Old friend who is married - fall in love - he "wants to leave but can't".. what would you think?

[lizzedays]

Met a friend from years back, who i used to date. he turned up one day at work and turns out he works for the same (huge) company. we have been in touch now since june, he has been married a year. nothing physical has happened though we have probably overstepped the friendship mark emotionally given that we have both told each other we love the other...

he wants to leave his wife, or at least says he does. he says it has been bad since they married, they have nothing in common. BUT, she has severe depression and he doesnt feel he can leave her without going through counselling and giving it his best shot as he is married.

i accepted this and we stopped talking. a few days later he is back in contact and says he doesnt know what to do, and that he wants to be with me and he knows his marriage will end but he is scared of divorcing and feels like a failure...still cares for his wife but doesnt love her, heads a mess etc.

woukd you believe him?

woukd you believe him?

Honestly? no I wouldn't. Sounds like a cliched excuse.

Nope, heard this, believed this, got burnt. Run for the hills!

i believe the reason, shes depressed (lots of evidence where that is concerned).

but if youre not in love, you leave, right

If you look for a reason to leave, you’ll always find one. The kids, the partner, a bad time of year, life stress, work stress, just waiting until some project or event has finished, depression...

If he wanted to leave, he would. It’s only been a year and maybe his wife would be less depressed if she wasn’t trying to make this work, or if he wasn’t playing away with you. Who knows.

At the end of the day, he’d leave if he really wanted to and you could never trust him because he’s shown his lack of trustworthiness and loyalty before you even start a relationship. You can’t realistically expect him to behave any better for you.

thanks anchor - needed to hear this.

Similar situation. Spent 5 years waiting for him to leave. He didn't. I met someone else and ended the relationship. He left but it was too late. Was so sad.

he left his wife when you found someone else?!

and how did you meet someone when you were so close to the married man? thats what im finding hard...but im at the stage i want to meet someone else

Well you need to go and meet someone else because this will only end in disaster for all involved.

thanks anchor - needed to hear this.

No worries. I know it’s rough I hope you can move on quickly and as painlessly as possible.

I would think he was an egotistical selfish man who was keeping you hanging on for his own happiness with no regard for yours.

If he cared about his wife he would commit to her or leave, not behave in a way which will probably harm her MH if she discovers it.

Whatever he feels for you, I wouldn't see a future in it. Please try to set yourself free.

I would think he was an egotistical selfish man who was keeping you hanging on for his own happiness with no regard for yours.

Agree with this post.

He doesn’t love you or he would be making efforts to leave. And he’d leave you alone until he was free.
And I wonder if his wife’s depression is anything to do with her H? I expect there’s a massive link.

Do yourself a favour and tell this man to leave you alone.

Sorry too many “leaves” there.

thanku

If he wanted to be with you he'd be with you.

This is only going to end in hurt. Your hurt. Walk away and leave him to sort his messy life.

Wouldn't you be depressed if your husband of just a year was trying to get into another woman's knickers and bad-mouthed you to that woman? OK, she might not know the details, but she'll know his attention is engaged elsewhere. Poor bloody woman.

Step away from the lying, cheating bastard and try and be a bit more of a sister in future.

Run

Take a big step back. (Massive one)

Let him do what he needs to do, get on with your life in the meantime. If he leaves under his own steam then fine. Right now he's being an asshole or a coward and I'm pretty sure you want neither.

They've been married just a year. So either he married her knowing she suffers from depression or she has only been suffering from depression for a short amount of time.

And yet 6 months into the marriage, he's pursuing another woman. Not supporting his new wife while she is struggling, actually making her life worse and stamping all over her psychological wellbeing. He is a wicked, nasty person who is doing wilful damage to his wife.

If any of what he says is true.

He has shown what a selfish and disloyal man he is. His poor wife is ill...whatever happened to through sickness and health? He sounds despicable. And you know he is married, yet conside being with him...do you really want to be that type of person?

He's been married a year? And been involved with you since June? What a waste a space.

What did he think they had in common when they were engaged and planning a wedding?

God, run for hills. What an utter and complete waste of space. Never, ever, ever get near him again. He loved someone enough to say vows to them, and then very quickly went to playing the field and bad mouthing them. You could be the next woman he says is too crazy for him to leave if you believe his nonsense.

that old chestnut.
you're being made a fool of.
walk away.

He's spinning you a yarn, a quick shag then after giving you another set of rubbish excuses, he'll be gone.....

You are worth more than this !!!

What he means is he wants to stay with his wife and shag you on the side.

Before you know it you’ll be doing the pick me dance and being his shoulder to cry on when he wants to talk about how he’s ‘trapped’ and his wife ‘doesn’t understand’.