the feelings of inferiority and being second best. I can’t be with someone in an open relationship or a (non-monogamous) fwb arrangement, and it sounds like this isn’t right for you either.

FWIW, counselling has helped me realise that my relationship with my parents is at the root of things for me. My mother was abusive and my father, who I get on with, failed to intervene. I have in the past repeated the dynamic by seeking out men who are in open relationships and hoping they’ll put me first by choosing me over their partner. I wonder if the abuse you’ve suffered in the past is colouring the attraction you feel?

I mention all of this because once I understood the pattern, it was a lot easier for me to back off from non-monogamous / unavailable men.

Allwashedup · 26/11/2017 13:47

I reckon his GF doesn't know about you or that she is in an open relationship.
He sounds like a cheating player...sorry OP. You will get hurt if you stay with him. Build up your self esteem and find a decent man worthy of you Flowers

gillybeanz · 26/11/2017 13:48

Having to hold back the jealousy isn't what an open relationship is about.
This isn't for you, will only bring heartache, time to move on.
There is somebody out there who is right for you, this one is wrong.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/11/2017 13:50

This is a recipe for misery for you. You have to walk away.

peachgreen · 26/11/2017 13:51

If you're jealous now it will only get worse. I kidded myself that I could handle a relationship like this but I absolutely couldn't and it destroyed my trust in men. Don't do it. It only works if all parties are 100% happy with the arrangement.

Original poster
Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 13:51

My mother was abusive and my father, who I get on with, failed to intervene. I have in the past repeated the dynamic by seeking out men who are in open relationships and hoping they’ll put me first by choosing me over their partner. I wonder if the abuse you’ve suffered in the past is colouring the attraction you feel?

My mum was abusive and I used to try to get dad to leave her and live with me, but he said she was his wife and always came first.

Nowadays I get on well with mum. Me and dad are very similar but rarely discuss anything emotional.

I don't know if that relates to this situation but it struck me how similar your post was.

I have read the other posts and am still a bit ambivalent. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
RagingFemininist · 26/11/2017 13:54

Whatever you think about open relationship or how you feel when you are together, that relationship isn’t good for you.

Look, it lead you down the road having a relapse of your illness! Listen to your body. It’s telling you something loud and clear.
That guy is NOT worth your health.

Fwiw, unless you are met the girlfriend and she has told she is happy to have an open relationhsip, I would assume he is having an affair with you and she doesn’t know anything about it. (And I think that’s what you are picking subconsciously)

Original poster
Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 13:58

Yeah, perhaps.

It's hard to know what's normal because I'm used to working so bloody hard at relationships. So I'm used to the anxiety and stress alternating with the good.

My default approach to difficulty is just to try harder and cope better

This situation is still miles better than anything I've had.

I have wondered if it's an affair.

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 26/11/2017 13:59

Open relationships are very difficult, especially the models where someone has primaries instead of equal partners (which in itself is hard to do). One you have to ask yourself (if you are ok with the open set up) do you want to be other than his primary and thus hold a status of less than? Secondly if on the whole the relationship if making you less happy? You cant control the relationship model he wants but you can control the one you want.

Olicity17 · 26/11/2017 14:01

Op i couldnt do this. Some people can, thats fine. But i couldnt. I would feel second best too.

There is nothing wrong with open realtionships, but being involved isnt for everyone.

My advice is to end it now. Next spring, it will be even harder.

Original poster
Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 14:01

In a sense, it feels almost naughty to be the casual partner and there's something unusual and sexually appealing about it.

But I start feeling ashamed. Some of the comments on here sort of mimic my worries - is he taking me for a fool, am I selling myself short, am I in denial?

OP posts:
munkynutts · 26/11/2017 14:03

I have experience with this.

Very rarely, all partners are true equals.

Most of the time, the primary will always come first.

My advice?

Dont do it. You end up feeling like second best on a pretty regular basis, as well as having repeated lengthy and draining conversations aboit your feelings and theirs (because open relationships rely on lots of conversation so they dont have a guilty conscience about it).

expatinscotland · 26/11/2017 14:03

Pretty bad form to talk about the others in the presence of who you're with. TBH< I'd dump for that alone. Smacks of mind game BS.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 26/11/2017 14:03

No relationship is worth getting ill over, and as others have said, why would he leave her and be exclusively with you? He doesn't like being monogamous, so even if he did leave her he'd find someone else. Do you really want to share a man? It seems not, so you need to get rid before he costs you your sanity.

WinchestersInATardis · 26/11/2017 14:06

I've been in poly relationships and they can work very well, but if and only if, everyone is happy with the situation.
And I disagree with the other posters. Long distance open relationships are fairly common. (Cheaters are too, of course, but it's not a given that she doesn't know about it).
If you're only doing it because you don't feel like you have an other option, and you really want monogamy, then it's not going to end well. He's very unlikely to suddenly decide he wants a monogamous relationship.