Aaaarrgghhh...Should I end things with lovely, but broke, boyfriend?

[jojojoeyjojo]

I am 48 with three DCs and have been with my BF for 18 months. It is the first relationship I have had since the end of my 20 year marriage five years ago. My BF is a lovely man..always cheerful, kind, caring, affectionate and he makes me laugh so much. He has lovely friends, is on good terms with his ex wife and he is a great dad to his kids. My DC all like him very much, especially my 9 year old DS. He is an amazing lover...sex is brilliant with him...I can’t imagine it being any better. There is just one fly in the ointment which is that he is completely broke. He walked away from his marriage with nothing, became very down and made some bad financial decisions, which he now bitterly regrets, with the upshot being he has no assets, pension or savings. He works hard and rents a small house and pays maintenance for his children but basically lives hand to mouth. He is self-employed and has no safety net if he does not have work and if he got injured I don’t know what he would do as he does a physical job.
My issue is that my ex-husband never had any money, didn’t work..was a struggling artist when I met him and I basically supported our family financially for the duration of the marriage. He took absolutely no responsibility for finances, refused to discuss money ever and I am so sick of worrying about money after years and years of it. My ex pays no maintenance as he doesn’t work and is now on disability benefits.
I don’t want or need to wined and dined, but if my boyfriend and I have any sort of future together then I feel I will be supporting yet another man for the next twenty years! I would love to be able for us to go away for weekend together or a meal.. but I would have to pay for everything all the time....don’t mind paying half at all but I have very little spare money for treats.
Uuurrggh....I don’t know how I could end it with him, we have never had an argument in 18 months and of course there is no guarantee I would meet anyone more solvent financially. Without wishing to sound arrogant, I know he would be heartbroken if I ended it and he has no idea how I feel. I don’t want to cause pain to anyone. I have tried to talk to a couple of friends, but they just think he’s lovely and I should stay with him.....but the lack of money thing just keeps going round and round in my head. Would be really interested to hear others perspectives...

Time that gives me food for thought. I do love him, but I have also seen how arguments/worries about money can erode love and respect.

It sounds as though he is a gem. It also sounds as though you DO want a bit of wining and dining. Well that’s ok, having no money is shit and frustrating, I’m sure he feels that too. But ultimately you have to decide whether it will seriously impair your feelings for him.
Can he retrain, or go into employment, or supplement his income with additional part time work? Does he want to increase his income or is he actually quite happy ticking along while his kids are young?

Thank you raging that is very helpful x

Are you ever likely to live together? Because if you did and he made a fair contribution in rent then that could make a huge difference to both of you, even if you kept your finances separate otherwise. Running two separate households is expensive.
Perhaps if you were really into him you'd have approached it by looking at how you can help him improve his finances rather than should you bin him and find someone else with all the same qualities but with more money. The chance of which, btw, is minimal.
This guy is not feckless, just not well paid. I suspect a bloke who came on here asking the same questions about his sweet but not rich girlfriend would get rather a harsh reception.

Without sounding like a bitch it's really hard for single ladies and no kids to meet someone financially sound so options are limited all round as there is absolutely no guarantee you will meet someone who is willing to take on someone else's kids and give you financial security especially if he has kids he has to pay for himself through maintenance

Men have supported broke women for years. It's strange that when it's the other way round it jarrs for some.

Your partner supports himself and doesn't have much left over. Why don't you view yourself as a true partnership, rather than him and you? He sounds lovely and is good to you. Do you see him as your life partner?

If his financial position is so important to you, tell him, and ask if he can do anything about it. Be ready for his hurt feelings, but you could tell him it concerns you for the reasons you have listed here. Only you can deal with the financial thing going round your head.

If I ask you is it a deal breaker yes or no, which is it?

I'm dating someone who was in your dp's situation a few years ago, he left his wife with nothing and took the family debt with him. All he could afford was a room to rent, he has spent years renting a room whilst he pays of the debt, pays for his children and tries to save a bit of money. He's now in a position where he has payed off the debt and is able to save and hopefully rent somewhere bigger.

I guess what I am trying to say is that your dp needs to do the same. I would advise that you don't move in together until he has sorted out his money problems, maybe he could rent somewhere cheaper so he can put more money towards paying his debts. I think it's pretty hard for a single man to be in a good financial position after leaving the family home to live alone, he obviously has kids to pay for, rent and bills so he's never going to be loaded. I wouldn't end things but I would encourage that he sorts the money problems before you move in together.

Having no money puts your cost of living up, your standard of living down, and its draining constantly dealing with it.
You have 3 kids. If you cant think ahead for yourself do it for them. He's an adult and has to sort himself out.

Dealbreaker? I think not at the moment. These replies have actually really helped a lot..And given me some much needed perspective. Thank you to everyone who is taking time to reply.

bad financial decisions, which he now bitterly regrets, with the upshot being he has no assets, pension or savings.

Sorry, he's a bad money manager.

The reason he doesn't make any bad decisions with money now is that he doesn't have any.

The nitty gritty of a lot of relationships comes down to money. I didn't develop a relationship with a guy many years ago because he was never going to be able to raise a mortgage i.e. us buy a house, on his salary. He works in retail, has done for years and is what they call a 'lifer' i.e. got the job soon after leaving school and chooses to never leave. Never got promoted because he never wanted it. I kinda guessed as much, even way back then.

Enjoy what you have with this guy but I'm wondering if the relationship will run it's course due to boredom i.e. no holidays, weekends away, meals out etc.

I'm not saying this guy is in 'never never land' financially but not being grown up about finances can be a deal breaker.

So you only go out for meals, days out, etc if you pay?

Hmm, personally being in a couple means going out doing 'coupley' things like meals out, drinks at the pub, the odd day out somewhere interesting and you only get to do those things if you are paying for both of you. No matter how nice someone is that is going to piss most people off after a while.

What fun things do you do together as a couple that doesn't cost anything or he pays for?

Maybe keep it as fb relationship and do all the meals, days out etc with other friends as someone suggested earlier, but fgs don't move in together!

He sounds wonderful!! If he is as good as you say, I can't believe you'd think about ending things over his current financial situation.

The key for me would be: is he willing to work to set things right again? He still has time to get his finances in order, but does he have the willingness to do it? If he's not, I'd say it's shading into being a bit of a character flaw: someone who doesn't plan ahead, who can't see what is staring him in the face, is less than perfect as a partner.

If you work together on this, there's no reason it can't be solved. Good luck.

There's lots of things you can do that he may be more in a position to afford.
Nothing is permanant and his financial situation could improve.
He's done right by his family and is doing his best. He doesn't ask you for money, treats you with respect, loves you and is a positive influence in your childrens life however you are asking a forum if you should break his heart because he doesn't have enough money.
I think you should finish it, if for no other reason than for him to find someone who appreciates his qualities rather than worry what he is able to provide financially.

A lovely, kind, caring, cheerful bf who makes you laugh. He’s a keeper. Unless of course you’d prefer some bigoted arsehat who likes to give you the occasional slap, cheats on you, make you cry more than he makes you laugh but has a great final salary pension in place.

Would be a dealbreaker to me, not being taken out or go for weekends away,holidays. Its sad..but then that sort of thing is obvious pretty much straight away after you met them.
OP why were you Ok with this for 18 months and what's changed now ?

And to be honest you dont live together, dont share finances, dont have children together and have only been dating a year and a half his financial situation (largely dud to his wife and children) are none of your business.

you’d prefer some bigoted arsehat who likes to give you the occasional slap, cheats on you, make you cry more than he makes you laugh but has a great final salary pension in place
Yes of course that's either bigoted nasty rich man or a lovely skint one.Nothing in between ,is there?

Men have supported broke women for years
Or... They have kept their careers and earning potential while their spouses have had to give up work to bring up his kids!!!!

Oh please don't give him up for that reason! Anything could happen.

As pp said - you could have an accident tomorrow and your life could change dramatically. He could inherit money, win the lottery - anything.

He sounds wonderful. (Not that I'm envious!)

"if he couldn’t work for any reason I would have to support him 100%"

Thats true of more people than not, though.

It doesn't have to cost much to do "coupley" things. A meal out, a few drinks or a day out can be done on the cheap. You do have to lower your expectations a bit though. Far flung exotic holidays are off the cards.

I suppose if you have friends or family who are wealthy then that comparison will jar with you.

I think money worries are just real life for most!

Teens when we first met he had a bit of spare cash as he had been working a lot and I didn’t really ask him about his finances as it didn’t seem my business at that stage. I guess it is only over last few months and since his work has dried up a bit and we have got to know each other that I have realised he has no savings whatsoever and struggles when he does not have work and the particular work he is doing now, which he has had to take is low paid. He does worry about money and lack of pension but he’s such a cheerful optimist (either that or an ostrich with his head in the sand) that he just puts it to back of his mind and lives day to day.

hellsbellsmelons
Men have supported broke women for years
Or... They have kept their careers and earning potential while their spouses have had to give up work to bring up his kids!!!!

Or... they have met broke women with no kids and they simply supported them.
Or... they went out to work whilst the woman chose to not work to bring up their kids.

Why do you keep picking poor men then griping about it?
You either mind or you don't.

If he couldn't work for any reason..

He needs income protection insurance or at the least personal accident insurance if he's self employed. I would be surprised if he doesn't have that as cover.