Old friend who is married - fall in love - he "wants to leave but can't".. what would you think?

[lizzedays]

Met a friend from years back, who i used to date. he turned up one day at work and turns out he works for the same (huge) company. we have been in touch now since june, he has been married a year. nothing physical has happened though we have probably overstepped the friendship mark emotionally given that we have both told each other we love the other...

he wants to leave his wife, or at least says he does. he says it has been bad since they married, they have nothing in common. BUT, she has severe depression and he doesnt feel he can leave her without going through counselling and giving it his best shot as he is married.

i accepted this and we stopped talking. a few days later he is back in contact and says he doesnt know what to do, and that he wants to be with me and he knows his marriage will end but he is scared of divorcing and feels like a failure...still cares for his wife but doesnt love her, heads a mess etc.

woukd you believe him?

Honestly, it's a tale as old as time.

I've had more than one married man try this one on with me.

They think you'll feel sorry for them, they think you'll be flattered, they think you'll work extra hard to show them how differently you'd treat them than their wife...

You tell them to fuck off; politely "no thanks"; or say nothing, just block and never speak to them again.

Take his wife out of it for a second, what you don't do, if you have any self respect, is fall for it.

Some mariages are crap and after years people realise they've grown apart or fallen out of love. Some people hang in there until they meet someone worth upsetting the applecart for...

But this talk of fear of divorce and depression, and for them to only have been married for a year? This man is bullshitting you.

He doesn't want to leave his wife. He has explicitly told you that. Ok, he's dressed it up as "doesn't feel he can" but the take-home is the same.

So what is he suggesting? Once you strip away the angst and the feelings and the drama and the pretty words?

He is saying that he wants you both - his wife to be married to, and you to have sex with. Is that a deal you'd be happy with? To become the bit on the side for a married man, to sneak around and waste a few years of your life as someone's dirty little secret?

I suggest you spend some time on loveshacks "other woman" board so you can get a good idea of what he has in mind for you.

Tell him you can't be with him in this situation. Tell him you want to stop the relationship but if he decides to leave his wife to get back in touch with you when he does. Until then, stay away from him and hopefully you'll meet someone single because I doubt very much that'll he'll leave her.

I doubt very much that'll he'll leave her.

Even if he did, would you really want to be with someone who treats his wife with so little respect?

They've only been married for a year. He could have stopped the wedding process at any time if he'd really been unhappy.

This poor woman is saddled with this faithless shit for, potentially, the rest of her life. Don't be too keen to take her place.

I’ve been in this sort of situation. We both had feelings for each other; I was single, and I knew he was unhappy in his marriage (I knew this before anything ever went on between us so not just a line) - there were issues that made it hard to leave her (again, all genuine, but surmountable in my opinion) - told him I wasn’t interested in a married man and he if wanted me he had to leave. He didn’t. I met someone else. Then he left. But it was too late.

I’m happier with the second guy, obviously, who isn’t a coward or a wannabe cheat, and I think the first man is much better off out of his toxic marriage (no DC), but it wasn’t an easy time. If only he could have faced up to reality and left earlier, we would have stood a chance, but there was a lot of heartbreak and emotion for nothing in the end.

a few days later he is back in contact and says he doesnt know what to do, and that he wants to be with me and he knows his marriage will end but he is scared of divorcing and feels like a failure...still cares for his wife but doesnt love her, heads a mess etc.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Shag you while married to her.

It's so tragically obvious.

And I have no doubt her depression is being massively exacerbated by his behaviour.

All sounds like too much hassle.

I would focus not being "in love" with him.

And yes, this is something you have control over, if you try hard enough.

these replies are so helpful, thanku!

i know i will be clouded in my views, but i do know for a fact that he isnt lying about his wifes depression, and they definitely do go to counselling and i know he has told her he no longer loves her. we have mutual friends going way back and all this was apparent right from the start.

however, i know that doesnt change any of what anyone has posted. he could leave if he wanted to. i have said this to him and his answer is that he feels he has to 'go through the motions' and not just give up, even though he apparently knows they will not last. he says it is the right thing to do, then acknowledges that he is 'a terrible person' as he isnt doing the right thing at all.

what it comes down to i suppose is that he is very weak. whether he does really want to leave or not.

Honestly if he wanted to leave he would have done it,
my grandfather left his wife the day he met my grandmother, when when I asked him about it he always said for him it was love a first sight and he wouldn't be a cheat, so he left and yes it caused problems and hurt but it also meant that years later they could all be friends.
There will always be a reason to stay if he is looking for one, never a reason not to leave except that he doesn't want to.
Sorry but end it now, he's trying to have you both.

I'd think if you believe him for a second you are a fool, sorry.

It's such a cliché. He doesn't love her/they don't have sex anymore/he stays for the sake of the kids blah, blah, blah. Men have been cheating on their wives and saying shit like this to their OW for all time, and yet there are still women who think that this time it is the truth

i know i will be clouded in my views, but i do know for a fact that he isnt lying about his wifes depression, and they definitely do go to counselling and i know he has told her he no longer loves her. we have mutual friends going way back and all this was apparent right from the start.

Oh there'll pretty much always be a grain of truth.

But if it had been apparent right from the start, and that was going to be a problem for him, then he shouldn't have married her.

If he married her in the full knowledge that she had depression, then he should abide by the vows he made and support her in sickness and in health.

He wasn't obliged to married her. He proposed. He planned it. He paid for it. He turned up on the day for it. He said the words. He signed the register...

No one had a gun to his head, did they?

Seriously, read a few threads on here, I'll share the stock phrases I've heard from men like this (my marriage broke down 5 years ago because some other woman fell for the same shit from my husband!) I shut down 3 married men in a week last summer - all with variations of what you're being told.

"I love her, but not like a husband should love a wife"

"I love her like a sister"

"I love her but I'm not in love with her"

"I care about her and I don't want to hurt her, but..."

"I'm never going to leave, the children are my priority, but I think I love you"

"she's not interested in spending time with me"

"It was an arranged marriage, we've agreed to stay together until the children leave home but there's no love"

"I don't love her, we're staying together for the children - we live almost entirely separate lives"

"She tricked me. I thought she was someone she wasn't and then, once we were married, she changed" (together 25 years, married 21, eldest child 15 - so plenty of time to leave if that were the truth)

I could go on but I don't really fancy regurgitating all the shit they've said about me - but generally attempts to flatter me by highlighting how different I am to their wives... - more confident; more adventurous; more interesting; more intelligent; more attractive; better figure; kinder; sweeter...

Full. Of. Shit.

He even tells you it's not the right thing to be doing! Chalk one up to honesty if you must, but if even he has to admit that shagging you on the side continuing to express mutual love is a bad thing, there's more than a tiny clue in here that you shouldn't be doing it.

With one foot on the platform, the other foot on the train... there's only so long a person can stand there before somebody gets hurt.

You keep saying that you know for sure she has depression, as if this makes the whole situation justifiable. If he was a good man, the kind of Man who deserved your love and you could build a relationship with, then he wouldn't be having an emotional affair at all - let alone when his wife is depressed and needs his support. He is using her depression as an excuse for not leaving as if it makes him a good person. If he was a good person his wife's depression would have meant he'd be throwing himself into his marriage and supporting her.

OP you said you used to date this man - why did it not work out first time round?

these replies really are making me wake up. i guess i feel like theres no way someone would delcare the love he has and for so long, and spend every waking hour (almost!) with me, if it wasnt real and he didnt genuinely want me.

but if thats true and he does want me, then hes a weak man. if he doesnt want me but is unhappy at home, then hes weak. if he loves his wife and hes lying, hes a shit husband.

i feel so stupid. i really do.

Don't feel stupid.

Many of us believed it the first time it happened...

But I could almost write the script for them now. So fucking predictable.

And some women still fall for it. I have a friend who I confided in about one of the men. (They are mutual friends). I actually ended up arguing with her because she was trying to convince me that they really did live separate lives (I know that was the case, it was corroborated by a lot of people), and that she had seen the way he looked at me... but that wasn't the point.

The point was He Was Married. And I am worth more than someone else's sleazy husband.

And the worst/most ridiculous part is that I'm almost terminally single because the only men who ever show an enthusiastic 'genuine' interest in me are married to other women!

Stop feeling sorry for him, stop and start seeing him for the disrespectful (to his wife and you) piece of work he is.

Don’t feel stupid. I’ve fallen for the “my partner doesn’t understand me and you’re so different and special” lines before.

It’s incredibly seductive.

Google chumplady

the last month he has spent every night with me until midnight when he goes home. why would someone do that who wasnt genuine? i know it doesnt change the fact hes a liar and not worth any of it. i just dont get why someone would behave in that way.

after reading all these posts, i really despise him.hes probably been shagging her while telling me he was in love with me.

and i want to tell her. but probably just to make his life difficult rather than to help her. which makes me terrible to!

I could go on but I don't really fancy regurgitating all the shit they've said about me - but generally attempts to flatter me by highlighting how different I am to their wives... - more confident; more adventurous; more interesting; more intelligent; more attractive; better figure; kinder; sweeter...

I've just reread my post and realised how almost laughable it is. The 'fact' that all these men are married to boring, stupid, frigid, fat, dull, limited women, whilst all of us interesting, intelligent, sexual, attractive, bright, open women are single...

Honestly... Just don't be the chump who falls for it.

but why do they do it? ive been in love before and could never have considered cheating and lying to that man, EVEN when it went wrong and we ultimately broke up. i just couldnt and wouldnt want to

I think depression is a pretty standard and reasonable response when you are married to someone who is telling you they don't love you and looking to set up their next relationship on the side.

Anyway nobody held a gun to his head to make him marry this woman. He did it and he made promises for life. How could you trust him?

i really despise him.hes probably been shagging her while telling me he was in love with me.

Yes! Quite possibly.

the last month he has spent every night with me until midnight when he goes home. why would someone do that who wasnt genuine?

Because it's fun? Because he likes your company? Because being at home every night with someone who is depressed isn't very enjoyable? Because it feels good to have someone laugh at his jokes and be interested in his 10 year old stories again? (one of the reason my exh gave) Because a change is as good as a rest? Because it's like having a hobby and an escape from the drudgery of real life..? Because it's flattering to know someone finds him attractive?

The bottom line is that he's told you he's not leaving. You have got to keep this in your mind.

What you need to keep telling yourself is that he is using you. Using you to fill his time and using you to meet needs that his wife isn't currently fulfilling.

He is not treating you with respect. If he genuinely had feelings for you, he would want you to be in a relationship where you are nutured and loved and protected, where you can build a life and a future, where you don't have to sneak around and hide away... if he saw himself filling that role, he'd leave his wife for you. If he didn't, but he cared for and respected you, he'd step away so that you can find someone else who can.

the last month he has spent every night with me until midnight when he goes home. why would someone do that who wasnt genuine?

And has it occured to you that this situation might be contributing to his wife's depression?

Do you not think she has her suspicions about what he is doing, even if she doesn't know who with?