He's in an open relationship and I don't know how to feel.

[Pineappleundersea]

I'm late 20s, no kids. He's early 30s with a child from a previous relationship in which he was engaged to the mother.

In any other situation, I'd say we'd been dating a month and it's going really well. Except he's got a primary long distance relationship with a girlfriend. They both sleep with other people.

I know the logical answer is to run. I've had some shocking experiences with men in my life, physical and emotional abuse, cheating, drug addiction, rape. I have a vulnerability because I have a long term mental health condition.

But when I'm with him it's easy and I'm happy. When he mentions the girlfriend, I feel a stab of disappointment. I know he's seeing her next weekend (he sees her once a month) and I feel sick with jealousy. But it comes in waves and I can hold it back.

He was entirely up front from the start and made it clear it was my choice to enter into this. At any rate, we're both mature students and he's graduating in the Spring, so he'll probably be gone.

I am so preoccupied with this, and have had a relapse of my illness. Which he has been great about. He drove me to an appointment and said it's no different than if he was seeing someone who had asthma.

I guess in my head I see him leaving her and picking me. That pick-me dance thing. I dunno. It is stupid.

We have a lot in common and similar outlooks on life. The sex is really good and we stay up talking all night. It all fits together, with that one enormous caveat.

I suppose I'm just sad and feel trapped. I am already attached and losing him would hurt. But I can't keep burying my head in the sand or pretending this is ideal.

I was reading something by Jeb Kinneson (I think his name is) and he said that even an abusive relationship is a form of avoidance and that struck a chord for me. You mention that previous relationships and experiences haven't been great for you so i wonder if you're in a similar place.

Did you watch the clip? What do you think?

I did watch it and I see her argument. It's the "he's just that into you" argument I suppose.

This doesn’t sound like a truly open relationship, which can work if done properly, just that he and his girlfriend allow each other to have sex with other people. (Presumably only while he’s a student, and I’d be very surprised if marriage wasn’t being discussed). A casual arrangement like that clearly isn’t working for you, so break it off.

Marriage has been floated from her end, but he has said he will never marry her.

He'll never marry anyone. Because he's an arsehole. HTH...

That’s what he’s telling you. In my experience (and I have a lot), when a man in an open relationship tells you he’s never going to marry his girlfriend it’s usually a lie. A lot of women only countenance an open casual relationship because of distance and a promise of a wedding - my gut feeling is he probably has already proposed to her. Don’t waste your time with him.

It's more than that because it's your reaction to that.

Also, if he is so great why is he causing pain and confusion by pursuing a sort-of relationship with a woman he likes ??????

It's really annoying when someone starts a thread and then is abusive to anyone who says something they don't want to hear

His story just doesn't add up.

Nobody is in a serious relationship with someone that they only see once a month. His "primary" girlfriend sounds like a FWB.

That aside, and let's subscribe to his story that she IS his primary partner, he has told you that :

a) he doesn't love her
b) he will never marry her

and that you are of a lower "status" than her.

Where does that place you then? Shit on his shoe? Crap in the gutter? Why would he even tell you any of this, if it wasn't all about control and seeing how far he can push you. How badly can he treat you, what will you put up with? Every time you take this crap, his ego inflates even more.

Moreover, if he only sees his "primary" partner once a month, and sees you now and again, there is no way he isn't sleeping with a 3rd and 4th woman too. Because he clearly needs the attention and ego boost.

Op, this guy sounds like a total and utter mind fuck merchant, who clearly thinks he is Gods Gift to the female race.

Kick him in to touch, asap. And get some self respect. Quite frankly I would have laughed in his face when he first came out with all this bullshit. Who on earth does he think he is? Uugh.

And just to add, how do you now he only sees her once a month? He could be seeing her every day, and you are simply the OW. I bet you have absolutely no way of contacting her?

Great post Husky.

Honestly, what this reads as is someone who has a need for validation through relationships but has a fear of being vulnerable which is prohibitive to finding a happy and equal relationship.

This would not at all be surprising if you were abused as a child and have had a series of abusive relationships as an adult.

IMO you are best off out of relationships completely until you have resolved these issues and healed from the harm.

Thanks Lottie

I feel so sorry for any women taking such shit from men. I would have frog marched him out of my home and slammed the door after him. What a total prick!

Plenty more fish in the sea. Literally Billions of men on this planet. No need to put up with one this pathetic.

OP, Big hug!

I am posting only because i was alarmed by your mention in your original post "I've had some shocking experiences with men in my life, physical and emotional abuse, cheating, drug addiction, rape". Do you think you may have a history of being attracted to unavailable men/situations? Maybe there is some deeper issue which touches upon why you feel the need to validate your self worth by having a man so unavailable fell madly in love with you - enough to change his spots? Enough to dump his "primary" and devote himself completely to you? I am just guessing here, but maybe it is something that rings a bell for you. If that is the case, I just wanted to say that you do deserve more. Please try and work through it for yourself, as it is no way to live life.

If the above doesnt ring a bell, and its only about your current situation, I would suggest that you simply be honest with him about what you want. Tell him how you would like the situation to be. If he doesnt go for it, its better to know now.

Well to me it sounds like you want to replace this woman and be the number 1 girlfriend. Maybe that will happen, but then you'll be the main girlfriend and he'll be seeing other women on the side, can you cope with that?

This is bonkers and its making you I'll!

His story just doesn't add up.

Nobody is in a serious relationship with someone that they only see once a month.

No, that's not true. I have a friend who was in a "normal" relationship, her work took her elsewhere for a longish period and they decided jointly to stay together and do long distance but have an open relationship. So it does happen.

Regardless OP, it does sound like this is not a good relationship for you. I've talked a lot to my friend about how she manages not to let her secondary relationships/partners threaten her primary one, and she really has her head screwed on and is clear in what she is doing and what she wants. I think you need that kind of clear headedness to be in an open relationship, and if you don't have it it's going to fuck with your mind and heart and make a huge mess. I know I couldn't do it, I'm just not secure enough even though rationally I can see why it could work for some.

If there is anything to take from this thread, it's what Remember said, and that is that the more you stay as you are, the more attached you'll become and the more painful it will be and the harder the decision to make.

Attachment often comes with need, and the more inaccessible he is, the more you'll grow to need his reassurance. You'll then become needy, and most likely, he will be torn apart between the pleasure he'll get from that feeling of power that he can make you feel so happy doing so little, and feeling petrified of the responsibility that will fall over him to do so.

One day, the latter will take over, and he will blame you for getting too attached when he was soooo clear from the start that he wasn't going to give you what you wanted ultimately. He will tell you that you are responsible for not managing your emotions, despite the fact that he got a kick from controlling your ups and downs.

Of course he isn't not doing this consciously, so will never see that he has done anything wrong. It's a form of mental control that is so destructible because so much more subtle than direct abuse.

If it was a case of him genuinely falling in love with two people and not knowing who to pick, torturing himself over making the right choice etc..., I would say that maybe he was worth being patient for but he has said it as it is, he isn't in love with her and most likely not with you either.

Think about it, if it's not for the kick of the power, why would he bother keeping a long distance relationship with someone he doesn't love and doesn't want to contemplate any future with?