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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's in an open relationship and I don't know how to feel.

143 replies

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 13:29

I'm late 20s, no kids. He's early 30s with a child from a previous relationship in which he was engaged to the mother.

In any other situation, I'd say we'd been dating a month and it's going really well. Except he's got a primary long distance relationship with a girlfriend. They both sleep with other people.

I know the logical answer is to run. I've had some shocking experiences with men in my life, physical and emotional abuse, cheating, drug addiction, rape. I have a vulnerability because I have a long term mental health condition.

But when I'm with him it's easy and I'm happy. When he mentions the girlfriend, I feel a stab of disappointment. I know he's seeing her next weekend (he sees her once a month) and I feel sick with jealousy. But it comes in waves and I can hold it back.

He was entirely up front from the start and made it clear it was my choice to enter into this. At any rate, we're both mature students and he's graduating in the Spring, so he'll probably be gone.

I am so preoccupied with this, and have had a relapse of my illness. Which he has been great about. He drove me to an appointment and said it's no different than if he was seeing someone who had asthma.

I guess in my head I see him leaving her and picking me. That pick-me dance thing. I dunno. It is stupid.

We have a lot in common and similar outlooks on life. The sex is really good and we stay up talking all night. It all fits together, with that one enormous caveat.

I suppose I'm just sad and feel trapped. I am already attached and losing him would hurt. But I can't keep burying my head in the sand or pretending this is ideal.

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 26/11/2017 14:59

The trouble is labels are just labels. FWB, FB, Poly, Open. Often blurred, misused or abused to hook someone disingenuously to put someone exactly where you want them .

Redglitter · 26/11/2017 15:00

I wonder if his gf knows they have an open relationship. Also be interesting to know what she'd say about how much time they're together. I'd be struggling to believe him tbh

flumpybear · 26/11/2017 15:00

Are you sure it’s just the two of you girls on this relationship with him?

inamuddleagain · 26/11/2017 15:01

He has made it really clear it's up to me and checked in with me constantly at the beginning

Well, yes, but that's quite a low bar - of course it's up to you, that's just a statement of fact, so he's not given you anything there - and in some ways it's a very easy set up for him - he's explained everything , you've only yourself to blame if it doesn't work.

But how many of us, if we really cared about someone, would just shrug and say 'it's up to you' while continuing to prolong a situation that was obviously causing them distress?

Original poster
Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 15:01

Does anyone else feel scared to death when they're with someone new? Beyond the initial flood of happiness when you first hold hands or kiss.

It's like impending doom.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 15:02

I don't think he has any idea how much I'm in a bad place. I'm good at masking because I used to cover my own depression as a child. For that reason i can't blame him.

I don't know if he's seeing anyone else but he says he isn't.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 26/11/2017 15:04

I predict you will hang on in there until he gets bored and drops you like a stone, in favour of his primary gf who will remain blissfully oblivious to the whole sordid situation. Of course he loves her. You don't go to the trouble of maintaining a long distance relationship for years unless you think there's a future in it.

Original poster
Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 15:10

Ok, that was very harsh.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 26/11/2017 15:10

His lines are bullshit. It’s the poly version of ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’. He sounds like a pompous, entitled twit.

Ugh, don’t sacrifice yourself for this bollocks.

“Oh yes, I’m delighted to be your deputy girlfriend, the second-best understudy, as long as you give me the chance to do the ‘pick me’ dance feverishly, and try to meet all your needs like a handmaiden! Until you inevitably make it clear you weren’t ever going to choose me, and it smacks me in the face that I’ve wasted a chunk of my life!”

Mince314 · 26/11/2017 15:13

It will erode your self-esteem and that is the last thing you need.

lottieandmia22 · 26/11/2017 15:19

He probably doesn’t love the primary girlfriend either. At least not enough to be respectful enough of their relationship not to shag other people. I think if someone really likes/loves you they will not sleep with other people and it’s as simple as that really. Some people are messed up so they can’t do that for anyone

Mince314 · 26/11/2017 15:20

I bet he does know vulnerable you are.

I put up with crumbs from a man who wouldnt commit. I told myself it didnt stop me looking for a man who did value me enough to commit. I told myself it kinda suited me. I told myself he was a friend. I told myself that my friends weren't in a contract to continue being friends with me.

So anything can be rationalised.
Any crap can be spun.

Im lucky I called time on my non-committer 18 months ago because even yesterday he texted me. It turns out he was the needy one. He uses people because he needs so much validation. Every bit of valudation you give to this guy will erode your self esteem and you will get nothing in return.

WantingMuchMore · 26/11/2017 15:22

Open relationships can and do work but only if everyone is on the same page.

This

I guess in my head I see him leaving her and picking me. That pick-me dance thing. I dunno. It is stupid.

He's already chosen you as someone he ALSO wants in his life. If he's comfortable in open relationships, even if she and he part ways there is no guarantee you will be his one and only.

What do you think being a primary partner means? Even if he ends things with her there is no guarantee you will be slotted into that position...

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/11/2017 15:23

You have done the pick me dance with other men and then when they did pick you, you ran a mile. I assume you felt your needs were last or you were second best as a child. These men are never going to fill the need inside you to be put first by your parents.

Finish it with him and get some therapy. It’s not he you want, it’s your dignity and self esteem.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/11/2017 15:24

Auto correct. HIM

Mince314 · 26/11/2017 15:24

Even if OP were happy with an open relationship, could anybody really be happy with "I prefer the other one"

Mince314 · 26/11/2017 15:26

Id also have some doubts about whether or not primary girlfriend knows it's an open relationship. Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn't.

lottieandmia22 · 26/11/2017 15:26

But for everyone to be on the same page it Means everyone has to not be too into each other. Which doesn’t work. Humans get jealous - it’s natural human behaviour.

When you have low self esteem or unhealthy boundaries you go for someone who seems unattainable because in your head, in the event that they eventually commit to you you will have proven your self worth. The problem is that nobody can rely on another person for their self esteem. Self esteem can only come from you.

JennyHolzersGhost · 26/11/2017 15:27

OP, ultimately you’ll know when you’ve found the right relationship because it just feels right. It’s easy, it’s simple, you feel secure and loved and never have to wonder how he feels about you because you just know.
By contrast this guy is triggering all your self doubt and negative inner voices. He’s leaving you feeling insecure and not knowing where you stand. You have to regard this situation as basically FWB because that’s what it means to play second fiddle. FWB is fine as long as the B available are what you’re looking for. But in this case you want more.
I think you should move on.

Hauntedlobster · 26/11/2017 15:36

Even if he leaves the other girl and you take
Her place, your position will then become vacant. How will you feel when you’re technically first but know you knocked someone else off the top spot?

thegrinchreaper · 26/11/2017 15:42

Oh don't do this to yourself. You've been able to identify that you've been drawn to toxic relationships before, and the reasons why. To continue with this would be self-destructive.
I also think he's playing games, referring to other women and suspect that your MH and perceived vulnerability suit him down to the ground.

RainyApril · 26/11/2017 16:10

Even if he dumps her and picks you as his primary gf, you'll know he's probably seeing other women too. I can't imagine what that would do to your mental health and self esteem. Find some respect and get rid of him. If it's written in the stars or whatever, he'll come to his senses and come running won't he.

peachgreen · 26/11/2017 16:40

Does anyone else feel scared to death when they're with someone new?

Only when it's the wrong person.* This is toxic, OP, and you're scared because you know it is. He won't leave her - if he was going to he would have done it already.*

lottieandmia22 · 26/11/2017 16:59

I agree when you feel bad in a relationship it's because it's wrong for you.

rememberthetime · 26/11/2017 17:20

I am in a long distant (very) open relationship and I am truly struggling with it. We agreed that he would not see anyone himself for a while as he's aware I feel jealousy. But I doubt very much that is the case.

I would describe myself as the primary - but I can't be sure. He has a history of cheating and sees this as the better option as at least he is open about it.

When we are together he is attentive and wonderful. But that is rare. When we are part we have become increasingly distant from each other and I suspect he has something else taking his time.

What this all adds up to is a relationship where I feel very ill at ease. I question him constantly about what he is doing and I have huge amounts of fear that he will meet someone he cares about more than me. And the way I'm behaving by being so jealous means that it wouldn't take much!

Just this weekend I have told him that I can't maintain contact with him while he's away. That I prefer to see him face to face - that way I don't have to worry about what he's up to when I'm not there.

Open relationships are not for everyone. I thought I could cope with it. That we would take our time and I would eventually be secure enough to accept him with someone else. But the longer we stayed together the more in love I became and the more I wanted him to myself. But its over going to happen and I wish I had worked that out long ago.

My therapist told me that I looked for a relationship that was unobtainable for a reason. I was fresh out of a marriage and not wanting to be tied down. But now I think I want something better than this halfway house of a relationship.

I wish you luck. But I would say that the longer you wait for his commitment to you and only you, the more attached you will become. Its devastating when that reality finally hits.