Aaaarrgghhh...Should I end things with lovely, but broke, boyfriend?

[jojojoeyjojo]

I am 48 with three DCs and have been with my BF for 18 months. It is the first relationship I have had since the end of my 20 year marriage five years ago. My BF is a lovely man..always cheerful, kind, caring, affectionate and he makes me laugh so much. He has lovely friends, is on good terms with his ex wife and he is a great dad to his kids. My DC all like him very much, especially my 9 year old DS. He is an amazing lover...sex is brilliant with him...I can’t imagine it being any better. There is just one fly in the ointment which is that he is completely broke. He walked away from his marriage with nothing, became very down and made some bad financial decisions, which he now bitterly regrets, with the upshot being he has no assets, pension or savings. He works hard and rents a small house and pays maintenance for his children but basically lives hand to mouth. He is self-employed and has no safety net if he does not have work and if he got injured I don’t know what he would do as he does a physical job.
My issue is that my ex-husband never had any money, didn’t work..was a struggling artist when I met him and I basically supported our family financially for the duration of the marriage. He took absolutely no responsibility for finances, refused to discuss money ever and I am so sick of worrying about money after years and years of it. My ex pays no maintenance as he doesn’t work and is now on disability benefits.
I don’t want or need to wined and dined, but if my boyfriend and I have any sort of future together then I feel I will be supporting yet another man for the next twenty years! I would love to be able for us to go away for weekend together or a meal.. but I would have to pay for everything all the time....don’t mind paying half at all but I have very little spare money for treats.
Uuurrggh....I don’t know how I could end it with him, we have never had an argument in 18 months and of course there is no guarantee I would meet anyone more solvent financially. Without wishing to sound arrogant, I know he would be heartbroken if I ended it and he has no idea how I feel. I don’t want to cause pain to anyone. I have tried to talk to a couple of friends, but they just think he’s lovely and I should stay with him.....but the lack of money thing just keeps going round and round in my head. Would be really interested to hear others perspectives...

I don't know the answer.
I'm in the same boat now - although not 18 months in.
I wonder what long term future there is.
I always said I wanted someone solvent.
I do fine but want someone on a similar level.
I've no idea what to do either.
I am cooling things off a bit but we have fun.
I hope someone else can answer for us.

What is his plan for the future, is he planning to be hand-to-mouth until he gets his government pension, or is he sort-of expecting to just live with you?

Thank you so much for the reply hellsbells...I fear there is no answer....do I give up on a lovely man, amazing sex...on the off chance I could meet someone else with those qualities but also a bit more financially sorted. **

This business of his... does it actually make him any money?

That's sad as he sounds so lovely apart from that.

Is there any way of changing things so the situation improves in the future? Is he the same age as you?

I have also had relationships like you had with your ex and it does breed resentment. I think it is ok to support a partner when you are young and starting out but I understand you wouldn't want to do it again at your age.

Give up a fantastic man in case someone with more cash comes along? Yeah, good luck with that.

I can understand you not wanting to support him for the next 20 years, but if you live seperately, surely you can see how it goes?

His finances' may well pick up.

But honestly, I couldn't give up someone so seemingly perfect for money, no.

He works hard and rents a small house and pays maintenance for his children but basically lives hand to mouth.

Well this sounds like the average person TBH.

I think you are struggling with this because your ex was a leech. This guy's behaviour doesn't sound like he wants to take advantage of you. (Unless he's asked you for money?)

Storm..I don’t think he’s expecting it. We have discussed the fact we like our independence and need to be sensitive to kids...blending families is sensitive and needs care I think. We would be better off living together undoubtedly as he pays high rent and could pay towards my mortgage etc instead, but if he couldn’t work for any reason I would have to support him 100%.

Why do you think you will need to support him? He is self-sufficient at present isn't he?

I would carry on the relationship but keep finances separate. I don't think I'd ever merge finances with anyone I didn't have dc with anyway.

Howabout if you wanted a holiday, you both save up about a year ahead of time. About £50 a month and you could go to Spain or Europe comfortably.

I just wouldn't ever live with him while he's so broke.. but otherness just enjoy the relationship... unless the lack of cash severely impacts on the enjoyment of the relationship.

Long term ..I'd be looking for someone more liquid though. Being old and broke is horrible.

I wouldn't see it as a deal breaker. He's not your ex, it sounds as though he is a hard worker and is bringing in enough money to break even. The fact that he has a kind soul and a great moral compass should be more important than his assets. A no no for me would be an irresponsible reckless attitude to money and that doesn't sound like him

I think it's unfair to say you will be supporting him. I think you want a different style of life to him and that might be a problem. As far as security goes, working self employed he must have personal/ liability insurance should he damage himself or a customer's property. That is the safety net in the event of injury. He'll also get a state pension.
If that's not enough for you, then best to end it.

My dh is a builder and we don't have a luxurious life but I'm happy and we won't be destitute in old age. He''s my best friend, good dad and looks great in his hard hat.

Money doesn't buy happiness...

Is his financial situation likely to improve once his kids come of age and he no longer pays maintenance?

I don't think you should end it. He sounds amazing and people like that are few and far between. I totally understand your concerns but I think there's a big difference between someone who doesn't have much money and a leech - he sounds like the former. Why don't you stay as you are for now, living independently and try and gently chat to him about your concerns when the time is right. Obviously don't be blunt and accuse him of being a potential scrounger but maybe just probe a bit about how he plans to manage his retirement, pension etc. to open up some kind of discussion. If he's that amazing he will understand that you've been burned before and are nervous.

But really how many times on here do we read about 'family money' and the expectation that in a serious relationship assets should be pooled? You both have to look after your children first and certainly you should do what you can to secure your assets against loss should things go wrong but surely at some point you have to take a leap of faith and decide if you want to merge your lives, including financially.

Thanks for replies...the work he does is unlikely to ever make him a lot of money...or enable him to save much. He has never asked me for money and when he does have a bit extra he’s very generous...lends money to friends etc.. I find myself worrying though about his financial situation as well as my own though...perhaps I should just stop worrying about future and enjoy it for what it is now.

Seems to me like you are projecting onto him just because you have suffered through your ex.

Also a tip: work out what someone earns/owns & owes in the early days.

Money helps make life more comfortable, but it does not make you happy.
As long as he has a good work ethic, that is the main thing. Just keep your finances separate.

Yes enjoy the now.

You have a good arrangement right now. No need to change it. Separate living arrangements. What's wrong with that?

We would be better off living together undoubtedly as he pays high rent and could pay towards my mortgage etc instead Don't solve other people's problems for them! Especially when they haven't even asked! He's managing fine. You both have DC, keep separate lives, everyone's happy. Why change?

Just have him as a boyfriend your seeing, not as a life partner where your supporting him financially.
Why cant he even go out for a meal? you can eat out fairly cheaply, are things really that tight for him?
I would go out with other friends and join things so I had people to go for meals with and breaks away if that was what I wanted.
From what you say he doesnt sound like hes a sponger but obviously its early days.What about talking to him and saying you would like to do certain things in your realtionship. Obviously he must realize that just staying in all the time is not what most people want all the time.I'd get bored but its upto you.

I agree with Amatree it's early days but there does have to come a point where you take a leap of faith and decide to merge your lives, including financially.

That should be how you envision your future. As a family with family money.

Thanks for all the comments..they all make sense. His youngest DC is 9 so will have maintenance for quite some time. I think I have been affected by my ex...life feels hard at times..I have a very stressful job..I know many people are in same situation juggling kids, work, finances...I just would like to be able to have the odd treat or day out I suppose and feel sad my BF can’t afford it...I know he’d love it too.

You obviously don't love him if you have to ask that question! (And to answer it myself, no I wouldn't give up a wonderful man just because he didn't have much money.)

Different life stages, but I stuck with my lovely but broke man. He’s not motivated by financials and freely admits that left to himself he’d be doing a spartan existence in a shared house in his mid thirties.

However, he differs from my financially damaging in some key ways:

• he doesn’t expect me to pay for him
• while he’s not motivated by money, he’s motivated by contributing to the household
• he’s not a spendthrift and lives within his means

It took him covering my share of the rent in th early days of my business for me to get from ‘me and him’ to ‘us’. I think that was about three years in to us co-habiting :) I’d been burned by an ex who was happy to run out on debt and left owing my family money. Together, we’ve improved both our financial situations.

It’s not quite how I expected things to go, but I’ve realised I value his other qualities highly. And being skint is different to being a feckless freeloader iyswim ...

I think having similar attitudes towards money and spending are a very important, if a little dull, and frequently overlooked element of relationships which can cause a lot of smouldering animosity in the long run.

However, from what you have said it looks like he had had a tough time of it, come out of the divorce badly off plus some bad luck later on.

If this is really how it was and not a life time of financial incompetence then I think you should look at him as if he is a clean slate financially and see if his attitude towards money NOW matches yours. Is he wasteful with what he has? Can he save up for small goals or do these go on credit to be paid later? Etc. If the answers to these questions match up to how you manage your money then I would give him a chance, and some time to prove himself. If not, then maybe his sob story about an unfair divorce settlement and bad luck/ advice on financial decisions may just be a line he is spinning.

We're all just a car crash away from having nothing. You could end up out of work through illness tomorrow, lose your house, end up on benefits and be living hand to mouth for the rest of your life.

How would you feel then if perspective partners decided that you weren't worth bothering with as you'll never have any money?

There's a vast difference between someone who has no sense with money and spends it unwisely meaning they will never have any, and someone who has very little money through circumstance i.e. Gave up house etc in the divorce and pays maintenance to ensure his children are brought up well.

FWIW my eXH is in the top 1% earners in the country. Money didn't make us happy though, although I suppose it was something I thought about when I left and how I was going to survive with much less.. but now I wouldn't change things.

And it certainly doesn't make his new partner happy as it's all she ever talks about and they row about, and how there is never enough money to keep her in a manner to which she'd like to be accustomed because he dares to pay maintenance for his children.

The first thing that came to my mind is that your ex and your bf are very different.

Your ex doesn’t pay anything and has always expects you to support him.
Your bf is paying maintenance, earns enough to live from it and isn’t expected you to pay for aythng at all.

That’s a pretty big difference.

After that, you need to remember that atm you are better off than he is. But things change and it can happen to you too.
You can probably be quite sure that he won’t be very rich in retirement but is it really the most important? More important than the fun, the sex, the love?