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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's in an open relationship and I don't know how to feel.

143 replies

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 13:29

I'm late 20s, no kids. He's early 30s with a child from a previous relationship in which he was engaged to the mother.

In any other situation, I'd say we'd been dating a month and it's going really well. Except he's got a primary long distance relationship with a girlfriend. They both sleep with other people.

I know the logical answer is to run. I've had some shocking experiences with men in my life, physical and emotional abuse, cheating, drug addiction, rape. I have a vulnerability because I have a long term mental health condition.

But when I'm with him it's easy and I'm happy. When he mentions the girlfriend, I feel a stab of disappointment. I know he's seeing her next weekend (he sees her once a month) and I feel sick with jealousy. But it comes in waves and I can hold it back.

He was entirely up front from the start and made it clear it was my choice to enter into this. At any rate, we're both mature students and he's graduating in the Spring, so he'll probably be gone.

I am so preoccupied with this, and have had a relapse of my illness. Which he has been great about. He drove me to an appointment and said it's no different than if he was seeing someone who had asthma.

I guess in my head I see him leaving her and picking me. That pick-me dance thing. I dunno. It is stupid.

We have a lot in common and similar outlooks on life. The sex is really good and we stay up talking all night. It all fits together, with that one enormous caveat.

I suppose I'm just sad and feel trapped. I am already attached and losing him would hurt. But I can't keep burying my head in the sand or pretending this is ideal.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 26/11/2017 14:08

This isn’t working for you. It’s damaging your self-esteem and your mental health. It doesn’t matter if it works for others and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a genuine open relationship or an affair. What matters is that what’s on offer isn’t making you happy. End it now before you’re more attached and you have more to lose.

MillennialFalcon · 26/11/2017 14:12

Open relationships can work for some people but this obviously isn't working for you and there is the possibility he isn't being honest, no way to verify if the girlfriend is ok with the arrangement when they're long distance. Please put yourself and your health first.

RagingFemininist · 26/11/2017 14:14

And that’s why your MH has dipped....
This in itself isn’t good news.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/11/2017 14:15

" I used to try to get dad to leave her and live with me, but he said she was his wife and always came first. "

and then

"I don't know if that relates to this situation"

Looks to me like you've recreated the same thing, but you don't know if it relates????

swingofthings · 26/11/2017 14:19

If he told you that there are no chance whatsoever that he will ever pick you as his number one over his girlfriend, would you want to continue with the relationship knowing there is no hope that you ever will?

It sounds like you are only accepting the situation on the hope that it will evolve. In the meantime, it is destroying you slowly. it's a dangerous choice to make as the odds that it finishes well for you are very low.

Original poster

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 14:21

No, I wouldn't continue it.

I just feel hopeful I suppose because he doesn't love her and they barely see each other. So I guess I'm hoping to be upgraded to the primary one. I don't care if he sees her but I dislike being second best.

OP posts:

1DAD2KIDS · 26/11/2017 14:26

Pineappleundersea how honest do you think he is being in terms of his feeling for his primary and his feeling for you?

swingofthings · 26/11/2017 14:29

At least you are being honest with yourself but you do realise that the more attached you will become, the more hurtful and soul destroying it will be if/when the relationship doesn't evolve in that direction. How long do you think you can take of living on hope before you accept that it is doing more damage than good?

Original poster

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 14:30

Dad, I have no idea.

I asked if he loved her and he said "god no, we've only spent 30 days together in 2.5 years". And the most he says about her is "she's alright and fun on a night out", "I like redheads and she's ginger so i suppose she's my type".

Whereas he once spoke of an ex girlfriend as having "eyes you'd get lost in" and was obviously once in love with her by the way he said her name.

As for me, I dunno how he feels. He says I'm pretty, kind, pleasant, dilligent, that I'm honest. Not said anything about feelings but it's only been a month.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 14:32

swing I'm not sure. My last love was a FWB who never committed. It dragged on for a year until he suddenly committed to someone else and I found out via Facebook. He subsequently cheated on her with me. Now it's four years later and I'm only just accepting he will never pick me.

OP posts:

Olicity17 · 26/11/2017 14:35

So he doesnt love her. Only seen spent a month witb her in 2.5 years. In an open relationship.

But still considers her, his girlfriend.

You think you are perfect for eachother. But she is still his primary.

Something doesnt add up op.

I think he is playing down his feelings for her.

swingofthings · 26/11/2017 14:39

The worse is that it's not even a matter of being 'primary' or not, but the fact that he just isn't interested in committing at all. What would happen if he dumps her, says that he has more feelings for you than he thought, you think you've won and it was all worth it, then you discover that he is seeing someone else and when you confront him he says 'well you know I only do open relationships'.

BMW6 · 26/11/2017 14:39

I really don't think this relationship is healthy for you OP. Plus - you are hoping for "promotion" to exclusivity so why not tell him that ? He has been open and honest with you after all, so I think you should be too.
He may say OK, and you get your wish. If he says No thanks then you know he is not the one for you.

1DAD2KIDS · 26/11/2017 14:40

What does your gut say? Can you trust your gut (the reason I ask is because I lost trust in my apparently very wrong gut instincts in my last relationship)? Can you think of anyways you can try and get a better grasp of his intentions?

Also I would be very worried about wanting to be his primary if he says things and views his primary like that?

inamuddleagain · 26/11/2017 14:43

I think you need to look clearly at the timings here. You've been dating a month, and you've already become ill. If he's off in the spring anyway, then this is a short term relationship - 5 months in total. If it's causing you distress and to question your own values then it isn't worth it.

From my own experience as well, watch out for plausible talk about the benefits of open relationships which cause you to believe that any reservations you have are because of your own limitations, which can be overcome by self improvement (become more open minded/sophisticated/independent etc, and at the same time become ever more attractive so eventually he decides you're the best!). Your self esteem will suffer once you go down that path.

Finally, does he know that the situation is causing you upset? And yet he has no qualms himself? That would ring alarm bells about how much he is prepared to care for you.

BMW6 · 26/11/2017 14:45

Oh dear, just seen your earlier post about previous fwb relationship....... The whole point of fwb is that there is no commitment! Why on earth are you investing yourself in a succession of relationships that are most definitely not meant to go anywhere long term or exclusively!
FWB and open relationships are about sex. Not what you are seeking at all.

lottieandmia22 · 26/11/2017 14:49

This is a really horrible situation for you and you need to break free and get out if it. He’s already hurting you.

I would bet that his girlfriend knows nothing about their ‘open relationship’ at all. Some people don’t mind open relationships but IMO those people are few and far between. Whatever anyone says. It’s ok to want someone to commit to you and only you. You deserve someone who will do that for you instead of making it clear you’re only ever going to be his ‘side chick’.

Original poster

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 14:50

I dunno. Part of me thinks that if he suddenly dumped her and wanted me, I wouldn't know what to do with him.

I dated two men who dumped other women for me and my first reaction was "oh shit".

I seem to want more and also not want it at all, maybe I'm just messed up in the head.

OP posts:

lottieandmia22 · 26/11/2017 14:50

BMW - people go into FWB relationships knowing that’s what they are but they almost always get more complicated.

Original poster

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 14:53

BMW it wasn't set up as FWB. I thought we were dating and fell in love but he told me he didn't want a gf (previous man).

OP posts:

Original poster

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 14:54

Finally, does he know that the situation is causing you upset? And yet he has no qualms himself? That would ring alarm bells about how much he is prepared to care for you.

He has made it really clear it's up to me and checked in with me constantly at the beginning.

OP posts:

Olicity17 · 26/11/2017 14:55

Op i think you need a break from dating.

You seem to get involved in very complicated situations and dont come out of it well.

1DAD2KIDS · 26/11/2017 14:56

lottieandmia22 agreed FWB can often get more complicated and result in unbalanced expectations. That why honest, openness and communication are very important in FWB IMO.

Original poster

Pineappleundersea · 26/11/2017 14:59

My gut feeling is there is something between us and it is that feeling making me want to run, if I'm honest.

OP posts:

lottieandmia22 · 26/11/2017 14:59

What happens in FWB situations is that the other person thinks it buys their right to treat you with no respect. That is what happened to me.

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