Old friend who is married - fall in love - he "wants to leave but can't".. what would you think?

[lizzedays]

Met a friend from years back, who i used to date. he turned up one day at work and turns out he works for the same (huge) company. we have been in touch now since june, he has been married a year. nothing physical has happened though we have probably overstepped the friendship mark emotionally given that we have both told each other we love the other...

he wants to leave his wife, or at least says he does. he says it has been bad since they married, they have nothing in common. BUT, she has severe depression and he doesnt feel he can leave her without going through counselling and giving it his best shot as he is married.

i accepted this and we stopped talking. a few days later he is back in contact and says he doesnt know what to do, and that he wants to be with me and he knows his marriage will end but he is scared of divorcing and feels like a failure...still cares for his wife but doesnt love her, heads a mess etc.

woukd you believe him?

Believe him.

I.e believe him that he ‘can’t leave’. He is actually telling you that he isn’t leaving her. Whether because he loves her, wants her to recover and the marriage to be repaired, or he has a strong sense of duty is immaterial. ‘Can’t leave’ is his way of keeping you on a string while not leaving.

My friend had an actual affair for 5 years with a ‘can’t leave ‘ guy. She ‘supported’ him and respected his need to stay in the marital home with his children. His wife eventually ended the marriage, and, free at last to run to the open arms of my friend he ran off with yet another woman instead.

Step away. If he DOES ever leave, Well you can see how you feel and start again. If you do wish.

'Going through the motions' pretending to support his wife but not really engaged or caring about her? That is worse than leaving her. If what he is saying is true, this could be contributing to her depression, he is disengaged but lying ti her and pretending. She will feel confused and that there is something wrong. All the while trying to set up his get out with you. He is no hero.

Wow. He spends every night with you. Leaving his depressed wife alone at home wondering where the hell he is presumably. He is an absolute shit house.

his answer is that he feels he has to 'go through the motions' and not just give up, even though he apparently knows they will not last

I mean, if there’s even a grain of truth in that, it makes him an absolute tosser. Not only does he not love his depressed wife; but he’s going to pretend to try? Who is that benefiting?!

Sadly what he says or how much time he spends with you is irrelevant - it’s likely to be the thrill of the chase; of making you believe he loves you and getting you to give in despite knowing he’s married to someone else.

what you say is true, while i dont feel i lured him, i know that i can very easily be busy and not be with him each evening. looking at it from the outside, he really is an awful person and with no DC he could end that right now if he wanted to

His wife eventually ended the marriage, and, free at last to run to the open arms of my friend he ran off with yet another woman instead

I've heard of this happening before.

I think that, ultimately, no one is going to respect a woman who puts her life on hold for 5 years, waiting for a man to throw her crumbs of affection or affirmation. Why would he leave his marriage and take up with someone who thinks so little of themselves that they would accept this?

That is the reality.

When I discovered my exh's affair, he really struggled. He had therapy. He cried. He tried to come back. He tried to flip flop between us... (I didn't encourage that) and in the end he 'chose' her (not that he had a choice) because he felt that he had to "make the best of a bad situation".

Do not be that woman, OP, just don't.

You’ve just said yourself you think he’s genuine but also a liar.....even if he does leave his wife to be with you, will you ever truly trust him? Block him, move on. Otherwise you will get your heart broken.

he really is an awful person and with no DC he could end that right now if he wanted to

He is and he could.

Tbh, my focus here is less about him and his marriage, and more about you seeing that you are worth more.

Their marriage is their business, his feeling are his business, what you want in a relationship and out of life is yours.

Run for the hills OP. I was in this situation once, was stuck for years liking him and putting up with whatever scraps of attention from him I could get. I got all the ‘lines’, absolutely classic. When I moved on I never heard from him for over 10 years. As it happens his marriage has just ended and I’m single. Guess who he wants to start ‘dating’ now?

How can he 'love' you, he doesn't know you! Have you spent any 'real' time together? Washed his skiddy underpants? Has he sat by your bed whilst you snort your way through a snotty cold?

Beware of 'love' that comes only out of the best moments...

He won’t leave her. He’s telling you this. Step away OP. It will be painful of course for both of you because you have feelings for each other. But absolutely no good can come of this. I’ve been in this situation but as the cheater. It’s utterly selfish and an abuse of the other person.
Tell him not to contact you. Give yourself some space and time. Only then will you be open to finding a new and committed relationship that you deserve.

Haven't read the thread fully.

No wonder his wife is depressed and his marriage is on the rocks if he's investing time in other places.

He won't leave his wife because he would have done it by now if he was serious.

He's using you I'm afraid. He's using you to escape the real world. You are not his real world but sadly for you he is becoming your real world. It's situations like this where you will be left high and dry, hurt, upset and he will go back to his wife or find someone else to escape to.

Back away. He's no good. He's not invested in any relationship. He's cheating on his wife while pretending to care about the marriage and going to couples Counsellling 🙄. Nobody would do this unless they wanted to keep the other person!

He's full of the "my wife doesn't understand me like you do" "were like sister and brother" "I can't leave her while she's depressed" "I wish I could be with you" etc etc.

It's all excuses. He goes home to her. He eats their. He sleeps in their bed every night and he will probably have sex with her. He keeps you as his entertainment. I'm sorry op but your being treated terribly by him. How dare he manipulate your feelings for his gain.

I've been where you are and it's the most miserable place you can be!

I can't believe you are so lacking in empathy to another human beings that you can cheerfully sit with this man until midnight most nights knowing his wife is at home, possibly her depression being that she's married a man who tells her he doesn't love her and spends all his time away from her yet dangles her on a lead with counselling and saying he wants to 'try at it'. What kind of person are you? My heart aches for her. What is wrong with you? You are colluding in the emotional torture of this woman. Take a look at yourself. Don't become as worthless a person as he is. Get out before he warps your perceptions even more. You talk about her depression as a reason that of course he should get out. No he should SUPPORT her. And he is the fucking cause no doubt. Ugh this all sickens me. One day you'll get married and maybe then the feelings of how hideous this is will actually come upon you.

I've not read the full thread (yet) but, remember, if he will cheat FOR you, he will cheat ON you and what you have/are doing is most certainly cheating.

His poor wife, to be married to such a man and shame on you OP. Knowing he was married, you should never have entertained the type of relationship you have with this man, build a friendship - yes, overstep the boundaries of a platonic friendship - no.

You are equally as bad as each other. Walk away now.

For what it's worth also, he's never going to leave his wife for you, he's spinning you a yarn to get into your knickers.

Sorry if I sound harsh OP.

Most people would be depressed if they were married to a person like this. What is wrong with you that are you enabling and encouraging this cruelty?

Just think OP what you'd feel for a friend if they came to you saying their new husband was distant, stayed out all the time and had told them he didn't love them and try and apply a little of that sympathy to her. He's making you think of her as some obstacle rather than a hurting human being.

You need to take a massive step back.
No contact and move on with your life.
If he ever becomes available, you can consider whether to have a relationship then. But my guess I when the rose coloured specs of infatuation come off, you'll realise he's been manipulating and treating both you and his wife badly. He's not the tortured ro.antic victim he is portraying.

And here we have another woman who knows damn fine the guy is married, yet some are peddling around her saying “you’ve been played”

No you’ve not. You’re a grown adult having an an emotional affair with a man who made vows to a woman “in sickness and in health” yet the poor woman is suffering from depression, no wonder when you are with him til midnight. The woman must be in bits. Wondering wtf is going on with her husband.

Cut it out. Any woman who gets involved with a man and knows they have a wife is just as bad in my eyes. You’re a home wrecker.

totally accept the comments made. i trusted in him and thought it was something diffierent and it isnt. i needed to hear all this though! hes cruel, to me but mostly to her. tell me there are better men out there? i think what is wrong with me is i expect all men to do this, because i am constantly asked out by married men at work and through my work... it has become the norm. unfortunately i had a spark withthis one

A friend of mine suffers from crippling depression and anxiety. I didn’t particularly like her husband when they got married but he is so kind and patient and supportive when she is ill that it’s completely changed my view of him. It is love in action.

Haven't RTFT but I've been in his shoes, or at least the shoes he's claiming to wear. The difference is I knew my relationship was dead and was making every step possible to end our relationship/marriage in the most sympathetic way as whilst for me it was a long time coming, for my XH it was a total surprise. No way would I be carrying on with others, emotionally or physically during that time.

I can relate to not wanting to be divorced. It sounds stupid now but as a mid twenty something it felt like the biggest failure of my life. Technically we could have annulled given the sorry state of our relationship, but even in it's death throes I tried to appease my XH who didn't want the embarrassment of others finding out what a sham our relationship was so we sat out the required two year wait so we could divorce amicably. We we're separated throughout that time, but it wasn't until just before the final papers came through that I felt ready to bring someone into my life again.

Having lived through going through with a wedding that I knew was wrong, purely to make the other person happy, and knowing first hand the strain MH puts on even the healthiest of relationships I don't doubt that others have a similar story to me. But it does seem that this guy is wavering somewhat and as such you'd be best off cutting him free until he's in a better headspace, and more importantly, actually available to pursue something if you so wish.

At best - if he's that conflicted and drawn to you, that is for HIM to sort out. He should not be dumping his messy emotions on you lizziedays!

Love does sometimes strike out of the blue when someone's already married but the decent thing is to disentangle yourself and then start the new relationship and not to dump all your angst on your prospective new partner. That's not the act of an adult man, that's the act of a player and irresponsible person

At worst the last month he has spent every night with me until midnight when he goes home. why would someone do that who wasnt genuine? i

sheesh, his poor wife. Why would he do that? because he wants to fuck you! I guarentee that if you gave way, you'd see less and less of him til midnight.

tell me there are better men out there?

There are. There really are.

Agreed that a shit load of married men try it on though just because you're single. Ugh. Completely get it that it's hard to trust the whole species, sometimes, though that's very unfair!