An update on my 'To top off my crap year...' thread

[October]

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Good luck with CAB - and it's not really such an abyss once you've leapt - you've got a job, that helps, and there'll be lots of support and advice - and us! .

And Somewhere there's possibly a Mr Darcy waiting, with YOUR name on him!

Got to go home now, catch up with you tomorrow.

i think the part you describe about acting normally is quite usual, certainly exh and i were like that when we decided to split.

The abyss really isnt as scary as people let on you know, i found it quite liberating

you are doing brilliantly, don't worry

(btw i have another date early next week for lunch, lol)

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i dont think that's asking for much at all actually

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You're absolutely not a failure and a reject. From the short time I've 'known' you that is very clear! You're an amazing woman.

The only way I can relate to what you just said was after the affair, when I wanted so much for H to just give me a hug and tell me how much he loved me, I'd feel so low and just want to collapse and beg him to hold me and love me. But what I started to realise is that had to come from him. I shouldn't have had to ask for it. It's the least I deserve. Unconditional love and affection should surely come naturally for the person you love.

I'm not explaining myself well today!

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Ditto to everything MLS said! You shouldn't need to ask for a hug, or for him to say 'I love you' - he should be doing that without prompting! And ditto, I've only been following your threads a couple of months and you don't sound like a dull, boring, ugly person at all. In fact, you sound like someone I'd love to meet and have a girl's lunch with!

I do feel so sad for you - my ex suggested a holiday too, when we were splitting - and I had to say no, because I knew it would be miserable and not a good memory for either of us, and although I loved him, it wasn't the sort of love I wanted for a marriage and I knew I didn't want to stay in that marriage. And we were very kind to each other in the last weeks before he finally left. There seems to be a pattern like this in relationships that are breaking up for incompatible reasons, rather than those where there's violence or anger, and it does make one feel dreadfully sad.

I understand your feeling that you've wasted years of your life - that's normal too. My ex said that - and maybe he still feels that way, though I remember that we had a good marriage in some ways, and of course, our daughter could NEVER be a waste, just as your son isn't. A friend of ours whose wife has left him, similarly says he wasted 35 years with her - though she says they had a great relationship for most of that time & she doesn't regret it. The sad thing in their case is that he wanted children and she didn't - so in a way he DID waste those years, because he's now nearly 60 and unlikely to form a new relationship with anyone young enough to have children with him - even if he wanted to become a father so late in life.

But I think it's quite normal to feel that you've wasted time, initially. With distance you'll remember the positive times and you'll always have your ds to be proud of.

You know, it is scary to be on your own after a relationship - but it is empowering too.

Ok, maybe not Mr Darcy (actually, I've never been sure how happy he and Elizabeth would really have been - he was a bit emotionally constipated ) - but maybe a Captain Wentworth? He was always my Austen Hero of Choice!

It seems to me that it's time you felt able to reject him, as he seems to have been rejecting you for years - at any rate, not giving you the support you deserve unless you're depressed. The fact that you're rejecting him, seems to imply that you're gaining a sense of self-worth - oh yes you are, even though you're having huge feelings of self-doubt too (but mainly when HE tries to undermine you - don't let him!)

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• and lots of chances to sail the open sea - but I quite like the sound of Mr D's acres...

How are you today?

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oh, am ok - looking forward to being off work for three days (I don't work Fridays). Will try to log on later - if dd or dp aren't hogging it. Am SO sorry you're feeling shite. It will get better, I promise. Just remember, you are special.

My dd showed me a poem from her GCSE course last night that I thought really good for any of us who've come out of long relationships where we felt our personalities stifled by the partner's expectations. Both dp and I could relate it to our past relationships - I think dd's a little young to truly appreciate it yet (sadly, I expect, one day she will). I'll copy it out for you if you like - it would make a good mantra.

You know, when exh and I split up, I remember thinking that for the first time in my life, I felt like I was inhabiting my own skin - not trying to be somebody else for someone else. I do hope that you'll feel the same .

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the thing i read time and again from you dior, is you doing things for ds /dh, but i never read anyone giving anything back to you

you talk about making them happy, but never yourself, and you only seem to feel happy through any small positive actions from your h

those things he does? they shouldnt be treats they should be how he would naturally treat his wife, it makes me mad to think you seem to believe you have to do something "good" to get the basic respect and love that you have a right to from your partner of so many years

Dior, you dont sound relaxed. You sound like someone who is being someone they would rather not be.

You wont be able to keep that up, then noone will be happy.

Youve got to accept yourself, and theres nothing wrong with that self, then if H wont accept it, thats his loss. DS will love you whatever, but would probably prefer a relaxed Mum!

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Dior, there is nothing wrong with being selfish - if you don't please yourself, if you're not happy with yourself, how can you be happy or pleased with others?

I wrote quite a lot for you & lost it when my Broadband connection broke - but basically, women seem to have a tradition of self-sacrifice being a virtue -it isn't - it just makes for a crabby, unfulfilled, frustrated old age. I've been awfully selfish and I'm sure I'm a nicer person to live with because of it .

Anyway, I shall copy out this poem - again - sigh - and check the connection's working before I send it this time..

It's by Derek Walcott.

LOVE AFTER LOVE

The time will come
When, with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own front door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love-letters from the bookshelf

The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your own images from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
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So, what do you think? Isn't it a great poem about finding yourself again after a relationship? The more I read it, the more I like it.

Anyway, have to log off now - this breaking connection is driving me nuts. Hate Pipex! Dp has concocted a Blue lagoon cocktail - lovely shade of eau de nil - time to start the weekend I think, though I fear I'll lose the power of speech after drinking this .

Hope you have a good one Dior, enjoy crafting with ds and I do hope h behaves himself. It's about time he treated you for once - even if it's only a chain saw!

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Wow Tanee, that is really good. Never heard of that one before but can really emphasize with it, with crap relationship with xh and the way I was.

Dior, you do realiaze he will fight you don't you? He will try and say "It's you who are causing the problems. You are the one who wants to split our family up" blah, blah.

It is so hard to break away. You really need all the help you can get.

Do you really want to do that though? Not sure from what you've said before about just wanting affection from H. I know when I really wanted out I did not want xh anywhere near me which doesn't seem to fit in with what you have said.

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