He's in an open relationship and I don't know how to feel.

[Pineappleundersea]

I'm late 20s, no kids. He's early 30s with a child from a previous relationship in which he was engaged to the mother.

In any other situation, I'd say we'd been dating a month and it's going really well. Except he's got a primary long distance relationship with a girlfriend. They both sleep with other people.

I know the logical answer is to run. I've had some shocking experiences with men in my life, physical and emotional abuse, cheating, drug addiction, rape. I have a vulnerability because I have a long term mental health condition.

But when I'm with him it's easy and I'm happy. When he mentions the girlfriend, I feel a stab of disappointment. I know he's seeing her next weekend (he sees her once a month) and I feel sick with jealousy. But it comes in waves and I can hold it back.

He was entirely up front from the start and made it clear it was my choice to enter into this. At any rate, we're both mature students and he's graduating in the Spring, so he'll probably be gone.

I am so preoccupied with this, and have had a relapse of my illness. Which he has been great about. He drove me to an appointment and said it's no different than if he was seeing someone who had asthma.

I guess in my head I see him leaving her and picking me. That pick-me dance thing. I dunno. It is stupid.

We have a lot in common and similar outlooks on life. The sex is really good and we stay up talking all night. It all fits together, with that one enormous caveat.

I suppose I'm just sad and feel trapped. I am already attached and losing him would hurt. But I can't keep burying my head in the sand or pretending this is ideal.

I'm sorry remember. I really hope you're not his girlfriend.

I want to hear the words "open relationship" from her lips tbh, I seriously doubt that him and her are on the same page with this, whether or not they are just co parenting, is the child his?? or she is in the dark

AND what if he does make you the primary girlfriend, do you imagine for a single second he is going to make you his one and only? You really do not seem strong enough to cope with those sorts of shennanigans.

where do you live, pineapple? He isn't in the UK. He's only here 3-4 times a year. I'm not a redhead either.

The child isn't hers, he co-parents with the ex girlfriend.

I'm in the UK.

I dunno. I understand what everyone's saying. I think this dynamic is opening up some traumatic wounds from my past.

I dated two men who dumped other women for me and my first reaction was "oh shit". So you’re a serial pursuer of attached men? You like “winning” them away for an ego boost?

I was 16 and then 17 so I don't know if that exactly counts as wanting to win men away.

Was just coming on to say what schnitzel said ^^

You’re more interested in ‘winning’ over other women and being number one than you are in the men in question. Maybe subconsciously you hate women?

I feel like some people have come on this thread to have a dig at me for their own reasons.

Ok, what the absolute fuck? I don't hate women. I have female friends I cherish.

Ok hate sounds a bit strong, maybe you don’t like women very much?

You sound a bit bratty tbh.

you do seem to value yourself according to how you "win" men though

I really think that is where your problems lie, and would advise you to take a good long hard look at this.

So you've come on here to start an fight, and when I defend myself I'm a brat?

My advice? Examine your relationship with your mother.

No not at all, I’m just saying it how i we it. Not trying to be judgemental or unpleasant, in fact I can relate to you as I used to be a bit like this too.

Agree your relationship with your mother is probably significant, I know mine was.

*how I see it that should say.

I think people are worried about you, which is why they're telling you to drop him. The analogy he makes if your illness like asthma is interesting, because it'd be really stupid to carry on doing something that made your asthma worse wouldn't it? But effectively he is that thing that's making your 'asthma' worse. Please don't risk your mental health any more on this man. The thinking in some of your posts is already wonky bordering on self-destructive. You've gotta sort yourself first and foremost, not get lost down this rabbit hole of futile fantasies - what if he picked me etc. He's not going to. He's told you. He's shown you. He doesn't really care. He'll be gone in a few months and you'll be worse off. It's not working. That's all people are saying and the fact you think they have other agendas is another example of cloudy thinking. I hope you can come to see that and do the right thing for yourself.

Wow really? Defensive much

People tend to get defensive when strangers see they're in a vulnerable spot and decide to accuse them of being women-hating brats.

One thing i find interesting is i am definitely as mentioned earlier suggesting you explore your relationship with your mother, as there is something childlike going on (i mean that with no offence).
The words you choose in response to @PsychedelicSheep : "nasty", the focus on "nothing like me" which has something fundamentalist abot it, like a child, you expressing you feel like people are "being mean" to you.
This combined with your username - a reference to a kids cartoon (and a pineapple is something prickly and hard to open, under a sea, water being a well known image for emotion).

I think there is some vulnerability left over from childhood within you and you are using men in an attempt to heal past wounds, subconsciously.

You may well think your problems stem from your father - but often thats a misdirection, and actually it is repressed anger at a mother figure. Good luck pineapple. You deserve love.

pink I understand people telling me to drop him. But there is absolutely no need to be vicious about it like a few posters have been. The previous one I disliked used antagonistic language like "the sordid affair", this new poster has gone for insults from the start.

I don't think it's paranoid to see their replies as disingenuous.

The vast majority of people have been blunt but supportive and i have read all their replies.

You seem to make the same mistake of choosing men who won't commit and are in other relationships..or that only want you for a FWB relationship... why is that.

This makes me feel you have low self esteem

So I guess I'm hoping to be upgraded to the primary one.

Waiting for a man to promote you?.. That says quite a lot... but need been honest with you. Can't fault him there.

This combined with your username - a reference to a kids cartoon (and a pineapple is something prickly and hard to open, under a sea, water being a well known image for emotion).

My ex liked spongebob squarepants and it came into my head

I’m not sure you’re cut out for poly relationships, lots of people aren’t. You don’t seem happy at all.

How much are you charging for this condescending armchair therapy mindfuck?