Aaaarrgghhh...Should I end things with lovely, but broke, boyfriend?

[jojojoeyjojo]

I am 48 with three DCs and have been with my BF for 18 months. It is the first relationship I have had since the end of my 20 year marriage five years ago. My BF is a lovely man..always cheerful, kind, caring, affectionate and he makes me laugh so much. He has lovely friends, is on good terms with his ex wife and he is a great dad to his kids. My DC all like him very much, especially my 9 year old DS. He is an amazing lover...sex is brilliant with him...I can’t imagine it being any better. There is just one fly in the ointment which is that he is completely broke. He walked away from his marriage with nothing, became very down and made some bad financial decisions, which he now bitterly regrets, with the upshot being he has no assets, pension or savings. He works hard and rents a small house and pays maintenance for his children but basically lives hand to mouth. He is self-employed and has no safety net if he does not have work and if he got injured I don’t know what he would do as he does a physical job.
My issue is that my ex-husband never had any money, didn’t work..was a struggling artist when I met him and I basically supported our family financially for the duration of the marriage. He took absolutely no responsibility for finances, refused to discuss money ever and I am so sick of worrying about money after years and years of it. My ex pays no maintenance as he doesn’t work and is now on disability benefits.
I don’t want or need to wined and dined, but if my boyfriend and I have any sort of future together then I feel I will be supporting yet another man for the next twenty years! I would love to be able for us to go away for weekend together or a meal.. but I would have to pay for everything all the time....don’t mind paying half at all but I have very little spare money for treats.
Uuurrggh....I don’t know how I could end it with him, we have never had an argument in 18 months and of course there is no guarantee I would meet anyone more solvent financially. Without wishing to sound arrogant, I know he would be heartbroken if I ended it and he has no idea how I feel. I don’t want to cause pain to anyone. I have tried to talk to a couple of friends, but they just think he’s lovely and I should stay with him.....but the lack of money thing just keeps going round and round in my head. Would be really interested to hear others perspectives...

Smeaton errrr....I know because he has told me! I wouldn’t dream of looking at anyone’s bank statements without explicit permission, but he has been quite open about the fact he has zero in his bank account at times and has been panicking about paying bills. Also, he has told me honestly he can’t get a credit card because of a poor credit rating.

The difference is that although I don’t have a lot of spare money..I have a little bit and could afford a weekend away in the UK for instance occasionally if I saved and we went halves, also I have a credit card and a small amount of savings.

Can you help him think about his career and look for ways to help him become more financially secure?

OP I honestly don't know what to do. I don't think I would tell him that it's because he is broke. I am really torn over it but I do feel embarrassed that he is counting pennies at over 50 and that feeling doesn't make me feel good about myself.

He's a full grown man, he can surely sort out his own career.

My other that's one thing that bothers me, I don't want to give advice to a grown man or help him think about his career. I think he should do that himself.

Your ex sounds like one of those self indulgent artistic types that are useless. This guy does actually try and make money and it's just unfortunate he doesn't make much . He isn't just indulging himself because he is too special to work.

I'm not being funny either but have you looked around at what men are available in middle age? Personally if I was in your boat I wouldn't marry him because I would protect my own assets from any possible divorce as I would want everything for my dc.

If you do break up with him do not tell him it's because he is poor. Plus The real problem is you spent many years with someone who was no asset in anyway and those younger years are when you make a base financially. Your not having the lifestyle you want because of it.

Weigh up as well just how much of a catch you are yourself, be brutally honest about it to yourself.

So his only fault isn’t that he’s skint, it’s that he’s responsible, pays his rent, supports his children but doesn’t have any left over.

I think you’re a lucky lady (especially with the amazing sex bit)

Nicecuppa I don’t feel I could tell my BF either the honest reason if I did end the relationship as it would just feel so harsh as he is doing his best, but I don’t know what else I would say as we never argue and get on so well, and he has no idea of how I feel about this. For him it would come out of the blue and I don’t know what I could give as the reason.
I don’t think I am any kind of amazing catch..just an ordinary middle-aged woman, but I didn’t have any problems getting dates with some nice men when I was doing online dating...but my BF was the first and only one I had chemistry with...it was instant and I still feel it..I know there is no guarantees I would find that again alongside someone being a genuinely nice guy who I trust 100%.

Absolutely, don't give up on someone just cause everything they currently earn is accounted for, especially maintenance for children. If they are a hard worker, good with money even ten years of child maintenance will go past much faster than you ever imagine and you will both have a bit more money in the future,

However, on no account merge finances with someone whose attitude to money is very different to yours. I picked up in this comment when he does have a bit extra he’s very generous...lends money to friends etc.. This sounds like someone comfortable living hand to mouth for ever. While I like generosity, I do feel that its a luxury which should come only after the bills are paid and something put aside for the future. By all means enjoy his company, but don't consider merging finances. I think I would rather be alone than in a relationship with someone who just spends whatever they have.

Sorry, but I don't think you need to feel "grateful" or "lucky" for this man. You don't owe him anything, you're not married to him. As pp said, it's not a bad thing to have enough self-esteem to actually want to go out occasionally, and not settle for a retirement scrumping and saving, no holidays, no dates. If I were you I'd break up with him.

*scrimping

Personally, lack of financial stability isn't necessarily a deal breaker on its own. It's only a deal breaker if it's paired with a lack of motivation and ambition. From what you've said, he works hard to provide for himself and his kids and is still recovering from a rough time. I think it's admirable.

From my perspective, my Dad was always one who worked extremely hard to provide for us. He worked a physically demanding job with a fairly low salary ceiling because it's all he could do. We were never 'rich' but had everything we needed and a lot of opportunities. My Dad is pretty much my hero.

You might always earn more than your bid so you need to figure out if you're ok with that (I do understand how hard it is not to project issues from a previous relationship onto a new prospect). It's ok if you're not ok with it though. What's right for some isn't for others and resentment isn't healthy in any relationship.

Just a thought, do you have any really lovely but skint girlfriends that only meet up with you when you are paying?

Sorry but I don't think this bloke sounds like a catch, you said yourself you don't go anywhere due to his lack of money, why should his financial situation be stopping you having a normal life and doing normal couple things?

If anything YOU sound like a catch, op. You are working hard supporting your family and paying for him when you want to go out/do anything.

Sounds like HE should be grateful to have you, not the other way round!!

&I don’t feel I could tell my BF either the honest reason if I did end the relationship as it would just feel so harsh as he is doing his best* So basically you don't want to tell him the truth because you don't want to look like the bad guy. He deserves to know the truth I think. If he's a nice guy surely you owe him that much? It will probably be easier for him to get over you too as I don't know anyone who would want to be with someone who thinks I don't earn enough to be with them. Especially as our lives and finances are separate. At least he will know the end of the relationship was down to your issues, not his.

Agree with RedForFilth. If you tell him the truth he will at least understand the reasons and may find it easier to move on once he understands that your values are quite different.You're hardly Bill Gates yourself but you are thinking of binning a good relationship with a guy who is skint now through little fault of his own but may become a lot more solvent in time without even discussing the issue with him so he has a chance to outline whatever vision he has for his financial future. He may be comfortable being skint forever, maybe not, but I can't see how you would know at the moment. Agree, you shouldn't merge assets but even if you lived together you wouldn't have to.

I think, certainly in my situation, it's not about the money per se but more about being financially stable. As a single mother who has basically busted her gut singlehandedly to provide for her kids it's very disappointing to have a partner who is not on similar financial standing due to them maybe not making the best decisions.

I get it that OP''s partner's divorce was costly and living alone can be expensive but when not much work is coming in why doesn't he try other options.

Having a laugh, good sex and a kind hearted partner doesn't compensate for the stress of financial problems.

Having financial stability makes life easier. Having to pay for someone else or else not being able to do things because they are broke is draining. It takes the shine off great sex and good company. Sad but true.

I wouldn't tell a person that I was ending a relationship because of their financial status because that isn't the case. It is more complex than that and people in this situation shouldn't be castigated as being materialistic.

How would people respond if it was a guy saying this about a woman, be honest!! Life can throwcurveballs, well off guys can lose it all, poor guys can win the lottery, if he isn’t leeching off you then let it be and look after yourself

All this because of money, madness.

Thank you nicecuppa x I genuinely don’t feel I am materialistic or looking for the next Bill Gates, I enjoy simple pleasures in life on the whole, but I have spent 20 years fretting and worrying about money, have worked really hard in a very stressful job and I just worry about this being my life for next 20 years too if I stay with my BF. I have seen how financial struggles can erode love. I think, on reflection, I have wider issues around this...I feel a little bitter and regretful I think about my choices in past and why I have ended up in this position when many of my friends have such comfortable lives...I know comparison is the thief of joy though

Why did his marriage break down?

How many poor financial decisions did he make in the time since the break up that has left him with no pension/assets etc - and what were these decisions that totally wiped everything out?

Where is his pension?

From what he has told me he and his ex-wife grew apart, wanted different things. They agreed to separate and he walked away and left the house they owned for her and the kids. His main regrets:
That he didn’t take his fair share from their assets.
He has had a number of different jobs and/or been self-employed and never started a pension.
He didn’t save more when he was earning decent money.
After he left his wife, he became very down, holed himself away and didn’t work for a while...he built up some debts during this time as his was self employed so no work meant no income. He really regrets this as he never really recovered financially from that period and it obviously affected his business and he lost quite a few clients.
He had one four year relationship since he left his wife and lived with her in the house she owned. Following the end of that relationship he moved out and once again started from scratch..had to buy furniture etc.. for his rented house and again wiped out the small amount of savings he had.
He knows he has made some poor decisions and, as I said, bitterly regrets it now.
As a pp noted, I guess you could say we are in similar positions in that I also don’t have a lot of spare money now, but I have a mortgage which will be paid off in 10 years and a good pension and a small amount of savings and no major debts. I also have a job which is not physical and technically I could work until I’m 90 whereas he has very physical job and any kind of illness or injury would immediately mean he couldn’t work and no sick pay obviously as he is self employed and I’m pretty sure has no income protection of any kind. Also he is in his mid 50’s now so there will be a limit to how long he can continue to do a very physical job. This is why I worry that if we do end up in long term relationship I could end up having to support him and in fact if he had a bad accident tomorrow I would have to help him...I couldn’t see him on the streets. This all sounds very cold and I know you could say none of this would matter if I truly loved him, but I am just so, so tired of worrying about my own money all the time and now I find myself getting anxious about his finances too and stressing if he says he has no work next week.

OP are you actually me? Everything you say resonates with me. Weird, everything, age, experience everything. You are not materialistic or sexist and I agree with you entirely.

OP I don't think you are materialistic. It's all very well to say "oh but love" but that isn't real life in my experience. On the other hand it's tough to meet people. Really tough.

I would personally be ok with someone who didn't earn much but was really responsible with what they did have (case in point: my husband) or who had genuine bad luck. I wouldn't be ok with someone who is lazy and/or completely irresponsible and a black hole when it comes to money. Your situation is tough because it's somewhere in the middle. Your DP does work and has had some bad luck, on the other hand he has brought some of it on himself and is courting future bad luck by not making sensible preparations now (eg, income insurance).

Fwiw I would say the same to a man in your situation with his partner.

Also like pp I believe generosity is a luxury that has to be earned to some extent. It's lovely to help friends, but some people just give away money that they don't have just to show off. My ex used to get money off credit cards to show off what a "cool rich guy" he was to his friends, then never pay the money back and get more credit cards. That isn't "generosity" at all.