Aaaarrgghhh...Should I end things with lovely, but broke, boyfriend?

[jojojoeyjojo]

I am 48 with three DCs and have been with my BF for 18 months. It is the first relationship I have had since the end of my 20 year marriage five years ago. My BF is a lovely man..always cheerful, kind, caring, affectionate and he makes me laugh so much. He has lovely friends, is on good terms with his ex wife and he is a great dad to his kids. My DC all like him very much, especially my 9 year old DS. He is an amazing lover...sex is brilliant with him...I can’t imagine it being any better. There is just one fly in the ointment which is that he is completely broke. He walked away from his marriage with nothing, became very down and made some bad financial decisions, which he now bitterly regrets, with the upshot being he has no assets, pension or savings. He works hard and rents a small house and pays maintenance for his children but basically lives hand to mouth. He is self-employed and has no safety net if he does not have work and if he got injured I don’t know what he would do as he does a physical job.
My issue is that my ex-husband never had any money, didn’t work..was a struggling artist when I met him and I basically supported our family financially for the duration of the marriage. He took absolutely no responsibility for finances, refused to discuss money ever and I am so sick of worrying about money after years and years of it. My ex pays no maintenance as he doesn’t work and is now on disability benefits.
I don’t want or need to wined and dined, but if my boyfriend and I have any sort of future together then I feel I will be supporting yet another man for the next twenty years! I would love to be able for us to go away for weekend together or a meal.. but I would have to pay for everything all the time....don’t mind paying half at all but I have very little spare money for treats.
Uuurrggh....I don’t know how I could end it with him, we have never had an argument in 18 months and of course there is no guarantee I would meet anyone more solvent financially. Without wishing to sound arrogant, I know he would be heartbroken if I ended it and he has no idea how I feel. I don’t want to cause pain to anyone. I have tried to talk to a couple of friends, but they just think he’s lovely and I should stay with him.....but the lack of money thing just keeps going round and round in my head. Would be really interested to hear others perspectives...

You're not going to have children together. So presumably your finances are separate. Why does it matter so much that he doesn't have much money?

Boffinmum I have asked myself that question! I guess with both I didn’t realise until I had fallen in love with them x

Hi,
The first couple of paragraphs and I thought wow,this lady is really happy with this man and he sounds fantastic!
However I read on and could feel your concern.
The difference between him and your husband is that he is responsible in relation to paying his bills and most importantly,his child maintenance.He has a job,is he interested in doing a course so that he could earn more?
From what I've read,you sound so in love💜,my heart says stick with him and see if he genuinely wants to improve his financial status and bring more money to the table.the future could change and he may be promoted?
Of course you must protect you and your children financially ,that is a given.
Do you think if he moved in he would pay half the bills?
At the end of the day,write a list of the pro's and con's and see if you can live with the con's and without the pro's.......I think,in your heart,you know the answer already.🌻🌻 Good Luck

'I agree with Amatree it's early days but there does have to come a point where you take a leap of faith and decide to merge your lives, including financially.'

No, you don't. You can have a lovely, long-term relationship without ever having to do this and be perfectly happy. I think so many people just don't accept that it's possible to have such a relationship and you have to shack up, 'blend' families and all that kind of crap that's the problem.

Why not just enjoy how you are now? Why do you have to complicate things with what doesn't have to happen at all?

Do you see it as a fault of his that he is in this position, consciously or not? It may sound like a cliche, but having someone who makes you laugh is priceless. If you were struck down with a debilitating illness tomorrow, how do you think he would react?

Yes fair point Expat. That can work. Or it could cause a lot of (in my simplistic mind) unnecessary bitterness about who is paying for what, who is the higher earner, splitting the cost of everything, or paying and resenting it.

I agree it early days. It does seem a bit at odds with the rest of the post that OP says he never takes her out or treats her .Particularly if he lends friends money if he has it and is described as generous.
A few flowers or a meal at The Harvester wouldn't go amiss.

No I wouldn't end it. Anyone can get sick, have an accident, redundancy anytime. Millionaires lose everything and go bankrupt. I'd keep your finances separate where possible but wouldn't end a relationship for this reason.

He sounds lovely. He works. I have no assets. It doesnt make me a leech though. Good men are few and far between and he is on.

Ilostit he does buy me flowers and little treats...he went out to local shop the other evening after I mentioned in passing a craving for a Ferrero Rocher and came back with a huge box! I think my worries have been more about longer term if we ever did want to live together...but I think I need to appreciate him for the lovely man he is right now and not let the past affect things or catastrophise about future..I will try.

TBH if I were your bf and I read this, I’d dump you. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who was considering ending an excellent relationship purely because I wasn’t wealthy. Others will no doubt disagree but IMO this doesn’t make you sound great OP.

Short answer, no I don’t think you should dump him for being broke. Especially as he sounds like he makes ends meet and that’s how most of the country live 🙄.

Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick. The (large) Ferrero Rocher purchase means he's great.
Has he got any brothers?

If I read this about me I'd dump you, too.

I don’t mind that he’s not wealthy....if I’d wanted a wealthy man I guess I could have tried to go and find one! it’s more that he has no safety net and having worried so much about my own finances over the years...I find myself now worrying about his as well and I suppose I feel worried about endless fretting about money into retirement as well, supporting children and him if he can’t work or retires...but that is jumping ahead I know.

If I read this about me I'd dump you, too.

Charming !

OP - the relationship may well run it's course for other reasons. I think you will be ok as long as you just keep, 'jogging along' being boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm assuming that's all he's thinking about too.

He knows he's got a fuck ton of baggage plus kids to support.

You get on great and everything's cool presently.

Would he be so 'try hard' if he had some assets ?

He is earning and enough to cover rent , maintenance food , bills etc.
If you love him and it’s working would you live together in the future. Rent would then become money you could spend on luxuries. Maintenance is not forever also.
If he is the man you say he is then there is light at the end of tunnel.
He’s working not lazy. That’s worth a lot and a credit to him.
But if you have doubts don’t be with him for his sake.

His attitude is totally different to your ex, which is the important thing. And if you eventually move in together then all his rent/bills/food money will become spare cash for you all to enjoy as a family.

it’s more that he has no safety net
How's your safety net?

I find myself now worrying about his as well
Do you think he worries about your safety net and finances?

I suppose I feel worried about endless fretting about money into retirement as well, supporting children and him if he can’t work or retires...
Do you think he's worrying about money into retirement, supporting his children and yours if you can't work or retires?

It sounds like your first DH was very selfish unlike this guy - however your current man deserves to know that this is how you're thinking. Why don't you show him this post? If I was him, I would want to know that you feel being a hard working responsible dad wasn't good enough. Most of the country lives hand to mouth and there's really no such thing as security.

Independence and financial security is very important to me. I’d find this extremely stressful. I’d rather be on my own than have someone drag me into a precarious financial situation.

Some previous posters are making out that you’re lucky to have him, but hopefully you have enough self esteem to realise that you don’t have to put up with a situation that ultimately isn’t in line with your values. You don’t have to be in a relationship.

And yes, lots of people live hand to mouth - it doesn’t mean you have to, especially if you’ve spent years building a life for yourself and your children.

You just have to think about whether you can cope with never going anywhere or doing anything with your boyfriend. Is it enough for you just sitting in the house night after night for years on end.
Even though hes hardworking etc, you still need a life. He doesnt sound like hes providing you with any quality of life.

Doesnt sound like op is being dragged into anyrhing

And what exactly is the op putting up with?

Also if he has no idea his lack of money is a problem he is not exactly doing anything wrong is. Lets face it often both partners in a marriage get fucked by divorce.

But then I guess some women are more than happy to be married to a twat as long they can go to dubai every Christmas and be kept in designer bags and fake tan.

I would just say it's fine at the moment but be very careful regarding him moving into yours.

I was in a very similar situation once, and as soon as I let him move in, he stopped working and slobbed around on my settee for years, never paid his way. I ended up in debt . I finally got him out earlier this year, still paying off the debt.

As the saying goes, "When debt comes in the door, love flies out the window"

I've had three relationships like this and in the end I just totally lost respect for them and was sick of forking out for them.
If you want to keep seeing him then fine but for goodness sake make it quite clear that you are not paying for him and your children are number one cash priority.
You have more than enough on your plate without worrying about somebody else. I wish I'd made that absolutely clear right from the beginning, I'd have been much happier.

I'm not sure about the bit you put - when he's got a bit extra he lends money.. this worries me... in adulthood for someone that has little spare money, why is he doing this and why does he have a friendship group where the situation even arises? I think the amount of money wouldn't be a dealbreaker but his attitude towards money may be.