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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An update on my 'To top off my crap year...' thread

999 replies

October · 17/04/2007 14:40

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OP posts:
Tanee58 · 25/06/2007 14:09

How are you today Dior? Really sorry to hear h has been so defensive since your session, but not really surprised. He's hearing a lot of stuff he doesn't like, and he's probably feeling s*t scared. Your counsellor sounds good though, and after all, it was just the first real session you've had. H obviously doesn't realise that counselling takes time to find out what's going on in a relationship BEFORE trying to cure it - and that Relate isn't necessarily about happy endings with couples reuniting, but sometimes it's about finding the most painless and non-damaging way of splitting up. My ex didn't pursue Relate because he realised we weren't going to stay together - and I rather wish we had gone, as I think he was left with a lot of bad feelings that the whole 12 years we were together were a farce and that I'd never loved him. I would have liked the chance to let him know I had good memories and perhaps explore how and where we went wrong - if only so that we didn't make the same mistakes with others.

Dp and I had an odd 'session' on Saturday night - after a party at my sister's, sat up after everyone had gone to bed and I had more wine than I'd had for ages. I came out with a lot of why I feel worried about our relationship at the moment, and got really tearful. Dp admitted he's been depressed, drinking too much and lost his libido (not just worried about his stitches, just doesn't fancy it at the moment . I told him I hate the way he stays up into the early hours and I go to bed alone and wake up sometimes at 4 or 5am to find his side of the bed still empty. I HATE it and I feel so lonely. We do love each other - but I'll have to see over the next couple of weeks if he took any of it on board - then he leaves for his summer season and the bed will be empty anyway . My sister's comment was, all relationships have their low moments, some days are good, some are better, but maybe we shouldn't expect them to be great too often (she's managed to stay married for 19 years!!!)

Tanee58 · 25/06/2007 14:10

Hi - just read your post - so glad h is feeling brighter - but make sure he still goes to Relate with or without you - there's a long road ahead....

Dior · 25/06/2007 14:13

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Tanee58 · 25/06/2007 14:14

oh no - what's G doing now...? Please don't go there....

jinxed · 25/06/2007 14:15

Dior, hope you are ok sweetie.

Free for a cuppa next week if you are x

Dior · 25/06/2007 15:51

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Dior · 25/06/2007 15:51

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jinxed · 25/06/2007 15:54

Let me know when and where.

Monday/Wednesday/Friday pm's (1-3pm) are best as DD1 at pre-school.

Will check in later x

Dior · 25/06/2007 16:20

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Dior · 25/06/2007 16:22

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jinxed · 25/06/2007 16:28

Dior - its a date my love!

Usual place?

Dior · 25/06/2007 16:29

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jinxed · 25/06/2007 16:30

yep, thats the 4th July yes?!

Sorted. Will put it in my diary. xx

Dior · 25/06/2007 16:32

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jinxed · 25/06/2007 16:37

oooh get you!!

Dior · 25/06/2007 16:42

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jinxed · 25/06/2007 16:43

ROFL

Why not - I wouldnt condemn you for it!

Tanee58 · 25/06/2007 17:17

Personally I find the rabbit a bit unwieldy !

Yes, I do think the depression's causing most of our problems - though drink and late nights never affected his performance before . My sister was trying to make me more realistic, I guess - I know her marriage has had its ups and downs - but they seem to laugh about things and though she used to have a 'running away fund', she's never seriously contemplated using it. I always think she's been the lucky one (thinner, also! ).

Anyway, he was working today so I hope he'll feel cheery tonight. Despite the rain (will it ever stop?) - and if we don't manage any nooky, we still make sure we hug.

Dior · 25/06/2007 21:30

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aimeesmummy · 25/06/2007 22:13

Hi, I'm really sorry to butt in, I see this threads a long one, I've read back some and got the gist of it.
Dior, please please please put ALL thoughts of G out of your head. It is so dangerous to be tempted and if you cross the line, you can never step back over it. Focus your energy on your dh. My, admittedly short, marriage broke up some months ago, for some time prior to this, I found myself responding to flirtations at work but like you, I didn't feel I was getting the tlc I really needed at home, but was told I was attractive, special etc etc by a couple of guys at work, and like a complete mug, I believed it when it was no more than bored married blokes testing the waters to see if they could still pull. It didn't go beyond mild flirting, texting and emailing and a couple of "I've always really liked you" conversations thank god, but I could very easily have got in out of my depth. Anyway, I split with dh; recognising I was happily responding to others flirting being a small but not insignificant reason.
I'm not very good at advice and tbh I've not read every single of your posts (under various names - how do you do that?!) but I understand 100% that it is nice to be made to feel attractive, sexy etc etc and to be on the look out for him, is he in the office, why hasn't he replied to my email etc etc but it is dangerous. Please please put G out of your mind completely. Also, say you did get it on with him, left your dh and started up with him, how much would you trust him? Not much, lets be honest. So recognise your attraction to him as you only being human and female and goddamn sexy but don't do anything other than window shop.
Again, sorry if I've missed any significant posts or I'm plonking my size 7s where they're not welcome, I just got concerned.

Dior · 26/06/2007 14:36

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Tanee58 · 27/06/2007 13:50

Hi Dior, I can understand you needing G to make you feel like a woman. Only - just keep it at that.
Dp is really hacking me off at the moment - even though I love him to bits. Spent a bit of Monday night in tears as nothing of what I said on Saturday seems to have penetrated (he was probably too drunk to remember) and he still stayed up late on Monday with his usual two bottles of vino. Feel like we're tiptoeing round each other. I'm beginning to look forward to him going to Norfolk in two weeks & sadly dd said yesterday that she's fed up with his depression too - having taken 4 years to get to like him, she's going off him and he's undoing all his good work. I really need to talk about this when he's sober, but I'm scared he'll say the relationship isn't working and he wants out. I'm even wondering if I should contact Relate...

Dior · 27/06/2007 14:28

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Dior · 27/06/2007 16:13

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Tanee58 · 27/06/2007 17:26

No harm in a crush. When i was married, I had a few of those (made a lot of the time when Ewan McGregor LOOKED at me .

Don't feel bad about moaning - that's what we're all here for, sadly.

How much does Relate cost? I'm hoping it's means tested. Someone also suggested spiking dp's wine with valerian for anxiety and St John's Wort for depression....