He's in an open relationship and I don't know how to feel.

[Pineappleundersea]

I'm late 20s, no kids. He's early 30s with a child from a previous relationship in which he was engaged to the mother.

In any other situation, I'd say we'd been dating a month and it's going really well. Except he's got a primary long distance relationship with a girlfriend. They both sleep with other people.

I know the logical answer is to run. I've had some shocking experiences with men in my life, physical and emotional abuse, cheating, drug addiction, rape. I have a vulnerability because I have a long term mental health condition.

But when I'm with him it's easy and I'm happy. When he mentions the girlfriend, I feel a stab of disappointment. I know he's seeing her next weekend (he sees her once a month) and I feel sick with jealousy. But it comes in waves and I can hold it back.

He was entirely up front from the start and made it clear it was my choice to enter into this. At any rate, we're both mature students and he's graduating in the Spring, so he'll probably be gone.

I am so preoccupied with this, and have had a relapse of my illness. Which he has been great about. He drove me to an appointment and said it's no different than if he was seeing someone who had asthma.

I guess in my head I see him leaving her and picking me. That pick-me dance thing. I dunno. It is stupid.

We have a lot in common and similar outlooks on life. The sex is really good and we stay up talking all night. It all fits together, with that one enormous caveat.

I suppose I'm just sad and feel trapped. I am already attached and losing him would hurt. But I can't keep burying my head in the sand or pretending this is ideal.

Only trying to help you OP.

pineappleunderthesea I know we've all heard that soundbite ''he's just not that in to you'' well I wondered why the men I liked were never that in to me. I was struggling to think of a time that a man I'd been crazy about had returned my feelings and there were two occasions and then they dumped me. Other times I've had a relationship it's because I've not been in to them, it's the only way a proper committed relationship ever happens for me. Well, I had a moment of lucidity a couple of years ago when I realised that my parents just weren't that in to me. The feeling of ambivalence, uncertainty, inclination to be more pleasing ; that can all be so easily mistaken for butterflies and chemistry if you had parents who weren't that in to you. I didn't realise my parents weren't that in to me for so long because they were quite controlling. When I say there weren't that in to me I mean I always had to try hard to please them. They controlled me with approval and disapproval and my brother was the golden boy. I hope that helps. I'm not trying to be a sanctimonious armchair psychologist. I just know that this is exactly the kind of unsatisfying relationship I used to find myself in repeatedly after leaving a controlling x. I knew to avoid controlling men so I ended up with ambivalent men. It can feel very invasive, intrusive, stifling even, to be in a relationship with a man who is certain about you. So there is a fucked up freedom in these ambivalent McRelationships.

OP what's the point of posting if you don't want to hear people's advice? A lot of us have experience of this sort of thing. I'm autistic and have been terribly exploited in various relationships. I'm still working on it.

Thankyou Mince. You make a good point. I would open up more but I'm wary of the way this thread has gone.

I am listening to peoples' advice, can you all stop the fucking pile-on?

A psychotherapist knows that what needs to be looked at is often painful and usually met with resistance at first so there is zero point castigating an OP for not receiving insights more graciously.

What you say stuck a chord, about it being the best relationship you've ever had. With that one enormous caveat.

This clip helped me get turned off.

Paraphrasing .... but here goes,

''He likes you enough to spend time with you, probably at his own convenience, he likes you enough to sleep with you, but he doesn't respect you enough to step away from you when he can't offer you what you deserve.@ ( maybe because he senses that you don't feel/believe you deserve it ).

''So here you were thinking that he was this totally cool great guy when actually he's a bit of a emotional immature man-child. A grown up will pursue a woman understanding the implications of her feelings getting involved and wanting to be respectful of her in that process, a man-child will do the thinking with his penis and leaving you feeling kind of disappointed and kind of used.''

You don't need to do anything to win his approval. You just need to get turned off.

He's not this awesome wonderful person you thought he was. He's actually far from that''

when a guy wants all of the convenience of relationship but isn't willing to take on any responsibility, GET TURNED OFF

I know she's not referring to open relationships but the message is the same from your end. It's not serving you. It's not what you want. GET TURNED OFF

id be honest with him and tell him that you like him but the non monogamy thing is affecting your mental health.
If he really likes you and is not that into his primary, then he might give it a go, but tbh, if hes naturally non-monogamous, it would possibly be a headfuck anyway

I dated two men who dumped other women for me and my first reaction was "oh shit".

This really struck a chord with me, combined with your current relationship.

I had a friend who would always fall for blokes who were attached, sometimes she would lead them astray and other times they wouldn’t be interested. I always put this down to her having a major fear of rejection and if they weren’t interested she could say it was because they had a gf/dw rather than it be anything to do with her. Note I said ‘had a friend’ she did the same thing to me, came on to my now DH without a thought in the world for me or our friendship group.

Do you think you go for these types of men because you are deep down scared of rejection, and if he does choose his primary over you, well she was there first and you knew you were really the OW and there to keep him entertained in the interim between him seeing her.

@offside
Yes, but also as @PsychedelicSheep or someone else said, there's an element of power there: "I am clearly of more value than the other women - I can take what is most dear to them because I am more desireable" (not acknowledging that there is probably a host of other women who could do the same, but just choose not to).

Its why so many posters have mentioned mother issues. Its pretty common. And its nothing to feel worried about - therapy can really help.

For fuck's sake stop telling me what I think and feel munkynutts.

offside i would never proposition a friend's partner, I am not that lacking in morality and self control.

The boyfriends I had as a teen liked me and left their girlfriends before asking me out.

This man assured me his relationship is open.

I am not a sodding scarlet woman going round power tripping and trying to steal everyone's husbands.

Pineapple - this thread is helping me with my situation and I am seeing many parallels.

In fact I chose a man who could never commit to me for many reasons. I wasn't ready for a proper relationship, but I still wanted someone to care for me. I wanted to prove my worth. I thought he was special and worth it.

I am in my 40s and still doing this dumb stuff. I wanted to try something new I suppose. It hasn't worked - just the same as it didn't work when I slept with unobtainable men in my 20s.

I just end up feeling like shit.

I'm glad the thread is helping you. Have you decided what action to take?

You say "I am not a sodding scarlet woman going round power tripping and trying to steal everyone's husbands."

But you are, actually, as in your OP you say
"I guess in my head I see him leaving her and picking me. That pick-me dance thing."

I am well-versed in open relationships and in true polyamory, that is completely counter to the spirit of things.

Your goal should not be to try and corrupt the primary relationship in an open relationship, but to coexist with it.

You're being disingenuous, whether consciously or subconsciously I dont know, but probably a little more of the former.

Anyway, you'll be glad to hear I'm bowing out of this thread now.

I do wish you good luck, but I dont like your aggression and dishonesty. You ARE trying to "divert" a man away from his primary partner, not that that makes him blameless - but this thread was about your feelings, not his.

An open relationship OP is nothing more than an excuse to shag around without taking any responsibility for your actions. You are always going to be second best, third best even as he has a child and although he might be lovely, he's never going to be yours and yours alone. The fact he's raising a child that's growing up to see Dad in multiple relationships is disturbing.

It would be OK to go along with if you were happy with it, but you're not. And perhaps it's a good time to listen to your inner voice. I joke saying no other woman in the world would take my DH on, but the reality of him seeing someone else would kill me. It's not right however you label it.

I know I'd never be equal to his daughter..
She's his child. That's entirely normal..

Best wishes to you Pineapple, love is a random crazy thing and yet so beautiful. I've just read the first and last page so hope it's ok to say something. I think that you know what to do but you know it is going to be mega painful. Take back power and try and put this relationship into a beautiful box, shut it closed, do lovely things to nurture yourself. If this man comes back to you, he comes back just to you and if he doesn't you've been brave to take a chance on love.

Thanks tava. That was very kind.

At the moment, Pineapple, I have asked him to only contact me if he can spend quality time with me/talking to me.
So far, that has meant 48 hours of no contact. (in one year we have only ever gone 24 hours with no contact...)

Either he is too busy for quality time or he doesn't want to contact me.

I suppose the ball is in his court. Essentially I want him to a knowledge that he hasn't given me what I need and to do so. But my wise head is telling me that he can't and that I will never trust him,

There's really only one thing to do when the trust is gone...

remember

I won't tell you what to do. But I think you are making wiser choices and will have a good chance of doing the thing that is right for you.

His silence says a lot. None of it nice. I don't know you, but I strongly doubt that is all you deserve.

Please read ''Mr Unavailable and the fall back girl'' OP.

I never dated married men but there are so many ways women can sell themselves short and I worked my way through all of them except married men. I think because I didn't consciously know I had an avoidant attachment style.

"An open relationship OP is nothing more than an excuse to shag around without taking any responsibility for your actions."

Woah, no, that's not fair. We have an open relationship and it works really well for us. I know all of the people my partner has slept with (the last person was a stranger so I met her to reassure her I knew about this and was happy with it) and everything's completely above board. We've been together 8 years and just have very mismatched libidos.