An update on my 'To top off my crap year...' thread

[October]

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He's only ignoring you because things touched a few raw nerves, I expect. He's obviously hugely in denial that anything could possibly be HIS fault - after all, he's reasonable, rational, responsible, respectable - rrrrr too many 'r's (sounds a bit like my ex!) - yes, if he will talk tonight, let him - sounds like he'll shoot himself in the foot. But of course stand up for yourself too, if/when he's too outrageously self-righteous. Sounds like your counsellor is pretty good at seeing which way the wind blows anyway - she's probably seen it all before. I saw a brilliant children's counsellor after h & I split - dd wouldn't talk to anyone, but I needed to know how to help her - this counsellor might have been living in our house, he was so acute in his insights. Wonderful profession - saved my sanity & helped me be strong for dd.

Got to go home now, but Good Luck for tonight - and big hugs since your h can't manage them...

he cant dictate what you can and cant say at relate to enable himt o go ffs

thats him doing hte controlling gaain

if he doesnt go, go alone and tell them why he wouldnt attend

am cross about that, how DARE he

tell them he ignored you and put demands on what you could say at this session

you have to!

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good luck x

hope you have a productive session

Dior, how did it go this evening???

bumping for dior

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Can i ask you something Dior? I really hope you don't mind me asking but, if you do, feel free not to answer, i won't be offended

You mention your weight quite a lot. You say that you are not happy with your size or how you feel as a result of the weight that you have gained.
DH says he doesn't find you attractive at this weight and doesn't feel able to have sex with you.

Now, don't shout me down for this but, do you think that, subconsciously, you prevent yourself from losing weight so that DH doesn't find you sexually attractive because deep down inside, the damage is already done and you don't want him to want you.

Phew! Does that make sense?

I bet you soon lost weight once he was the 'ex'dh though didn't you Sobernow

oh dior, that sounds v upsetting for both of you

i'm afraid i would take huge exception to his comment about the weight, i just cant see how someone can make it such a big deal, and so very cruel to say what he did

i'm so sorry, you must be all over the place today

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I think you have hit the nail on the head there. You have problems of a sexual nature even when you are slim. I think he may have a problem somewhere, an inadequacy or something, but rather than face up to it he is projecting the problem onto you. I don't think it has anything at all to do with your weight. It's something in him.

Crikey Dior, this marriage sounds like bloody hard work, you deserve a medal for sticking it out!

Oh Dior that session sounds like hard work

If you both come out feeling more like splitting up than when you went in, then I think that is worrying. I would hope that maybe once all the issues are out, you will both feel ready to move on... but can you stick it out that long? Are the issues solveable any more? (if solveable is a word?!)

Agree with TFM that the problem is with him. It's not with your weight. That is an excuse. If suddenly you were a size 8 tomorrow would the relationship be perfect? Would the passion be back? Would the issues have gone? The answer is no isn't it...

I really do agree that you deserve a medal. Forgive me for saying this, but I really wonder if either of you are getting anything from the relationship any more.

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I hope you haven't taken offence at anything I said

I was trying to be supportive that the issues are with him and not you, and you should not beat yourself up over your weight. I'm sure you are beautiful no matter what, inside and out, and if he can't see that then more fool him

I'll stay out of it now. Sorry xx

That all sounds really crap, Dior, but it had to come out.

The trouble with DH only liking you when you are a certain size, is that what happens when you lose weight to please someone else? If he still doesnt find you attractive, will he want you to change your hairstyle? Wear different clothes? Have plastic surgery?

Where would it stop.

Size 16 is not bariatric - I should know! You are not that different. Maybe he prefers a few knobbly bits to squishy bits, but is that really enough to affect his performance in bed?

Especially when you say it wasnt all that before - always telling IMO.

I always think its funny how men say its great, but their women say well actually.....

Maybe his stress at work is affecting his performance. maybe he should be honest with himself and see a dr.

Can you do something nice this weekend like see a friend again? You need something to take your mind off all this.

I wonder whether the sessions are making him feel uncomfortable because there are too many home truths involved and, as you said before, he doesn't like how the counsellor doesn't agree you are being silly. Thus he is blaming the counselling for making him want to get out. Really what he wants to get out of is confronting the problems honestly. Just a thought...

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Ah good! Scared I'd put my foot in it!!

Agree with Anniegetyourgun's last post - very good.

he's feeling threatened because she is v perceptive and he doesnt want to acknowledge teh falws he has had pointed out in himself

The weight thing is shitty - I know (D)H did this to me (I gained >4 stone) - he said some terrible things how I repulsed him (anyway so he went elsewhere looks like your DH is happy to do without)...in retrospect I think I was self sabotaging trying to make him love me even if I was fat I couldn't understand how he could stop loving and wanting me just because I had changed physically (I still loved him and wanted him despite the fact he reeked of fags and booze and looked like shit ...the stress of managing an affair with a bunny boiler)....once he left my unhappiness and despair lifted and I lost 4 stone in 6 months (hmmm) part of it to "prove" to him that weight could be changed but the damge he had done was forever but partly because I wanted to do it for me NOT for him....I think they should love us and want us no matter what - we are not teenagers physical appearance should not be everything - personally I will never forgive (D)H for making me feel so bad about myself and blaming me for opur problems because as he put it "I couldn't stop stuffing my face"...he doesn't even get it now I don't think...course he fancies me now but too little too late....lose weight becausr that is what you want NOT to make him happy or validate his failings ..

when my h said i didnt do it for him anymore, because i was a size 12( after having 4 kids, the youngest under a year old), i cried my eyes out solidly for 3 days

he refused to accept what he had said had hurt me, telling me i was a drama queen and to get over it

that was the moment i knew our marriage was doomed, tho it dragged on for another 4 yrs

by the time we split i was a size 8, but he would still have a dig at me

dont think he ever looked in the mirror himself