Old friend who is married - fall in love - he "wants to leave but can't".. what would you think?

[lizzedays]

Met a friend from years back, who i used to date. he turned up one day at work and turns out he works for the same (huge) company. we have been in touch now since june, he has been married a year. nothing physical has happened though we have probably overstepped the friendship mark emotionally given that we have both told each other we love the other...

he wants to leave his wife, or at least says he does. he says it has been bad since they married, they have nothing in common. BUT, she has severe depression and he doesnt feel he can leave her without going through counselling and giving it his best shot as he is married.

i accepted this and we stopped talking. a few days later he is back in contact and says he doesnt know what to do, and that he wants to be with me and he knows his marriage will end but he is scared of divorcing and feels like a failure...still cares for his wife but doesnt love her, heads a mess etc.

woukd you believe him?

This is what my ex told hs OW, same as all the rest of them.

A lot of it was complete bollocks. But what I do believe might be true is that when we were talking about getting married and having children, he may well have had doubts, and not told me them. I only found out about those doubts (if he did have them at the time) when our youngest was 15. In the context of him saying that I "made" him marry and have children.

I let mine go off to his OW, but I don't think that she's got a good deal out of it. She now has this man who pretends to go along with what his partner wants because he is too weak-willed to disagree, then blames it on her.

Think hard about why his wife might be depressed.

Having once many years ago got involved in a shitty, dishonourable situation myself, I'm not going to get into what this means about you and this bloke as people because I don't know the back story.

What I will say is what the counsellor said to me while I went to get help about the horrible situation I'd waded into:

1. There are three people in your relationship, not two. Anything you feel for this man, or he feels for you is currently only in the context of his wife. Your nose is pressed up against the sweet shop window of what you can't have because his wife is in the relationship too. This will blind you to some things, heighten others. You have no idea what you'd feel if there were just two of you and nor does he. It isn't real.

2. Of course there are exceptions, but generally guilt, distress and other people's misery is not good starting point for a decent relationship and (if this man did leave his wife for you) would cast a long shadow.

3. If this man needs to end this marriage, he should do it alone. To be happy in the future, he needs to work out what got him into this situation and to grieve for the end of this marriage.

4. I am sure what must be playing on your mind is that this is your only chance of 'true love'

The only way it ever could be is you leave now, completely cut him off, tell him to go to his wife and work with her to whatever conclusion this relationship needs to come to. You get out there, date, achieve whatever you want to. Theoretically, this man comes back into your life five years down the line, divorced and you are single. Then, just maybe, that would be the chance of something real - and it probably won't happen. But if you continue staying with this man now, and it turns into a sexual relationship, you really risk the most horrible, destructive bitterness. Please protect yourself from that.

I'm afraid you are, at the moment helping (by being available for all this) this man to treat his wife appallingly. It is so sad to think that while she's depressed, and suffering, he is just leaving her at home while he stays out until midnight every night to get comfort for himself. What kind of person does that make him?

Can you imagine, if you were with him...and then you suffered a bout of depression, or any other illness, because it can happen to anyone you know. You already know how he would handle it don't you. He would be all about helping to cheer himself up, rather than supporting you through your illness. The one person who you need to be able to count on, just starts being more and more absent...because they are out cheering themselves up by being in the company of another woman... Can you see that he isn't very good at love, or loyalty. Imagine he was your partner, you were ill, and he discussed you in this way with someone else, basically telling them he had to stay with you...even though he didn't want to...

OP, please don't waste your love on someone who can treat another human being like this.

He's with you every night until midnight, but you haven't had sex.

I honestly don't understand. Are you guys just fooling around a lot so that he goes home with a hard on? And you honestly believe that he isn't then having fantastic sex with her, may be while thinking about you?

The whole situation is sick. And you are part of it. Gross.

And asking if there are better men? Most men are better, even though a lot of them can be kinda shitty, selfish, or messy. They are still better than him. He is the bottom of the barrel.

What saturday Night at the Movies and crzyhead said

Another one here who’s been in this sort of ‘relationship’. He said much the same stuff as everyone else has already mentioned, although his was a marriage arranged by their families which made it all easier to believe.

3 years of my life I mooned over him, it was the closest I’ve ever come to being really depressed. A few years ago I met someone else and I can’t believe how much happier I am to be the only woman in his life.

If you want any chance of peace and happiness, you HAVE to walk away from him now. IF his marriage is as bad as he says, you being there for him in this way is actually keeping him in it, as the distraction is making a bad situation tolerable and propping it up. If you remove yourself from the marriage then they’ll either sort it out properly or split up.

Looking back, I swerved out of just this situation. I was in my mid 20s and single and a former work colleague I had known for a few years suddenly revealed his 'feelings' for me, a few days before his wedding to his fiance and mother of his 2 kids. I didn't think it was sleazy as he was clever and funny, but not particularly good looking. I agonized over it but nothing happened. A couple of months later i ran into him (sober) at another party. He said he was looking for a good time to leave his new wife as it it was not right for him and he still loved me. Again i agonized. I had been single for a long time and i thought he was great, but again, nothing happened.

So now 15 years later what is the situation? He had 2 more kids with his wife and is still with her. I guess he didn't find a good time to leave her after all. I moved on, and met my lovely husband and got married with no complications.

There are lots of different stories but I think the common theme is that you need to end it with him.

I was the OW, newly single myself, he had been married less than a year (no DCs).

Started as a physical thing, his marriage was sexless (I know from her that this was true), in my marriage sex had been coercive. We fell in love, he said he wanted to be with me but wouldn't leave as he 'loved us both' (yeah right!).

I told him if he really wanted to be with me then he would be (thanks to MN) and I Iost respect for him for treating her so badly - be the 'bad guy', let her go so she can be with someone who really loves her.

So, I ended it, went NC and dated other people. A year later he left her and we started over as, fortunately for him, I hadn't fallen for anyone else.

He's the love of my life and we are very happy.

I was in your situation a long time ago, OP.

Eventually woke up and realised he wasn’t going to leave her, told him it had to end and went completely no contact. It hurt but no communication at all helped - like ripping a plaster off quickly.

As far as I know (mutual friends), they’re still together. I’m still single - but much happier alone than building fantasies of a non-existent future with a liar.

crushlush im asking you about your story (probably because im clinging on to the idea that this is as real as it feels, i admit).

what did he do for that year? right now and after reading all these posts im going to tell him we are not seeing each other until he is at the very least officially separated and living apart from his wife. my question is, if he stayed with him wife for another year after you ended things, did you not feel like that was you ending up as second best? presumably he was trying to make the marriage work, and if he loved you, why? did you speak at all during the year apart?

also i think it would make me question how serious he was about me, to have gone through another birthday, anniversary, christmas etc with his wife when he had said he loved me.

His poor, poor wife, hardly surprising she's depressed being married to such a sleazy lothario.
You appear to have no qualms about him being married, seeing him every night until midnight white his wife sits at home. Don't you have any morals op?
You're flattering yourself that unavailable men fall for you; I don't feel in the slightest bit sorry for you, you reap what you sow.
Grow up and stop fantasising about 'what if'' he'll just carry on stringing you along like some lovelorn puppy.

what did he do for that year? right now and after reading all these posts im going to tell him we are not seeing each other until he is at the very least officially separated and living apart from his wife. my question is, if he stayed with him wife for another year after you ended things, did you not feel like that was you ending up as second best? presumably he was trying to make the marriage work, and if he loved you, why? did you speak at all during the year apart?

Posted too soon - I'll be right back...

i accept the not so nice posts and deserve them. i came here for honest views. it isnt in my nature to do something like this, at least i never have before, and although we havent been physical, i know we have completely overstepped the mark. it is still hard though, it isnt like i went oit if my way to find an unavaliable man

what did he do for that year? right now and after reading all these posts im going to tell him we are not seeing each other until he is at the very least officially separated and living apart from his wife. my question is, if he stayed with him wife for another year after you ended things, did you not feel like that was you ending up as second best? presumably he was trying to make the marriage work, and if he loved you, why?

During that year he came to terms with what he had to do and why, started therapy to help with that and admitted to his wife that he was unhappy. He wasn't trying to make his marriage work, he was working out how to end it causing the least possible hurt, he felt very bad that in less than a year it had failed (they had been together for a long time before marrying).

I didn't/don't feel second best at all. I have strong self esteem and if he hadn't chosen to leave then it would've been his failing not mine. He would've been a weak and cowardly man and not the man I wanted to be with anyway.

We didn't re-start our relationship until he was separated and living apart from his wife (he left immediately he told her it was over).

did you speak at all during the year apart?

After a period of several months totally NC we did meet occasionally for dinner or coffee (like friends - nothing physical) but were NC in between which was several weeks at a time.

also i think it would make me question how serious he was about me, to have gone through another birthday, anniversary, christmas etc with his wife when he had said he loved me.

It was very hard but it didn't make me question how he felt about me.

thanks for your reply crushlush

you said this: if he hadn't chosen to leave then it would've been his failing not mine. He would've been a weak and cowardly man and not the man I wanted to be with anyway.

this is almost word for word what i said to my friend earlier today and i strongly believe it.

he has said to me he wants to end the relationship and what he is doing right now is working out the best way to do that. it is difficult to fully believe someone who says that but then proceeds to take time leaving though, dont you agree? my friend IRL was strangely supportive of him and said he sounded like he was trying to do the right thing. obviously that isnt the view of the majority of posters here and i can see why.

did his wife know he had been with you at any point?

i suppose the bottom line is that we cant be together now so i should walk away and what wil be will be

How old are you
Do you want children
Do you want to spend a Christmas alone
Birthday alone
Lots of us have been here. At the moment you are helping him stay

it is difficult to fully believe someone who says that but then proceeds to take time leaving though, dont you agree?

No, I understood, I didn't like it, but I understood. The received wisdom is that if a MM is going to leave they will do so within a few months, which just isn't true.

my friend IRL was strangely supportive of him and said he sounded like he was trying to do the right thing.

I had two close RL friends who were very supportive of him and therefore me.

obviously that isnt the view of the majority of posters here and i can see why.

Yes, there are exceptions to the general rules but that's what they are, exceptions so most people won't have experienced them. Also, many people like life to be black and white, but it's not, it's more complex than that.

did his wife know he had been with you at any point?

No, we lived quite far apart and had no mutual contacts. He wanted to keep me out of it - the failure of his marriage was nothing to do with me, just the timing of the end.

I suppose the bottom line is that we cant be together now so i should walk away and what will be will be

Yes, walk away, get on with your life. There's no need to try to convince yourself it's forever. Just don't put your life on hold. Get on with it, time will pass and if he becomes available you'll either be over him by then or you won't. And if he doesn't, you'll get over him eventually (the sooner you start the sooner that will be).

I'm glad I had other relationships, looking back at them I could see he really was what I wanted and that it wan't just that it was illicit (another thing trotted out as 'fact' - if it's an affair, it can't possibly be real love 'it's all just the thrill of it').

PM me if you like.

At the moment you are helping him stay

This is very true, you are making his situation more bearable. He needs to know he can't have his cake and eat it with you. If that's what he wants, let him find someone else to do it with.

did you not feel like that was you ending up as second best?

He knew you and he MARRIED her. He asked her (not you) to marry him. He helped plan a wedding, and a honeymoon. He showed up, and said his vows to her (not you). At some point, he had lots of sex with her (and most likely still is).

And he knew you all that time. You will always be second best if you stay with him.

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to help you open your eyes so that you get away from his nasty little lies and the way he uses women.

Why did you guys break up the first time you were dating?

Why do you keep bringing up his wife's depression as if that somehow makes what you are doing more acceptable?

he has said to me he wants to end the relationship and what he is doing right now is working out the best way to do that. it is difficult to fully believe someone who says that but then proceeds to take time leaving though, dont you agree?

In this time you need to be as far apart from him as you can.

This is HIS shit to sort out. The more you are involved supporting / being his emotional escape and dumping ground, the less likely you are to end up together.

IF, if he's for real he has to sort out his old life then begin a new one with you. So for now, you need to step well away and tell him that if there is a future, it'll be after he's left her and been apart for quite a few months to get over the process of ending a relationship. You might be around, or you might not.

The point it, he has to sort out his stuff before even thinking of committing to you. You'd be a fool to commit to him right now, or for some time to come.

right now and after reading all these posts im going to tell him we are not seeing each other until he is at the very least officially separated and living apart from his wife

Wow!!!

do you still actually not a shit about this ill woman? Walk the fuck away. For good! LEARN FROM THIS MISTAKE!

Do you think he’s a nice guy?
I mean he’s really supporting the woman he made vows to, in sickness and in health.

You are actually thinking there’s a chance of a future?

Good luck with this POS , you deserve each other!