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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't think straight about my husband

164 replies

MIlesdavis · 13/11/2017 18:52

My husband did an beautiful eulogy at his mother's funeral last month. The reception immediately followed and I couldn't speak to him privately for several hours afterward. When everyone dispersed except his best friend and a few other family members, I went up to him to give him a hug and tell him how well he did. When I moved away from hugging him, I saw that he had his fingers in his throat, imitating that gesture of vomiting - as if what I said was worthy of throwing up - and looking at his best friend and laughing at me. I pretended I didn't see, said my goodbyes and took the children home (he was staying on that evening) but I had a huge lump in my throat the entire four-hour drive. When I was alone, I completely lost it. He has been unfaithful to me - had a mistress for three years - and I elected to stay when I found out (so tough) as he extricated himself from her and the children were 8, 5, 3. That was 7 years ago. He is extremely critical of me (well, he's critical of everyone really but I feel I really bear the brunt of it). I have dealt with a lot and have done my best. For some reason this gesture is something I can't shake...I stayed despite the affair and the many appalling injustices of it...and I just can't get over this. Is this irrational? I can't think straight any more.

OP posts:
PhuntSox · 13/11/2017 20:36

He doesn't deserve your time, explanation or consideration. Go and see a solicitor, make your plans, chose your time to suit you, present him with a done deal. I wouldn't even have a conversation with him about it.

bastardkitty · 13/11/2017 20:41

I wouldn't tell him. There's nothing he can say to make it any less disrespectful. I would crack on with planning divorce and prepping documents and give him a lovely surprise, just like he gave you. Believe me, you never look back when you dismiss a disloyal cunt from your life.

Mix56 · 13/11/2017 20:42

There is one loveless gesture. I hate he openly mocked you, at a serious gathering so openly, it's pitiless, infantile & totally unwarranted.

It is a moment of clarity, you saw,
He can make all sorts of pathetic excuses, stress/other bull, Just move ahead with serenity.Get shot.

ohfourfoxache · 13/11/2017 20:42

Oh you poor love Sad

Tbh I think you should get your ducks in a row first before you tell him. Keep the upper hand here, you have all the power.

Greedynan · 13/11/2017 20:45

Sounds like you had an epiphany.

I'm imagining the context in which he did what he did. I'm guessing he was trying to act all macho in front of his friend after you praised him for something very emotional. That is pretty wanky behaviour.

The 3 year affair is unbelievably wanky behaviour.

I feel really bad for you. I can completely understand how a person might decide to stay with somebody for the sake of their children. But the constant criticism as well... he's taken you for granted for a long time now.

Aside from the security of 'family life', what does this man do for you?

There was another thread in recent days, I can't exactly remember the title of it but it was something along the lines of 'what does your DH do to make you happy?' Have a read, it's a bit of an eye-opener. Sending you huge hugs to you. Xx

DenPerry · 13/11/2017 20:57

He sounds about 12, what an awful man. Please leave, you get one life and you deserve to be happy.

Sensimilla · 13/11/2017 21:23

Don't STAY for the children, LEAVE for the children

Fishface77 · 13/11/2017 21:27

The fact that he did this is bad enough. The fact that he did this on his mums funeral seems somehow even worse. On a day where he should be grateful for the love and support of people around him...
Disgusting piece of shit.

GerrytheBerry · 13/11/2017 21:31

He sounds like a childish awful brat! How nasty of him to do that.
Definitely make plans to leave, you deserve better. Life is short!
Good luck

scrabbler3 · 13/11/2017 21:36

I think that you should prepare to leave. Investigate the finances and see a solicitor asap.

He does not like you. He does not respect you.

Ohyesiam · 13/11/2017 21:43

Let your children see you choose happiness and self respect.
It's the kindest thing you can do for them.

Sashkin · 13/11/2017 21:44

At uni, I had an on and off relationship with a guy who, in retrospect, was using me for sex (but I couldn’t see it at the time, I just thought he was just flaky, as many teenage boys are).

He did something like this, and it was like somebody had poured a bucket of cold water over me. I suddenly realised what a complete little shit he was, and any desire to have sex with him ever again completely evaporated. I have never gone off anybody so fast before or since.

It did me a massive favour - I met DH about two months later and the rest is history.

NellMangel · 13/11/2017 21:48

Yuck. Yet another virtual voice shouting "Get rid".

No one should treat you like this and you children shouldn't see anyone treating their mum like this.

What a little worthless fucker trying to impress his mate at your expense, when you're trying to support him at a difficult time. Yuck.

toopeoply · 13/11/2017 21:49

I hope you find the strength op. That sort of treatment is emotional abuse. Thinking of you x

butterfly56 · 13/11/2017 22:02

He has absolutely zero respect for you as a person or a wife.
I hope you find the physical and emotional strength to leave this horrible man.
You deserve a better life without the emotionally abusive arsehole.
Flowers

PNGirl · 13/11/2017 22:09

Ugh. Get rid. If he wants a mug to wash gis pants while he mocks her behind her back, let it be someone else.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/11/2017 22:11

If you’ve kept it to yourself for this long, could you line everything up to divorce then hit him with it? Revenge being a dish best served cold and all that.

MyOtherProfile · 13/11/2017 22:18

Thank goodness you saw the gesture or you could still be floating along ignorant of how he really feels about you. Things can only get better from now on.

TheHuffAndPuffALot · 13/11/2017 22:24

He did what?!!

Get your affairs in order then leave him. You deserve much better x

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 13/11/2017 22:35

Good luck OP.

overduemamma · 13/11/2017 22:50

Good luck op, he sounds awful and you deserve so much better x

Dappledsunlight · 13/11/2017 23:04

Unbelievably callous of your "d" h, Op. My God, I can totally understand how it must have left you reeling. What a nasty, cynical gesture at a time when you were offering him kindness and after all you've put up with. Oh , leave him and find someone who will love you.

Maddiemademe · 14/11/2017 07:31

Hope you are feeling as well as you can be this morning OP. Praying you find the strength to leave and give yourself and you children the chance of true happiness.

I left an abusive long term relationship and I totally agree bring a single mum is much easier and happier than being with someone so vile in all sense of the word. You are much stronger than you think. Flowers

Sketchily · 14/11/2017 08:14

Hope you’re okay OP. Flowers

MIlesdavis · 14/11/2017 10:42

Just to say I'm overwhelmed by all the kindness everyone has showed me here. Thank you so much to everyone for your time and good advice. He's away, travelling with work, so it's good to take a deep breath without him here and think things though. Although it's devastating to have invested so much into something (someone) so little, I think one day I will look back on this and see that gesture was the best thing that happened to me.THANK YOU EVERYONE. XXX

OP posts: