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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't think straight about my husband

164 replies

MIlesdavis · 13/11/2017 18:52

My husband did an beautiful eulogy at his mother's funeral last month. The reception immediately followed and I couldn't speak to him privately for several hours afterward. When everyone dispersed except his best friend and a few other family members, I went up to him to give him a hug and tell him how well he did. When I moved away from hugging him, I saw that he had his fingers in his throat, imitating that gesture of vomiting - as if what I said was worthy of throwing up - and looking at his best friend and laughing at me. I pretended I didn't see, said my goodbyes and took the children home (he was staying on that evening) but I had a huge lump in my throat the entire four-hour drive. When I was alone, I completely lost it. He has been unfaithful to me - had a mistress for three years - and I elected to stay when I found out (so tough) as he extricated himself from her and the children were 8, 5, 3. That was 7 years ago. He is extremely critical of me (well, he's critical of everyone really but I feel I really bear the brunt of it). I have dealt with a lot and have done my best. For some reason this gesture is something I can't shake...I stayed despite the affair and the many appalling injustices of it...and I just can't get over this. Is this irrational? I can't think straight any more.

OP posts:
FlowerPot1234 · 13/11/2017 19:48

And OP, this is just the gesture you caught him doing... what else is he doing/has he done?

Also, he did this gesture to his best friend, laughing? That suggests the best friend is in on whatever he truly feels about you.

What a horrible man. Get away from him.

StefMay · 13/11/2017 19:48

Awful of him. No excuse.

Please leave as your children should not see his behaviour as the way to treat women or the people you are supposed to love.

You and your dear children deserve better x

SandyY2K · 13/11/2017 19:48

I wouldn't bother telling him what I saw...until I had my ducks in a row and was filing for a divorce.

He can't stand you and is probably having another affair (assuming the last one ended) that his friend knows about .....
hence laughing at you came so easy to him.

He has no respect and you deserve do much better than this.

Make this the beginning of a new you.

2017SoFarSoGood · 13/11/2017 19:50

Miles this sounds like one of these defining moments that are so very sickening, but also so critical to shape the rest of your life. That he did that horrible gesture speaks volumes of how he sees you. He does not deserve you. Please move on and make a new life for yourself and your DC. You are worthy of so much more.

Flowers
greenlanes · 13/11/2017 19:50

What a fucking twat. You are worth so much more than trying to tiptoe around contempt. As another PP said it really is the hardest thing to get over if ever. You clearly love your kids - you have given them a few more years of "stability" but they are older now. They will see their dad's contempt of you. That's not good.

honeyroar · 13/11/2017 19:50

You sound like you've sat back and taken it for a long time and it's almost become normal. I can't believe you've sat on this for a month (I'm the explode immediately type!).

Time to siege the day and put yourself and the children first. Start thinking of how you move on without this ungrateful, cold man.

GracielaSabrocita · 13/11/2017 19:53

What the hell did he mean by that? He needs to explain himself to you.

There is nothing to discuss. He has done the OP a favour by showing her how much contempt he has for her - let's hope she can follow our advice and get rid of him from her life.

Good luck OP! The rest of your life is waiting for you. It can't be any worse than being with this arsehole.

NonnoMum · 13/11/2017 19:54

Is he David Brent? Or his mate? What's hisname?

NameWithChange · 13/11/2017 19:55

You really need to stand up for yourself, now more than any other time he should be considering your feelings. He isn't.

I feel so sad for you in that situation, what kind of partner would gesture like that about his recently bereaved wife.

Please find some strength, your children will learn a lot from the example you set.

What a nasty, nasty excuse for a man.

NameWithChange · 13/11/2017 19:57

Would you stand by and support him if you watched him behave like that towards a dear friend in the same circumstances?

MIlesdavis · 13/11/2017 20:00

Thank you, lovely people. And bless you for being here and being so supportive to me. Will let you know how I get on. (flowers)

OP posts:
Sensimilla · 13/11/2017 20:00

I don't even understand the gesture, in that context. It doesn't make any sense. What was he trying to indicate was vomit inducing? You??? What did his friend do/say by means of a reply?

MyGastIsFlabbered · 13/11/2017 20:03

No, you’re amazing OP...you can do this.

loonyloo · 13/11/2017 20:04

OP that's awful for you. He sounds like a shit.

Please don't stay with him for the sake of your kids. As the daughter of someone who did just that, I can say it probably hurt more in the long run. We weren't a happy household, and realising in your late teens that whatever happiness was in your family life was basically a lie is horrible. Also, remember that your kids will leave one day, and you'd be left alone with that arsehole if you stay with him.

Xoticdreamz · 13/11/2017 20:07

Oh I can't believe you managed to keep that in all month . He does not deserve you and I really hope he gets the big huge wake up call he has coming.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/11/2017 20:08

That is truly horrible, OP. Humiliating and in public too. He had a mistress for a long period of time and instead of grabbing this chance to make it up to you and the rest of the familiy, he behaves like this.

I agree with a pp, it sounds a lot like utter contempt to me and you deserve so much better. I hope you'll get it when you're ready.

Traffig · 13/11/2017 20:12

That is such an unkind gesture. I can understand how it has hurt you so.
You have put up with so much, please don't let him humiliate you any further.
You are an amazing Mum and clearly love your children so much.

They also need to be aware that their mother has a right to be respected and valued for the wonderful person they know you to be.
Work out your options, other courageous women have done this even though it is a scary road.
You can see them blossom on here once they have broken free.
I hope that you feel able to do the same.
There is more to life than this, a hug from me. Flowers

FredericaFreiheit · 13/11/2017 20:16

Totally unanimous LTB!

What sort of man makes a gesture like that about his wife - to his best friend - at his mother's funeral?? There's a reason you can't get past this, OP. He is vile.

OP - you obviously love your children and I understand your worry for them. But if you stay with this man, they will learn that relationships are about contempt. Do you want that for them? Would you like your sons to treat their partners this way or your daughters to be treated like this? The longer you stay and accept this, the more likely it is to happen.

Good luck, my lovely. Once you take the step, I bet you find yourself 'reappearing'. I wouldn't be surprised if lots of friends / family come out the woodwork and express relief too.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 13/11/2017 20:19

What an utter wanker, you poor woman....I would have the head off a stranger if they did that to me ( metaphorically of course!!) let alone my husband....you are waaaaaay too good for this entitled , superior , appallingly ill mannered arsehole....sorry if I seem OTT , I lost my mum in the summer and wrote her eulogy, which was so personal , i cannot comprehend anyone acting the way he did....good luck with your future....you will need balls of steel but what's on the other side of your " marriage" is a life free from the negativity you seem to experience most days....xx

SteelyPip · 13/11/2017 20:19

I normally keep out of Relationships threads, but I can't shake this and felt I had to post. The best piece of advice I ever got was "Be kind to yourself" (when I was in an abusive relationship.) and as daft as it may sound, I don't think I'd ever considered that to be an option before.

Please "be kind to yourself" now. This man is beneath you.

kaitlinktm · 13/11/2017 20:22

The one thing worse than finding a worm in your apple, is not finding it.

Or finding half a worm.

You have just found your half worm OP.

See if you can get some legal advice, make your plans and then tell him - as calmly as you can - that you want a divorce, and tell him why. Don't be surprised if he has someone else though - people like this just seem to get better at hiding things.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/11/2017 20:22

Echoing everyone else. LT cheating lying cruel disrespectful B.

inmyshoos · 13/11/2017 20:27

What a pig.

You deserve better. Much better.

Get a good lawyer and leave him. You'll be much happier without him and you'll set a good example to your children. Staying in a relationship where you are not respected is not a good example to your children. Would you want to see any of them in a relationship like this?

Haffiana · 13/11/2017 20:28

I think you are extremely lucky that you saw him do this. At last you will be able to start to see things clearly.

He has been telling you for years exactly what he thinks of you. Unfortunately you have taken it as some sort of challenge to be a better person. Can you see how you have filtered what he has said to you into something completely different? Now at last you can simply hear what he is saying.

Personally I would get deeply vengeful. Get a really good divorce lawyer.

AgathaF · 13/11/2017 20:34

Make your plans and leave. He's treating you dreadfully. Please don't stay for the children. They're not stupid. They'll see in time how he treats you and see that as normal in a relationship. Go for your own sake, don't stay for theirs.

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