Hi Dior, this is a really horrible pace isnt it, the realisation that you might have to move out iof the relative comfort zone of a relationship, and head off into the unknown. i really sympathise.
FWIW, P kept trying to blame me by saying that I was expecting him to do all the changing, when I wasnt prepared to change myself. This was because one of my big problems was his attitude to DD and the way he behaved towards her - I felt it was bullying a lot of the time. he would then dredge up the fact that I had admitted to him that in times of severe stress i had smacked her and felt ashamed of it.
What he could not or would not understand was that I wwas deeply ashamed of the times I had hit her, and was desperately trying to deal with that side of my personality.
Instead he made it sound like "well if yoyu can smack her, i can shout at her." Which I felt was unacceptable.
Although i cried hysterically when we made the decision to split (in fact he said he couldnt go on, but I did feel as if i had pushed him into it as I had told him to go in anger several times) I have not done so since, and really feel as if a weight has been lifted - i just could not face another possible 40 years living like that.
And to be honest, everyone seems much more relaxed now - to the point where I offered to look at the flat P was considering, and he said he might take me up on it.
I think Ive probably got away with it lightly, but who knows what will happen in the future.
Another of P's little foibles is his refusal to think about the future or make real plans - he just says who knows what might happen, as if he cannot at least make a plan, even if it doesnt come to fruition.
So if I suggest he think about how the maintenace thing would be affected if he married or fathered another child, he just shrugs and says who knows what will happen. Which is just too annoying to persue, obviously what he is hoping for.
As we were not married, I dont qualify for maintenance for myself and as a professional in work, would not expect it. Although i dont think he would default on maintenance for his DD, I think at a pinch i could survive. There are other forms of payback anyway - such as when the mortgage becomes mine, he has a charge on the house, where I have to pay a percentage back to him if I sell it, as i cannot afford to buy him out now. If he screwed me over, i could do that back to him, so I think and hope thats unlikely.
Although he can be a PITA, he's not vindictive.
God, sorry, thats gobne on a bit.
Really, what Im trying to say is that although itas really hard right now, like the others say, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.