Aaaarrgghhh...Should I end things with lovely, but broke, boyfriend?

[jojojoeyjojo]

I am 48 with three DCs and have been with my BF for 18 months. It is the first relationship I have had since the end of my 20 year marriage five years ago. My BF is a lovely man..always cheerful, kind, caring, affectionate and he makes me laugh so much. He has lovely friends, is on good terms with his ex wife and he is a great dad to his kids. My DC all like him very much, especially my 9 year old DS. He is an amazing lover...sex is brilliant with him...I can’t imagine it being any better. There is just one fly in the ointment which is that he is completely broke. He walked away from his marriage with nothing, became very down and made some bad financial decisions, which he now bitterly regrets, with the upshot being he has no assets, pension or savings. He works hard and rents a small house and pays maintenance for his children but basically lives hand to mouth. He is self-employed and has no safety net if he does not have work and if he got injured I don’t know what he would do as he does a physical job.
My issue is that my ex-husband never had any money, didn’t work..was a struggling artist when I met him and I basically supported our family financially for the duration of the marriage. He took absolutely no responsibility for finances, refused to discuss money ever and I am so sick of worrying about money after years and years of it. My ex pays no maintenance as he doesn’t work and is now on disability benefits.
I don’t want or need to wined and dined, but if my boyfriend and I have any sort of future together then I feel I will be supporting yet another man for the next twenty years! I would love to be able for us to go away for weekend together or a meal.. but I would have to pay for everything all the time....don’t mind paying half at all but I have very little spare money for treats.
Uuurrggh....I don’t know how I could end it with him, we have never had an argument in 18 months and of course there is no guarantee I would meet anyone more solvent financially. Without wishing to sound arrogant, I know he would be heartbroken if I ended it and he has no idea how I feel. I don’t want to cause pain to anyone. I have tried to talk to a couple of friends, but they just think he’s lovely and I should stay with him.....but the lack of money thing just keeps going round and round in my head. Would be really interested to hear others perspectives...

I'd stay at the dating stage if I were you. If his work has a habit of drying up, then he should find a second income stream or do something else. Struggling all the time is no fun.

I don't know Desmondo When you're living from payday to payday it's actually a Godsend if friends will loan small amounts for an unexpected cost (eg car needing a repair).

Dh has a few trusted friends that will give a loan until payday and he would do the same for them. It's what poor people do and avoids the horror of payday loans or similar.

OP if you couldnt work from tomorrow how long could you support you and yours without him?

Hi OP- are you seeing my exP? He was with me until 18 mths ago.,lovely guy but complete cocklodger. I would suggest if you still see him that you never live together and keep financials separate . I've learnt the hard way.

Are you financially better off than him?

It's worth pointing out that as you have been in a long marriage and then been lucky enough to meet a fabulous sounding man relatively soon after, that you mustn't overestimate your chances of meeting a decent guy with all the attributes he appears to have. Seriously, it may never happen again. Could you handle that?

Why did his marriage end? Just cautious that he has always had money issues.

I guess if he takes responsibility that's positive rather than blame anyone else.

Could he be expecting an inheritance?

I'd keep him for the sex alone!

Seriously though could almost be my DH (though we moved in together after 10 days) - he was divorced with 2 DCs and gave everything to Ex and paid generous maintenance (which he should have - and we still do - though direct to DSS as is still studying). My DM said we would never have any money - but still best decision I made - he has been my rock and supported me through everything (and I now earn more than enough for us all - I was a student when we met). A man who makes you laugh, is kind and generous and is great in bed is worth a fortune Imo!

Not sure how he is a cocklodger
I don't think anyone is suggesting OP should be grateful only be realistic...

He sounds like a nice bloke.

Keep your finances separate, keep him as a BF especially while you have young DC.

So no complications.

Thanks again for all the replies..all have given me food for thought..even the slightly harsh ones! I would like to think that I am a nice girlfriend and care for him and appreciate him...I have helped him out with quite a few things since we met (not financial) - as he has done for me. His friends all help each other with practical support, money if need be (none of them are high earners but are lovely people who would do anything for each other....and as I type this I realise how important that is).

He's got to be a keeper.

I think you need to better understand your baggage from the marriage, before deciding on ‘oh here we go again!’

The person who makes the money doesn’t also need to be the household manager of money (as women have proved since time began). You could still be the earner, but he could be the one to create budgets, research how to lower bills, do the bulk shopping that saves money, plan ahead for big purchases. This would put this new relationship far ahead of your previous one. Maybe he’d need guidance at first, but any team would go through that phase.

Well done you for thinking hard about this. Maybe time to share your concerns with him (gently) and see what he says. It’s no judgement on him if you introduce it as concerns you have due to your marriage.

I’m quietly very impressed with you. I run all the financial stuff in our family (including the earning) and I don’t even get the laughs and sex that you do! Don’t underestimate his value. He might be priceless!

Hi OP, he sounds like a lovely bloke. I wouldn’t bin him as I think his qualities are really important in a relationship. You could bin him off then find yourself with a right twat but with loads in the bank. Obviously, as someone above ststed, not all men with money are twats, but you never really know.

Thank you Skittles x

He actually sounds like a lovely man. And you sound self sufficient. You know you'll be living your separate lives but can continue to share all the great things you have been already.

I think it's important to remember that finances are the top cause of marital breakdowns.

I know you arent married... but a stable relationship..
If you get to the point of living together is close enough and creates the same issues.

I'd just enjoy the relationship and the ride for now.... who knows what the future holds.

I think it's very tough to live alone, pay all the bills, pay maintenance and have some sort of social life when you're on a low wage. If you two lived together you would immediately be able to save his rent (in some form or other.) You would be able to share bills and other expenses. I think if I met a man who was as great as this, I'd do this. I'd have a Will written preserving the house for the children, then get some savings in place for both of you.

He sounds like a good bloke. What could be done about improving his financial situation? The pension - has he never had one? What about his former assets?

OP your story is virtually identical to mine. Unless you are in this situation it is very hard to understand why kindness, company and great sex doesnt compensate. I am seriously considering ending my relationship for the reasons you describe.

I am not a leech and have always provided for my family. I am in my early fifties and would like to meet someone who isn't broke. It's hard to explain but I am getting bored with it. I would love to meet someone who could afford holidays, nights away etc.

I know I sound selfish and materialistic but I'm really not. I would just like to be with someone who is not struggling financially.

Some of you are being quite harsh on the OP. She’s a single mum with a feckless ex, of course she worries about money. I don’t know any single parents who don’t.

Thank you nicecuppa it’s hard isn’t it. I don’t feel that I am materialistic either, but just can’t help really wishing that my BF was a bit more financially secure...or at least with prospects of things improving but it’s unlikely. I am a bit bored of never really going out. How would you end it with you BF..would you just me honest with him?

The lack of money could change and as you are happy with everything else I'd stay with him. Surely that's better than finding a richer man who doesn't tick all the other boxes. You can obviously support yourself and DC so any other income (from a BF) is a bonus surely.

The good things you say about your relationship are not to be sniffed at at

If you have enough to pay for your share of going out, holidays etc- why can't you pay for both and do it it half as often? It doesn't solve the equity issue but at least you are getting some fun.
I get the problem, and I think it looms much larger as you age. Pushing 60, the difference between someone with a pension and retirement plans and one without is difficult to bridge. You don't sound like you're that age but some realistic talk about financial futures should be part of serious relationships (speaking from bitter experience)