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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

An update on my 'To top off my crap year...' thread

999 replies

October · 17/04/2007 14:40

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OP posts:
Dior · 11/06/2007 20:36

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Dior · 11/06/2007 20:49

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Dior · 11/06/2007 20:50

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Fubsy · 11/06/2007 20:55

If he truly loved you, and not some image of you, would he not love you whatever weight you were? What if you had an accident and became facially disfugured? (God forbid) Would he accept you or say he only liked you as you were?

Its all about appearance. You are the same person - its not as if you have suddenly becaome a blubbering monster who cant get out of a chair and needs hoists to get on the toilet! From your description your a bit smaller than I am, and while id like to lose a bit, Im not losing sleep over it.

I bet none of your girl friends mind what size you are. Or DS.

mummytosteven · 11/06/2007 20:59

By Dior on Mon 11-Jun-07 20:50:14
If I lost the weight, h would want me again. Then again, would I want him?

Doubtful, as the damage has been done, there are only so many negative comments that a person can take

By Dior on Mon 11-Jun-07 20:49:46

Perhaps I could try harder. Then again - can I live in a sexless marriage?

Could I have G as a sex-buddy and keep it quiet - then I would never bother h for sex and he would be happy.

Come on, you know that would be a seriously bad idea. Even if you did manage to keep it quiet 1)you would end up eaten up by guilt etc at some point - it woudl feed into the depression and 2)what would be the point in staying with h?

Dior · 11/06/2007 22:18

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Dior · 11/06/2007 22:19

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Fubsy · 11/06/2007 23:17

Hmm - Im not exactly an expert, but I reckon a lot of men would dispute that - theres plenty out there who would shag a sack of potatoes if it was offering sex!

I would be offended too.

Im trying to be optimistic about this, seeing as I havent the will power to avoid eating a large pack of walkers sensations (and I mean Large!) in one day. Thres loads of beautiful, voluptuous women out there with great sex lives.

Dior · 12/06/2007 15:38

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Tanee58 · 12/06/2007 17:22

Dior, please just keep G as a colleague you have a friendly, slightly flirty relationship with - don't revisit the 'shall I shan't I' scenario...

As for H, what can one say? Once again, it seems to revolve around doing things to make him happy - what about you? What does he do for you? To be realistic, do you really think you'll ever be a size 8 fantasy of his again? Not many of us are the size we were in our teens or 20s or ever expect to be - but most of our men seem to have adjusted to that and heck, how many of THEM are the fine examples of the Superb Powers of Virile Manhood that THEY were at 21???

So, assuming that he can only relate to you sexually when you're stick thin, and assuming that you won't be even if you do lose some weight, do you think you can last the rest of your life without cuddles and sex? Why should you do everything on his terms? Why has he been allowed to so colour your self-image that you feel so depressed when you look in the mirror - and if you do lose weight, you'll spend the rest of your life dreading the bathroom scales. That's no way to live!

Dior, I do feel so sad for you - I can't recommend a sex-less marriage - tried that - didn't work - wound up having affair with ex-boyfriend and it was dreadful for my ex and dd, even though ex boyfriend is now dp and we're sort of living happily ever after. But I shall always have the guilt - so wouldn't recommend that either.

Anyway, that's why I keep thinking you need to see Relate again to thrash out what YOU want with a third party present - so far it seems like it's all about him.

Tanee58 · 12/06/2007 17:25

And apart from the weight/sex issue, what about the fact that he's only happy when you revolve around him - but resents it when you're bubbling with fulfillment over your job/hobbies/friends. His 'happy family' seems to be a bubble of you, him and ds - but life must hold more than that and he should be happy that you have it. Otherwise it's not a true, modern partnership but the sort of marriage our grandparents expected.

Tanee58 · 12/06/2007 17:27

Sorry, this sounds like I'm urging you to leave - but really, it seems like he's making you go round in circles of indecision by being nice to you and getting you to tremble at his smile, when at other times you really don't feel like you love him anymore.

Dior · 12/06/2007 17:29

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turquoise · 12/06/2007 19:35

Haven't read it all but just seen the sex buddy bit - really , really bad idea - it would destroy any tiny scrap of self esteem you have left IMO.

You don't need bits of two men - H to live with, G to shag - you need a whole someone who loves and values all of you for yourself, size & depression notwithstanding. And you need to love and value yourself in order to find that.

Got to go - supper burning - but I so know that feeling of letting my mood be dictated by whether some useless git of a bloke notices or flirts with me - and by mood I mean depression or elation. It's shit, please don't go back there.

lou33 · 12/06/2007 19:55

he would be a huge a let down after the way you had built him up

Fubsy · 12/06/2007 20:16

Hi Dior, to save time, lets say i agree with tanee!

G either emailed you just because thats what he does, or else he has an inkling of your torment and is enjoying stringing you along.

H needs to get a life that does not need you revolving around him. DS does not need a holiday - kids are just as happy with days out, there are plenty whose families cant manage or cant afford holidays and they dont suffer. he's just found something else to make you feel guilty about.

Thats awful how long itll be before you can see relate - could H not leave a little earlier, or start earlier to make up the time?

Dior · 12/06/2007 21:16

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Dior · 12/06/2007 21:18

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mummytosteven · 12/06/2007 21:24

"He said that most men are visula and would not be turned on by my body, even though my face is attractive. He said that even of there was someone out there who liked me as I am, they would have 'other things wrong with them'. "

you deserve better treatment than this.

mummytosteven · 12/06/2007 21:24

"He said that most men are visula and would not be turned on by my body, even though my face is attractive. He said that even of there was someone out there who liked me as I am, they would have 'other things wrong with them'. "

you deserve better treatment than this.

ohsmellyjelly · 12/06/2007 21:25

Hi Dior

Just catching up on things with you. Sorry to hear that relate is going to be longer yet. Agree with Tanee that most of us are not the weight we were in our 20's but most partners adjust to that. Your H is being a twunt IMO!

I have met you recently and as I said at the time I don't think you look overweight. You might feel it compared to previously esp as H harping on about it but to someone who just met you you honestly don't look big at all. I can totally understand that you are attracted to G as you don't feel attractive to H but as you said HE'S NO GOOD and is not interested in anything but a quick shag..

at H saying he will take ds on hols by himself. wtf? Where did that come from?

Thinking of you x

ohsmellyjelly · 12/06/2007 21:29

I think it's not about guts really, you will naturally get to the point where you can't take it anymore and will feel confident that you are doing the right thing. How the hell can he think you can be a happy family when he makes you feel this way?

Fubsy · 12/06/2007 21:38

FFS Dior, now he's trying to tell you that anyone who fancied you must have something wrong with them! What bloody planet is he on? You look great, cant he understand HE is the one with the problem?

Perhaps you should print some of these threads and send them to the relate person to peruse before you go.

lou33 · 12/06/2007 22:08

sorry dior, but he is a fucking idiot

Dior · 13/06/2007 13:58

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