Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't think straight about my husband

164 replies

MIlesdavis · 13/11/2017 18:52

My husband did an beautiful eulogy at his mother's funeral last month. The reception immediately followed and I couldn't speak to him privately for several hours afterward. When everyone dispersed except his best friend and a few other family members, I went up to him to give him a hug and tell him how well he did. When I moved away from hugging him, I saw that he had his fingers in his throat, imitating that gesture of vomiting - as if what I said was worthy of throwing up - and looking at his best friend and laughing at me. I pretended I didn't see, said my goodbyes and took the children home (he was staying on that evening) but I had a huge lump in my throat the entire four-hour drive. When I was alone, I completely lost it. He has been unfaithful to me - had a mistress for three years - and I elected to stay when I found out (so tough) as he extricated himself from her and the children were 8, 5, 3. That was 7 years ago. He is extremely critical of me (well, he's critical of everyone really but I feel I really bear the brunt of it). I have dealt with a lot and have done my best. For some reason this gesture is something I can't shake...I stayed despite the affair and the many appalling injustices of it...and I just can't get over this. Is this irrational? I can't think straight any more.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 22/11/2017 12:38

Ah so the affair was all your fault! I wondered when that part of the script would get trotted out.

OP it is not a small arse or witty repartee that makes a woman sparkle to a man who loves her. Don't judge yourself by his shallow values

You are worth 100 of him.

Pacificly · 22/11/2017 12:40

No longer sparkly enough is his vile excuse for dipping it elsewhere. You being a mother didn't soothe or suit his ego. His ego needed a young childless woman to fawn over his golden bits. What an utterly self absorbed selfish man!

Acrosstheuniverse123 · 22/11/2017 12:40

He sounds immature, selfish and nasty. I am so sorry for you. Just walk away, you deserve so much more than this person.

MarshaBradyo · 22/11/2017 12:41

I really feel for you, he has ground you down so much

He doesn’t deserve you and you deserve much better

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/11/2017 12:45

I bet you’d be sparkly if you weren’t tied to this joyless arsehole.

DancesWithOtters · 22/11/2017 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toprate · 22/11/2017 13:36

Sparkling? Is he having a laugh?

I would genuinely rather be single than feel the pressure of having to be 'sparkling' in a relationship. Add work, children, running a household and elderly parents to everyday life and there's no chance.

EyeSaidTheFly · 22/11/2017 13:39

I think the problem is that you recognised that the gesture was reflective of the truth of your relationship. It may have been a one off incident but it expressed so much genuine contempt, which can't be unforgotten. His response when you discussed it with him can't undo that - and doesn't particularly seem to engage with that.

Your last post carries with it so much quiet dignity that I found it very moving. I do hope you leave him and find a better life; but whatever you choose I truly hope it goes well for you, OP.

ChickenMom · 22/11/2017 13:52

Just a mother? Not sparkling? Is he a sparkly God of everything then? He sounds like a vile tosspot to me! You have a right to be respected and for him to justify his shortcomings by blaming you is even more vile. What happens if you stay with this man as you get older? You aren’t getting younger. He’s going to be off again one day when some young “sparkly” bit shows an interest. Plus what if you got really sick? Would that be “sparkly” for him? He’s not faithful, loyal, sensible or trustworthy. He’s deluded, flawed and narcissistic. I think you should bite the painful bullet now and get rid. In a years time you’ll be in a better place and look back and be pleased you did

headinhands · 22/11/2017 13:59

It does read just like one of those moments posters put on here when they knew their marriage was over in their heart and mind.

I would be so hurt by that too. Although I would have ripped the fucker to shreds as soon as I had a suitable chance which does show that you have too long tiptoed on broken glass when interacting with him.

Gemini69 · 22/11/2017 14:36

Op I just wanted to send the biggest warmest wishes to you and every woman that feels she is worthless because she has had children and is not the women she was 20 years ago..... none of us are... because we moved along as time demands we do.... he has treated your so bloody appallingly and he's a scum bag for making you feel any less of a woman than you are... you are WORTHY and you are loved by your Children... Flowers

FlowerPot1234 · 22/11/2017 14:50

Flowers OP, the other posts have all expressed the disgust I have for your husband over what he did and what he has said since.

Things sometimes don't go well in a relationship, we all know that. But when there's abject cruelty and humiliation - even one incident of it - life changes. It can be like a switch.

I don't know what you are going to do now, and I feel deeply for your situation and the turmoil you find yourself in. It's a horrid situation. But I would urge you to park aside your feeling of how many years 'investment' you have made.

The past years of your life are not an investment, they are day of your life. They are gone. What you have now is today, tomorrow, and the rest of your life. Make those days wonderful.

yetmorecrap · 22/11/2017 15:19

Funnily enough OP, I think you may well be quite a bit more sparkly on your own , without the weight of trying to reconcile with this f*wit

Greedynan · 22/11/2017 16:08

He sounds like the typical self-important schmuck that takes for granted and overlooks his partner and their vital role as primary care giver and home-maker. What a huge disappointment he must be to you.

He does not deserve you.

Princesscharming · 22/11/2017 16:16

He’s been gaslighting you OP, look out for the three types of behaviour from a gaslighter: charm, anger, self pity.
You need to get out of that relationship, be strong for you and the children. Life passes us by so quickly, don’t spend it being his door mat!! Get out and be free, be you.
Stay strong and look out for the charm followed by the anger followed by the self pity, they are signs that he’s playing you. He will switch between all three depending on the situation.
You’re not on your own (unfortunately), there’s loads of arseholes out there with poor unsuspecting wife’s. At least you know he’s an arsehole now. Flowers

mickhucknallspinkpancakes · 22/11/2017 17:12

I felt the same as you op, when my STBXH ground me down to nothing.

When he walked the change in me was unbelievable- i lost 20 kilos And according to my friends and colleagues I looked 10 years younger. Even with the stress of single motherhood and a job.

And without the man baby I had more time to look after my unbelievable DS and myself.

notapizzaeater · 22/11/2017 17:25

He’s made you feel dead inside - you need to cull him out of your life and blossom again.

Okkitokkiunga · 22/11/2017 17:34

Presumably you didn't fall in love with a chauvinist and an adulterer. You can hold your head up and be proud of where you are in life. Him - not so much.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 22/11/2017 17:41

Sounds like the scales have fallen from your eyes. Utterly horrible of him to make such a gesture (a little one that speaks a thousand words about the contempt he treats you with, despite him being the one worthy of contempt). His trying to justify the affair even now paints him in an even poorer light. You've tried to keep going, he's sealed the fate of your relationship with his continued disrespect. You certainly don't owe him anything. Stay strong and do what's best for you and your children.

greenlanes · 22/11/2017 19:16

he didnt expect you to just be a mother.

I bet you didnt expect him to be a lying cheating wanker. Plenty of them around not doing anything useful.

Goodasgoldilox · 22/11/2017 19:57

He took away your sparkle. That is quite as bad as the vomit gesture.

You didn't make him into a cheat. He did that all by himself.

I suspect that you have plenty of sparkle left - if there was the right polish (and polisher) available.

SlartyFarkBarstard · 22/11/2017 20:02

So the sexist twat thinks women exist to look good for him and satisfy his needs and if they don’t (in his opinion) they should expect to be cheated on?
Eurgh 🤢 get rid.

buckeejit · 22/11/2017 20:10

Eugh. Maybe having remnants of a stupid youth impressing friends would excuse this, but at his mothers funeral & to his wife, and after you went out of your way to be supportive of him & show him love. No.

I'd separate & find some of your sparkle back. Also, if it's possible for him to become a better person, you'll both find out. Best of luck OP but you've already given him a 2nd chance & he's massively fucked it up

CityOfStars · 22/11/2017 20:20

Please please PLEASE don't stay with this awful human being.

He is -

A liar
A cheat
Disrespectful to the mother of his children
Selfish
Immature
Entitled
Ignorant

And lots of other things.

You say that you're worried of the effect on the children, but trust me when I say that your children will end up so much more unhappy if you stay with this man who is awful to their mother and they will have SO MUCH respect for you when they're older knowing that you made a hard but RIGHT choice. Be the person you'd want your children to be when they're older. Have the courage that you want them to have.

You would never want your daughter treated in this way, so show her how it's done!

peanut2017 · 22/11/2017 20:46

Op he sounds like an absolute dickhead and not worthy of any more of your time. Basically blaming you for his affair. Classic

Life is too short to put up any more of this poor treatment

You need to put yourself and your children first now