Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

OP,

Can I ask if you decide to take your preferred house (no. 2, no garage), would you bump into DP regularly if it is the same area?

Would he be the type to harrass you in any way if he knows where you are living? Probably not. But just thinking out loud here.

You yourself know the answers to all these things. Best of luck for the future and your happiness.

@cathyclown
You mean if we split up and I lived in House 2 alone? He's not the type at all, but that would never happen: either we move to House 2 together or I'll leave The Town!

@travailtotravel

I remember you and agree. Weirdly a very close friend used that exact "not enough" phrase.

I'm still young - and whatever happens with this relationship, I've learnt a really important lesson. I don't think I will give quite as much unilaterally again, whether with him or someone else. I dont regret it though. Its a new lesson. Every relationship really does teach you something I guess!

OP,

Yes I can see your thinking on this. Either you are together or you are going elsewhere. Wise decision if it comes to that.

Hope you will be happy whatever happens.

@travailtotravel

And also, he may be selfish, but he genuinely is a decent man who has had a rough time of it in all respects. Although it was a mistake to have given so much blindly, I dont regret having been a real support in all ways to him when he needed it. Im glad I could do that for him, whatever happens.

Its just throwing your money away for no reason. Keep looking for a house with garage available from when yoy can move. Find out before you look. Bound to be more coming on to market in new year.

House 2, you're putting in most of the rent and all of the upfront fees.

I would have a long hard think about where you see this relationship heading.
I can clearly see what he is getting out of it, but what about you? Do you intend to spend the future appeasing him at the expense your hopes, dreams, ambitions and happiness.

Great. I don't regret DH either. We live, we learn, otherwise we're just not living at all.

He doesn't even want to move. It's you pushing for it. So you may as well take house 2, since you love it. Maybe he'll use "no garage" as an excuse not to move in with you. If that's the case, move in alone. If I remember rightly you moved for the sake of him in the first place didn't you?

You're bending over backwards for the sake of this man and relationship. Meanwhile he's cool with life and where he is

He's not your husband. He's not a townie. I have a mind you won't end your days with this man anyway as you want different lifestyles and you're doing all the pulling to try to change him. You asked him an honest question about moving, he said "NO" and you're choosing not to hear that.

So just take the house you want, and have done with it.

Dont worry, a little of my fire seems to ve smouldering back into existence

Oh good , heat up a nice poker and stick it up his arse 👀

Best of luck, splendid.

A brief update because I just want to go to sleep now I feel drained.
Well that didnt go very well. He got really defensive and "what are you on about?"ish with me and said no he didnt like the house and the parking would be a pain but he would go back to look at it again. Not until tuesday though because he's working until then (ffs). Said living in The Town was already a compromise for him and he didnt see what any of the other compromises i had made had to do with us choosing a house together. Then he was quiet for like 20 minutes and said he was knackered.

Oh dear. As a silver lining though, that gives you nearly a week to really assess your relationship, look at what you are both putting in effort-wise, and what you are both getting back. Stand back and try and view it as if it was some other woman's relationship, a friend's. What would you say to her?

Once you decide to rent a house together, you are committed for the duration of the tenancy... Make surely that's something you actively want, not something you drift into.

Two things come to mind ,does his car actually fit in the garage?
Secondly he needs to check his car insurance quotes , I discovered it's cheaper not to put your car in the garage (at least here in essex) that might be a factor
Personally reading what you've said I don't think you should go for either but wait until January before you look

Sleep well and hope that little fire returns in the morning.

So it was all about him, then? No "I didn't realise you liked the house so much," no "I'll be happy anywhere if it's with you."

I lived with a selfish man for years. I know that drained feeling.

Pack him off to his own place tomorrow and start planning your future. This is most definitely not about a house is it?

Hope you get a good sleep, splendid.

Sleep tight Splendid. He’s not enough for you - thank him for the time you’ve had and move on.

He is being very unfair. You will be forking out for a house he wants over your choice whilst you foot the bill. I am surprised he thinks he has such a say under the circumstances. He's ok to let this have major financial implications for you? Wow . He won't be contributing, the choice is yours. That he is too selfish to accept that is worrying. I hope you get house 2. If he can't afford to pay for it, you have the final say.

Keep searching for a house that meets both your needs.

Keep looking. My DH loves his garage. No house before this one had a garage and he really wanted one. Now he's got one, he's as happy as Larry.

You need to find a house which you like and can afford AND has a garage. I am sure you can find one.

Oh my god. GET RID OF HIM. This is literally making my hair stand on end reading because it reminds me so much of an ex I had who was so self-absorbed and convinced he was right about his approach to everything, that he wouldn't even listen to my concerns without getting defensive or angry, let alone compromise. He even outright said one time that he'd made a conscious decision never to compromise in relationships! I know your guy hasn't said that out loud, but his actions are saying that. He isn't putting in anywhere near as much effort as you are and you deserve better. I know it's easier said than done if you love someone, but the resentment will only grow. You can't force him to give you what you need and deserve, but you shouldn't settle for what he's offering. You sound lovely and level headed and I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you.

Probably because if I were going it alone I would move to a completely different one, also because I've done the groundwork now to have an acceptable social life here whilst "gallivanting off" to different places to travel and see friends once a month or so. You see what I mean?

This is the sunken costs fallacy in action.

Can I ask how he is utilising your garage currently? Bearing in mind you say he practically lives at yours?