Old friend who is married - fall in love - he "wants to leave but can't".. what would you think?

[lizzedays]

Met a friend from years back, who i used to date. he turned up one day at work and turns out he works for the same (huge) company. we have been in touch now since june, he has been married a year. nothing physical has happened though we have probably overstepped the friendship mark emotionally given that we have both told each other we love the other...

he wants to leave his wife, or at least says he does. he says it has been bad since they married, they have nothing in common. BUT, she has severe depression and he doesnt feel he can leave her without going through counselling and giving it his best shot as he is married.

i accepted this and we stopped talking. a few days later he is back in contact and says he doesnt know what to do, and that he wants to be with me and he knows his marriage will end but he is scared of divorcing and feels like a failure...still cares for his wife but doesnt love her, heads a mess etc.

woukd you believe him?

Can't add to the advice but just to counteract the skiddy underpants thing, washing underpants is not a sign of love. I've never washed underpants in my life and don't intend to unless my partner fell ill.

If I did wash his pants, I suspect I'd still want to be in a relationship with him. I don't think mistresses can be scared off with threats of how unpleasant their future laundry will be, considering that a) they don't have to do it and b) loving wives manage it fine.

thanks for the replies. they are helping. xx

My husband has always done his own washing too, Morris, and on the rare occasions I’ve added some of his pants to make up a wash, they have been skid-free. “Able to wipe his own arse properly” seems like a fairly minimal requirement in a life partner.

I don't think mistresses can be scared off with threats of how unpleasant their future laundry will be

yeah this one always makes me a bit too!

My exh had many faults, but not being able to do the laundry and skiddy pants were not amongst them!

Op please stop allowing him to spend every evening with you. For goodness sake he’s married. Why would you allow that?

His behaviour towards his ill wife is dispicable.

"We have probably overstepped the friendship mark emotionally given that we have both told each other we love the other..."

You think????????

Why do you want to be with someone who can act like this with 2 women? His wifes got depression - any wonder being married to him. And how nice & supportive of him to stay with her but start a relationship with you.

Get rid asap
He has NOTHING to offer you. NOTHING

(skiddy underpants added purely for illustrative purposes).

You know what I mean. Love can flourish easily when you only deal with a person on their best behaviour/trying their hardest. When your ideal partner suddenly reveals themselves to have feet of clay, like every other living human, it can be a let down, and suddenly that love can be revealed for the illusion it is.

"Please tell me there are better man out there" well yes, but you're not going to find a good man if you pick one who's married and treating his wife like shit are you.

Nope. Hes a lying bastard and he is spinning you a yarn. If he wanted to leave he would.

Hes an awful person but you're also a shitty person for doing what you are doing especially if you know she is suffering with her mental health. She doesn't need kicking whilst she is down.

If he does leave his wife for you, I hope she goes on to be the happiest she has ever been because you have done her a favour and then you're stuck with a cheating twat who treats you the way he is treating his poor wife.

Walk away.

Hth.

There are many, many better men out there. Ones with morals, consideration and respect for other people, loyalty, kindness - the list is endless. He is deficient on all of these and probably more. Seriously why would you want to end up with someone like this?

Why you're getting flowers, and... Yeah, its so tough hon.... I don't know.

You sit with her husband night after night, wringing your hands together about your star crossed love, while she's at home, with depression, married only a year?

You're a pair of pathetic shitbags, I hope you make each other truly fucking miserable.

He is not a good person. This is not how good people behave. He has absolutely no regard for his wife’s feelings being with you until Midnight. And im not convinced youve not touched each other either.

Quite frankly he sounds like he is punishing his wife.

Bastard I don't disagree, but until the OP realises it herself, then she will just believe that we don't understand.

Men who behave like this can be very convincing. Particularly if you have feelings for them. It's very hard to push someone away when they appear to be offering you something you want and you feel like you are in love with them.

The OP doesn't need to be lambasted, she needs to realise that he's a shit.

I know that the first time I ever experienced this, I was 19 and he was 33, I had no idea it was something that men did! I felt sorry for him. I believed him. I was naive... I'm now 43 and I have run out of fingers and toes to count on the number of men who've told me similar tales. They get pretty short shrift nowadays, but not in the beginning.

She can deal with her own conscience herself afterwards.

The issue here isn't what a total cheating by numbers cunt this man is, it is how complicit you are prepared to be in his cuntiness.

The "Oh no we mustn't!" pantomime you are both engaged in right now - where you inch further and further across the bullshit boundaries you're setting yourselves each night - is part of the thrill for him. For you too, if you're honest. It's all so deliciously melodramatic and fraught.

But it really isn't. He's looking for someone to fuck because he is no longer interested in being faithful to his wife. If you will not fuck him he will find someone else to be helplessly drawn to. Your shared history, your 'friendship' and the magical way you just get him will evaporate like his conscience as soon as you put the brakes on a physical affair.

You are not special. You are not his destiny. He is not yours. You are just the person his sights are set on right now. Be a decent person and send him packing.

Men who behave like this can be very convincing

What , to women who have no morals? It’s easy- don’t go near married men full stop, brush them off

No- I wouldn’t.

Yep, not shagging someone else’s spouse is the very lowest of bars in terms of decent behaviour. Don’t let it be too high for you.

He doesn't want to leave, or he would.

What , to women who have no morals? It’s easy- don’t go near married men full stop, brush them off

Or women who have low self esteem.

Or women who've been brought up to do as they are told.

Or women who don't realise this is a common thing and feel sorry for them trapped in an unhappy marriage.

Or women who've been fed, and believed, the true love story and believe that he married the wrong woman.

Or women who've internalised a misogynistic narrative and believe that the men are fragile and women hold the responsibility of keeping the marriage together and if she has failed to do that, then she only has herself to blame.

Or women who just want to believe that they have met someone who loves them.

Or, yes, women who like the sense of oneupmanship they have over another woman and was able to 'get' their man.

But just shouting at the OP would only push her further towards him if no one else understood. She needed to be shown that this isn't a true love story and that many of us have a tale or two (or 20+) of our own to tell regarding declarations of love made by other women's husbands.

She will learn and she will spot it straight away next time.

The poor wife at home, though, and her husband who will just find someone else to try this with, she's another story.

These are excuses for doing wrong. Don’t entertain the affections of a married man. It’s pretty basic. You wouldn’t get in that deep if you just say one simple word to respect yourself.

“No”

I’ve been face to face with that sob story, loneliness, previous abuse, needing someone. Plenty fish and all that, he is not yours to have.

Also you aren’t any friend to anyone if you aren’t a friend of their marriage and encourage the guy to bloody wise up and look out for his ill wife!

I can't get over the fact that for a month, night after night you've had him with you until midnight. And you have the balls to trot out the line that you haven't done anything... so that's OK
How you can look yourself in the mirror I don't know.
In fact - why not stick a post it note on your mirror that says "how is Arsehole's Wife feeling RIGHT NOW?" and then maybe when you come back from the loo tomorrow night you'll bring with you some morals and sons shame, and send him straight home?

Some people do leave, some people don't leave. But you need to step back and start looking after your own life. All this time he's spending with you, is time you could spend meeting other people and having a proper relationship

These are excuses for doing wrong.

I'm not saying any of them are justifiable, just that these are the possible reasons why a woman might not say "no" immediately.

I don't think there are ever any excuses for cheating. I wouldn't give a second chance to a partner who cheated. I've never been an affair partner and I wouldn't ever seek one.

But I think to just get angry and shout "just say no" fails to consider the reasons why someone might be ok with doing it. And it's not always because they're an awful person, even if their behaviours are pretty shitty.

It's always far more effective to hold a mirror up to a situation and allow someone to see it for themselves than to just tell them they're wrong.