An update on my 'To top off my crap year...' thread

[October]

Message withdrawn

ok, so you have defined what sort of man you want. How mqny of those boxes does H tick??

Anyway, what's so gargantuan about being a size 16?

And how dare H answer for all the other men in the world? Bloody hell. My dp is, by all accounts, a handsome, kind, funny man - ok he has a few problems, but doesn't everyone? No body's perfect - I know he's had relationships with women bigger than size 16 - one is still a good friend & she must be size 18-20. He never had a problem with her size. I once asked him and he said he thought sexual attraction was to do with the whole package - he didn't go off someone because they were bigger than a size 10 and it was more to do with personality and how they presented themselves.

As for holidays, I do feel sorry for your h if his job is so awful that he needs to have a holiday to look forward to. That is so sad. It also rather explains why he seems so resentful of your job, which you obviously love. As you said, maybe he should have a hol with ds - it'll show him how much hard work YOU put into being a mother the rest of the time and it'll give ds some good, concentrated time with his father. He probably doesn't see much of him if he doesn't get home till late.

Basically, I suspect that h says it's all your fault, and it's all about you, because HE is unfulfilled in his life outside the home - so he clings to this fantasy of being a 'happy family' - if only YOU could be the wife he wants.

These are all points you could raise at Relate - 3-4 weeks is promising - at least your first session is in sight. Can h not take a morning or afternoon off? It's surely important enough for that!

Just read your post again - is he saying that only a man with something wrong with them would find you attractive? Splutter!!!! I would have felt tempted to clock him one!

Is this someone who promised to love, honour and cherish you?

I am now speechless...

Message withdrawn

hi dior

sorry to hear what you're dealing with.

i wish i could send a bucket load of strength over to you.

i'm really not in any position to comment (given that I am still letting H mess me about) but he is controlling you and he's doing it deliberately out of his own fear of being alone, not living with ds and possibly losing what probably appears like a successful family life.

IMHO, you're in a no-win situation. he won't give you the healthy positive love and support that you need in order to regain your happiness (and possibly your size 10) but he will keep denegrating you whilst you are unhappy and (so-called) over-weight.

in a perfect world we none of us should be reliant on someone elses approval or affirmation for our self-confidence. but in reality we do react to the perceptions of ourselves from those around us.

i cannot truly believe what he said about someone else finding you attractive would have something wrong with them - what a truly effing nasty and negative thing to say.

OSJ's right, sometimes there's strength but mostly there's just the end of the road and you will know when you've reached it.

i really think counselling will help you, not sure about your H tho. i think he's gonna hear a whole heap of stuff he won't like. i'd urge you to keep going even if he backs out tho.

you have all the strength and beauty and confidence that you need to make yourself and ds happy - you've just lost sight of it right now.

you'll find it again tho, i promise you that.

Message withdrawn

Hi Dior,

I'm right there with what PC says. You're right about CAB - we've stopped recommending constituents to try to see them because it's so hard to get a slot. When dp tried recently, they were only seeing 14 people and he was the 15th. Someone woman jumped the queue in front of him and he was too gentlemanly to say 'oi, there's a queue yer know,' so he was turned away and was fuming.

You might find a solicitor offering a free half hour though, & the council might be able to advise on council tax benefit (if you're on your own you'll get at least a 25% discount plus benefit if your salary is very low.

Speaking of dp, he's been really p*g me off the last couple of days. Sorry to land this on you. The perfect man is showing his feet of clay again! Came in late last night, didn't even pop his head round the sitting room door to say hallo, put on really loud music in the kitchen which he deigned to turn off when dd went to bed and then sat up till 7am - I kid you not! I managed not to explode, remembering how bad it got last time, and smiled wanly instead - I expect he's depressed about something - but I'm having a heavy week at work and wanted a bit of tlc too. Hope this evening will be better .

God, Men, why can't we be amoebas and reproduce by ourselves?????

Message withdrawn

Thanks! Yep, 7 am. Dd & I got up to get ready for school and work 5 minutes later! It looked like he'd fallen asleep on the sofa and he hadn't finished the 2nd bottle of wine - but something was obviously bugging him. Couldn't discuss it last night as he was reeling a bit and obviously too drunk - and the music so loud I had to stop up my ears. Shall try to broach it when I get home. Every time this happens he says he WILL talk to me next time instead of clamming up - and every time he does it again when the black cloud descends. At least I don't think it's something I've done and I know he has some family problems - as he's the oldest sibling and his father's dead (his father caused most of the problems so no loss there) he does feel very responsible.

I understand about your weight. It may all be in your mind, but that makes it none the less real. H's comments obviously don't help. I'm personally very glad of those pretty little smock tops in the shops - if I get the right cut, they hide my 'womanly' tummy - otherwise by the end of the day I look 5 months pregnant !

As for G - keep him as a fantasy - the reality is that he'd probably have been lousy in bed, anyway .

Thanks for your support - my friends think dp & I are some sort of fairy tale with our history, so I don't like to disillusion them.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Sorry you're so down Dior

Really think that relate will help you both it's so much easier to air your feelings with a third party to mediate. IMHO (please don't hate me for saying this!) I don't think G is helping with your depression, when you post here your mood seems to depend on whether or not he's being nice to you. Like me I think you have to sort your marriage out one way or t'other before thinking about anyone else.

Got to fetch dc's from nursery now but will be on here later or MSN this afternoon if you want to chat?

Take care x

Message withdrawn

Dior, really worried about you. Can you go back to docs and discuss how you are feeling? I don't know about a/d's but could they be making you feel worse?

Message withdrawn

Dior, I'm worried about you too.

Has your GP referred you for counselling as well as prescribing ADs? Sometimes you have to try several types of AD to find one that works. Please go back and talk to your dr.

I'm thinking I am sinking into some form of depression. I know exactly what you mean about things just not seeming worth the effort.

Am seeing the relationship counsellor on my own on Monday. Wonder how that will go. Am seriously worried about money so god knows how I'm going to pay for it....

But that's another story.

Make a dr's appt asap, you need a review of your meds and you need a referral for counselling for yourself IMO.

How are things this evening Dior? You've had some great advice off the other girls, agree with em all. Look after yourself.

How are things this evening Dior? You've had some great advice off the other girls, agree with em all. Look after yourself.

Dior, it really does sound like you need to go back tothe GP and see if youd be better with different ads or a different dose.

Glad youve had a chance to "talk" with OSJ, hope it helped - I can be on MSN too tomorrow eve if youre around, P is in London for a stag do so Ive got the computer to myself!

Youre lack of enthusiasm doesnt sound healthy, especially for someone with so many interests.

PC, glad youre getting some counselling. I hate that it takes so long for anyone to get that sort of help - with ads taking weeks to kick in sometimes, I think the "talking therapy" is essential almost straight away, but you can never get it that early.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Glad youre getting out tomorrow Dior, that sounds like the best therapy!

P had his offer on the flat accepted, today did his mortgage application with the mortgage advisor.

I suppose now it all depends how quickly the current owner can move - the estate agent said she had found somewhere, so i expect she will be keen to move quickly.

These weekends with him away are quite good as we can "practise" living alone. Actually DD is very good company at the moment.

Im also getting used to telling people now, although the look of shock on some peoples faces is a bit hard to bear.

Ive taken my engagement ring off (we werent married) but noone has commented yet. But when P noticed I think he was a bit upset. I thought that was strange, I wouldnt have thought he would expect me to keep wearing it. In fact i wanted to wear it on my other hand, but my right ring finger is too fat!

Message withdrawn

hi dior, thanks for the kind words. had a good chat with OSJ on msn last night too - she's a star eh!

am very worried about H. very worried indeed. i do feel like we've got a real chance to get back on track but work is dragging him down.

as a consequence of that i am feeling responsible for him and his well being again. trying to bolster him up but not getting anything more than thanks from him.

i need some bolstering and assurances too.

money is going to be a really big deal these next few weeks.

dd ended up in my bed last. first time in months and months but she woke just before 10pm and wouldn't settle.

was petrified she was ill but no sickness followed thank goodness. prob just teeth.

anyways, we've already been up 2 hours and have friends coming at lunchtime for the weekend.

am babysitting 3 under 3 tonight - eek!

ps: meant to say i took my rings off 21st April. it did feel very final.

h knows they won't go back on till there's some very real evidence of a comittment to our future as a family.