Old friend who is married - fall in love - he "wants to leave but can't".. what would you think?

[lizzedays]

Met a friend from years back, who i used to date. he turned up one day at work and turns out he works for the same (huge) company. we have been in touch now since june, he has been married a year. nothing physical has happened though we have probably overstepped the friendship mark emotionally given that we have both told each other we love the other...

he wants to leave his wife, or at least says he does. he says it has been bad since they married, they have nothing in common. BUT, she has severe depression and he doesnt feel he can leave her without going through counselling and giving it his best shot as he is married.

i accepted this and we stopped talking. a few days later he is back in contact and says he doesnt know what to do, and that he wants to be with me and he knows his marriage will end but he is scared of divorcing and feels like a failure...still cares for his wife but doesnt love her, heads a mess etc.

woukd you believe him?

If he wanted to be with you he'd be with you.

It really is that simple

My aunt is her husband's third wife. He left the first for the second (who was my aunt's best friend) then had an affair with my aunt. Married her, has had at least one MAJOR affair that everyone knows of, probably more. These men are all the same. If he was with you he'd be trying to get his dick wet with the next one. Don't be a mug.

If his wife had another illness instead of depression, such as cancer; would you still think what you're doing is ok because he 'loves you?' It's point blank unacceptable to date a married man. Just immoral. If he does ever get with you, he'll undoubtedly do the same to you... when you're at your most vulnerable. Maybe you'll be pregnant, ill or otherwise.

'Being in love' (infatuated) does not trump commitment.

What would I do

Tell him
Him to not get in contact with me until he is free to have a relationship that doesn't need to be hidden

If he doesn't get in contact fine

If he does then take it from there

If he says well how will I know your still free - tell him it doesn't matter as if he's in the wrong relationship then he needs to set his wife free to be happy

OP is now dismissing all sensible posts having read Crushlush's story. She's now homing in on that as it has given her hope that her sorry tale may turn out the same.

I know someone who always went for attached men. It was quite clearly a need to be chosen over someone else which drove her, but she was probably the only person who couldn’t see that.

Of course lizzedays wants her story to turn out the same. When you're head over heels like that you ignore the red flags, alas. From the outside it's easy to see the problems with this man. He's rushed into marriage without taking the commital seriously. He's demonising a woman suffering from depression. He's staying out til midnight while his wife is left sitting at home wondering if he's with another woman and how he can treat her so coldly - maybe blaming herself, as he obviously thinks it is her fault. And he's got another woman hanging on to shreds of hope while he decides what to do. Easy to see that as not a great potential partner from the outside...

I'm flummoxed at the OPs story, bearing in mind on 19 November she posted this thread:

a year into marriage, going to counselling, saying they love someone else who isnt their husband....

why is my friend not leaving her husband? she tells me all the time she loves another man, she has no kids with husband, she is, 75% of the time, away from home and gets back late after work. she isnt happy. apparently wants the other man. would have broken up with husband ages ago if they werent married. etc etc etc

it is driving me crazy to listen to. why would she behave like this?

Wouldn't be the first time someone posted something and switched the roles for anonymity/distance.

Star Indeed. Or to try and get validation for her behaviour on the new thread having not got it on the first one. Must be overjoyed to have had Crush turn up on this one

Glad to be of service

Lots of people on here post from another point of view, maybe to help them try and understand. It's an anonymous forum.
I don't think it changes much.
It's very hard to leave someone who is suffering from depression. And none of us know why his why has depression. Or how it manifests itself. So we can't really say he has caused it

Anyway the overwhelming advice is to go NC it will help you to move on one way or another.

@shatnerswig LOL

or
i just cant understand how someone can complain so much about their marriage and not get divorced?
Yeah I know , right?.....

By the sounds of your workplace you're all just a bunch of
irresponsible homewreckers who cant stay out of each others private lives and marriages...or it's just you creating a story for a different view.

Ah, Animation, you've read the OPs third thread too. Yes, I just couldn't be bothered to post that one, it was far too long. Amazing what goes on in their workplace. All these "friends" cheating on their partners she seems to know.